Animal Photography

I’ve spent some time lately apprenticing with a photographer who takes pictures of animals wearing sunglasses. At first, I applied because I thought the job would be hilarious. I imagined meeting my friends for drinks and telling them how ridiculous my boss could be, how surreal it was to work for someone who made animals wear human accessories. And then a strange thing happened on my first day; I fell in love.

Not with the photographer. He’s married and a total Jehovah’s Witness, so no fooling around (or birthdays for that matter, which is an absolute deal-breaker). I was to put a pair of blue Ray Bans on a raccoon and position him in a slouch. He was propped up against a bar and made to look like he was drunk. (It wasn’t dangerous; the animal trainer had given Patches a sedative.) The caption for the postcard had already been written, “I only eat garbage when I’m hammered!” and we were to provide the shot.

And not with the raccoon. (This isn’t one of those stories.)

No, I fell in love with positioning sedated creatures–not humans, just animals–and imagining my own captions, captions no two-bit postcard author could create, no matter how drunk or inspired.

Since that day with Patches the raccoon, I have positioned three little pigs in sunglasses, a weasel with sunglasses, and a koala bear with a silly hat and no glasses. And each time I arranged the sedated animal (the pigs were actually drunk) I felt the power of the Almighty rush through me, as if I were commanding their little inebriated bodies, moving them at my will. If I wanted the weasel to cross his hands over his groin in a “Don’t look at my nuts!” position, then I could. If I wanted the koala bear to cross his arms like a gangster, then I just did it. My caption: “Pandas can suck my %&@#.”

I don’t know where this will take me, this obsession with modeling doped-up animals into comical positions. I may go crazy, or I may just become the most important animal artist of this century, working with lions and giraffes and whatever I want.

I do know this: next week I’ve got a date with a toucan and some Sudafed. And if you think I’m putting sunglasses on that fat bill, then you’re wrong. I’m going with gold chains around the neck.