Reasons to Name Your Son “Doug”

It’s a family name
It was the name of your best friend in college before he died
You’re a Chinese immigrant and you want him to fit in
You always wanted a dog and subconsciously…
You don’t like him already
He has your father-in-law’s chin, which means that he’ll be a bully, which means that you might as well just give him a bully’s name, which means that you’re actually contributing to the bullying of other kids with names like Seth and Chris
He’s already taking legendary, monster dumps
He seems dim and clumsy
Because he’s not your son, he’s the bastard son of your wife and her dentist, Dr. Renolds–Dr. Doug Renolds. (But you’re not angry.)
It’s in the Bible…somewhere