1. Lisa Fitzgerald saves her tomato aspic from dinner at her grandmother’s house and throws it at a Civil War memorial fountain.

2. Claude Jennings whispers to his friend during his wife’s toast at her sister’s retirement party.

3. Alexis Monroe hides the special toilet seat cushion required by her day care provider’s son, following his hernia operation.

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How I Remember Pi

March 11, 2010

3 toed sloth is my biggest animal crush.

[point]

1 person who I told this to (Sherry!)

4 people Sherry told (Todd, Linda, Agnes, Troy)

1 gym teacher who found out (Mr. Stallworth)

5 babies I wanted to have with Mr. Stallworth, but he’s already married with a baby of his own

9 drawings of 3 toed sloths I made for Mr. Stallworth but did not send

2 times I watched Mr. and Mrs. Stallworth sleeping from outside their bedroom window

6 pairs of red athletic shorts that Mr. Stallworth has that I want for my altar

5 classes I got Bs in my freshman year before Mr. Stallworth told everyone about my sloth crush

3 kids who teased me about my sloth crush

5 years I will wait until I burn down each sloth crush teaser’s house with techniques I learned from Backdraft

8 is the number infinity standing up and I will stand up to bullies forever

9 th grade is the worst grade ever

7 th grade sucked too, but for different reasons

9 girls went to a party, and I wasn’t invited

3 times my dad and I watched Predator 2 with Danny Glover the night of the other party

2 times my dad had to fast forward Predator 2 because of sex scenes

3 boxes of peanut brittle we ate with chocolate milk

8 wishes I made when Danny Glover fought the Predator at the end

4 times we talked about Mom during the first viewing of Predator 2

6 men Mom had been with since I was born besides my dad (said my dad in a sort of kidding voice)

2 Vietnamese brothers I have (said my dad but totally joking because he dodged the draft)

6 handball tournaments I would have won if I had 2 Vietnamese brothers

4 skin that my brothers would have had before the brisk we would have given them

3 brothers I really have who don’t have foreskin because we’re Catholic

[interchangeable]

3 brothers who don’t mind my sloth crush

8 three-toed sloths that I want to start my special sloth ranch in Alabama

3 acres for each sloth

2 people to run the special sloth ranch: me and Mr. Stallworth

7 kinds of food we would feed them: licorice, hay, baby mice, Grape Nuts, bamboo, chicharones, and black mission figs

9 times me and Mr. Stallworth would do it in the sloth tree while they were off eating baby mice in the special sloth cafeteria

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Except I just throw rocks through windows in Seoul.

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Northern Lights

March 9, 2010

I am 7-years old and my neighbor takes care of me while my mother works nights.

Mostly he watches TV, but never too loud because that would keep me awake.

We don’t talk much.

I hardly see him at all because my mother puts me to bed, and then he comes over.

One night though I hear him on the phone. I can’t  make out the words until he yells, “There’s no such thing as the northern lights.”

He hangs up and turns to see me behind him.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” he asks.

“I had a bad dream.”

“Do you want some milk?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to call your mom?”

“No.”

“Well, come watch TV until you get tired.”

I find a place on the couch among the unfolded blankets.

“Do you like Johnny Carson?” he asks. “You’ll like Johnny Carson. He’s funny.”

We watch, and when he laughs I laugh too, not knowing what anything means.

Soon I am tired, and he tells me I should go back to bed.

He walks me to my room and stands at the door as I get under the covers.

When he sees that I’m settled, he goes back to his chair.

Finally, as I’m drifting off to sleep, I remember that I’ve seen the northern lights–once the summer before when my mom had the night off and we stayed up past my bedtime. I want to tell my neighbor, but I am tired and I don’t know what he’ll say if I tell him he is wrong.

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Breathe out of your mouth.

When in doubt, lean into it.

Pace yourself.

No harnesses.

Make eye-contact before you pivot.

Keep it clean…unless he wants it messy. If he wants it messy, then make it as messy as you can stand. Then, when it can’t seem to get any messier, keep going.

His safety word is Raskolnikov.

Fast beforehand.

Pinch anything but the jowls.

Hum when your mouth is on things.

Make sure to distribute your attention evenly, never giving yourself fully to one person…unless it’s him.

No Cockney accents.

Whatever you’re doing, make sure he can see it.

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SUCK: Americans Talk About Vacuuming

March 7, 2010

Paul Rosenthal (Bend, OR)

Vacuuming used to relax me after therapy, until my psychiatrist moved to L.A., because he “had an opportunity to be closer to his kids.” Well, you shouldn’t get divorced in the first place, but you can’t give advice to a psychiatrist. No. They don’t make poor decisions. My new doc is a [...]

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Uninspiring 4 Word Memoirs

March 6, 2010

I tried snails once.
My catheter fell out.
Should’ve bought better socks.
What does gestalt mean?
Too many Belgian waffles.
I came; I saw.
Never won at checkers.
Mom said not hers.
Cleaned up after camels.
People liked my brother.
Couldn’t remember state capitals.
Pool parties, not invited.
Spent time with goats.
Still have my virginity.
Elks Club Vice President.
Could’ve sent it back.
Rapids City tax collector.
Can’t hear Jesus talking.

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Water Slide Worker Talking to Joyce Carol Oates at Raging Waters San Dimas

March 5, 2010

Excuse me, Ms. Oates? Me and the rest of the guys here are really big fans. Everyone’s read We Were the–
[Okay go.]
–We Were the Mulvaneys…no, thank you. That book changed my–
[Go.]

–changed my life. I’m sure you get that all the time. And let me just say–
[Okay go.]
I was heartbroken when Toni Morrison won the Nobel [...]

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Stuck in an Elevator with My Grandpa’s Lover

March 4, 2010

I just want you to know that I’m not trying to replace your grandmother.
My grandmother voted for Eisenhower. You’re a dude. I’m not worried.
You know what I mean.
Were we in algebra together?
Papi said you’d have a hard time with this…with us.
Were you his caregiver at Shady Pines?
He says you mock things when you’re afraid. He [...]

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What I Was Doing When McKinley Was Assassinated

March 3, 2010

Shining some cocksucker’s boots…like always.

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An Oven Repairman’s Response to a Sylvia Plath Joke

March 2, 2010

Come on, buddy, she had two kids.
I could give a damn about that Hughes guy, but have some respect for those children.
You’re better than that.

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Road Trip with My Love Child: Pit Stop at a Texas Dairy Queen

March 1, 2010

This morning in the shower I had the thought that if we stop at some Dairy Queen for lunch, and I order the Chicken Strip Basket with fries and Texas toast, that she might make the joke about the redundancy of calling it Texas toast in Abeline.
It’s a joke I’ve thought of and dismissed a [...]

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Why I Tuba This Hard

February 28, 2010

The kids from my high school who didn’t get tuba scholarships used to go up to the mountains and tuba-fight each other until someone threw in the towel. It was a free-for-all not unlike a demolition derby except that people got cut and mostly no one cheered.
I had a full ride to McNeese State, and [...]

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Come Tie My Ascot, Please

February 27, 2010

I’m sorry.
I should have asked you nicely.
You’re right. That sounded more like a command than a request.
You’re right. I’m the one who needs your help, and I shouldn’t have used that tone.
Yes, it’s the same tone I use when I’m being impatient, and it won’t make me any new friends.
You’re completely justified to ignore me.
Yes, [...]

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Iron Lung Indian Giver

February 26, 2010

Call me old-fashioned, but you don’t just put someone with polio in your iron lung,
then ask for it back.

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