Dwayne was told by management not to ride his horse to work anymore. It was making the guys who stirred the vats really uncomfortable.

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Dear Ms. Jordan,

It’s come to my attention that you have recently finished your solar system unit. When I asked my daughter to tell me about the various planets she (very predictably) mentioned that Jupiter is the largest, Mercury the “fastest” (by which she meant “has the shortest orbit around the sun”), and Saturn, of course, has rings. When I asked her about Neptune, all she was able to tell me was that Neptune is the “blue planet” and it’s named for the God of the Sea. When I pressed her further about Neptune’s rings, she told me that Neptune doesn’t have rings. Saturn has rings.

And so, because of you, another generation of children pass through fifth grade without knowing that Neptune does, in fact, have rings. No, they are not as famous as Saturn’s rings. But they are there. And for someone with your power to completely neglect this is completely unacceptable. There is nothing you can do for this year’s class, except have a special lesson completely devoted to Neptune’s rings. Perhaps a party. And in the future, perhaps you’ll remember to learn more about all the planets, not just the ones with an already iconic status.

Also, Jupiter and Uranus have planetary rings as well.

Yours,

Melanie Wayne Meyers

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My Oliver Wendel Holmes Doll

February 5, 2010

When I was a kid, I used to take all the clothes off my Oliver Wendell Holmes doll and draw nipples on his plastic chest. They were little specks, not the giant ones like some guys have. Holmes wasn’t a big nipple guy. And he didn’t like my other dolls. Not because they were mean to him. He just liked playing by himself in my mom’s garden. Near the carrot tops. And he could fly.

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Always bragging about her lower case g.

Takes more than one brownie before everyone has had a chance.

Excessively loud sneezer.

Blames Castro for everything.

Talks while calligraphing.

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Takes a cold-blooded man to tell a 15-year old girl that a dowser is born, not taught.

Specially when that girl has been dreaming about water witchin’ her whole life. When other girls are chasing boys and getting pregnant, my daughter’s out in the woods looking for sticks and branches. And maybe she ain’t found water yet. Maybe she’s been at it going on 4 years now and hasn’t turned up a drop.

At least she believes. And you can’t teach that. Am I right?

Seems to me, someone of your stature might offer a few words of encouragement. Maybe a tip or two.

God knows this world could use more of y’all. What with drought sweeping across the prairies.

I’d like you to think back to when you were first starting out, sir. Alone on a dust farm somewhere, following the twitch of your stick. Would it have made a difference to you, then, if someone had offered a few kind words of support?

No?

Your heart is a desert, sir.

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Portrait Gallery

February 2, 2010

Every year they were together, my father had a portrait painted of my mother. Each of these portraits was done in a different style, using different artists. Some of the artists had her wear costumes, some had her close her eyes or turn her head away. She agreed to this each year because my father [...]

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Slogans My Grandpa Came Up With For His Retirement Community T-Shirts

February 1, 2010

“Damn, Son. Save It for the Bed Pan.”
“That’s So Nursing Home!”

“What’s Up Your Sleeve? [front] Besides Kleenex. [back]“
“I Don’t Square Dance.”
“Remember Coolidge?”
“Get Your Peaches Outta My Jello!”
“Still Waiting On a Thank-You Note.”
“My Walker Ain’t Got Tennis Balls.”
“Leaving Everything to My Mistress.”

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Confronting the Mind in Zen Meditation

January 31, 2010

Mostly when I sit down to meditate and turn the eye inward, I see horse penises. It’s as if my mind has gathered the most robust stallions on the planet and chronicled their huge members, displaying them like blown-up photos on some high end gallery wall.
At this point in the zazen, I try to accept the [...]

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A Brief Lecture for Kids Holding Their Breath While Their Parents Drive Through a Tunnel

January 30, 2010

It doesn’t matter if you can hold your breath the length of the tunnel or not. This is not a time for wish-making. Your grandmother will die someday regardless of your efforts, however courageous.

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Tina’s Recipe for Delicious Hot Wings

January 29, 2010

SERVES  12
4 tablespoons butter
6 dozen chicken wings
2 bottles hot sauce
2 gallons frying oil
First, you need to melt that butter in a large saucepan. If you don’t have a saucepan, borrow one from your sister-in-law who never gives you enough credit as a cook. Tell her you’re making souffles. She’ll squint at you, which means, no [...]

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Treehouse Erotica

January 28, 2010

She teases me on the ladder, climbing quickly, then stopping altogether, ignoring me for a second, pretending to watch a robin in the branches. We are five minutes on the ladder, and she puts her boot up to my face pressing the toe against my cheek. I bite the rubber and she pushes me back. [...]

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A Prison Myth Explained

January 27, 2010

There’s a story going around about what you should do on your first day in prison, namely, attack the biggest, baddest guy in the joint. The idea behind this is that if you’re crazy enough and tough enough to take on the biggest guy, then the other inmates will leave you alone. What people don’t [...]

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Trends in Titles (1989-1991): “Bonobos”

January 26, 2010

Wild As Bonobos by Rachel Carlisle (1991)
Three Bonobos in a Shed – Stories by Peter Duffy (1992)
Bonobo Hair by Bonnie Lynn Kramer (1991)
I’m Not a Bonobo, But I F#@$ Like One:Ten Tips to Rejuvenating Your Sex Life by Todd Alstott (1990)
Bonobo Ricochet by Tom Collinsworth (1991)
Where the Bonobos Play by Susan Sellstrom (1989)
What’s a Bonobo? [...]

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Submarine

January 25, 2010

The little girl in purple galoshes started the conversation. I don’t talk to folks at the bus stop. I don’t talk to folks on the bus. Most times it just leads chatter and nonsense and I’d rather take a nap. We weren’t making eye contact. She just started talking. I’m used to this from the [...]

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How Not to Comfort Your Japanese Exchange Student After He Loses the Geography Bee on the Last Question

January 24, 2010

Riku, don’t be too hard on yourself. Most Americans couldn’t find Turkey on a map, much less distinguish between the Bosporus and the Dardanelles. How bout we go home and I fix you some of those soba noodles you like? I’m sure you’ve brought great honor to your family today. Second place is a great [...]

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