First of all, Alison, I really appreciate the opportunity to memorialize your brother. I know there were others to consider, but you chose me and I’m grateful. It’s a privilege, really, a once-and-a-lifetime chance for a guy like me. And to think that you, Alison Baker, Homecoming Queen, would pick me, Seth Armiston, well again, I’m honored. It’s a strange day when your friend’s sister, as beautiful today as she was in high school, asks you personally to speak about her brother, your friend, and offer kind words to his memory. I’m just the luckiest man in the world.
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I’d like to begin by apologizing to Uncle Troy. I always thought that his hair lip was the result of his being gay, but now I know that one thing has nothing to do with the other. And I’d also like to apologize to everyone with hair-lips for thinking you were gay or saying you were behind your back—especially to Paul’s son Matthias and to the actor Joaquin Phoenix. I’m sorry. It was an honest mistake.
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For those of you who don’t know, Donna’s brother was a butcher. And when I was a kid running errands with her, we’d stop and get a week’s worth of meat. As a treat, I suppose, her brother would give me an uncooked hot dog from the display case—a red hot dog, remember those? I’d take a small bite, then put it in my pocket like I was going to eat it later. I didn’t of course. Today, though, I brought my own hot dog. They’re not red anymore, Donna, but it’s raw. I’m gonna eat it, swallow every last bite for you. Bear with me everyone…
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Fantastic idea. I hope you revisit it with more excerpts.