From the monthly archives:

October 2009

Caricature

October 18, 2009

My dad and I went to Walgreen’s for some chocolate syrup and nail polish remover. He liked to paint his toes to cover up the fungus. I told him all he needed was Vick’s vapor rub–that’s what Randle told me, Randle my cello tutor who once took off his socks to show me. Dad said [...]

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Lady Footlocker Customer Evaluation

October 17, 2009

Did you find what you were looking for? Yes/No Was the salesperson attentive to your needs and concerns? Yes/No Would you shop again at Lady Footlocker? Yes/No Would you like to receive online coupons and announcements from Lady Footlocker? Yes/No Comments: Tara was very helpful in fitting me for a pair of Nike cross-trainers. Of [...]

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Sex Ed Newsletter

October 16, 2009

Dear Parents, November is National Dental Dam Month (NDDM). This is a great time to talk with your kids about the value–and versatility–of dental dams. I recommend scheduling a time when you can sit down with your child, make some ice cream sundaes, and show them your dental dams. Take this time to answer questions [...]

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Overheard at The Joshua Tree Cover Shoot

October 15, 2009

“Get your own Sunny D…that’s mine.” — The Edge

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Overwrought Endings: Naked Villainy

October 15, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY MAX LIEBERMAN (Tucson, AZ) The gun flashed into her hand like a knife—only this knife shot bullets, significantly increasing its effective range as a weapon. She was too far away for me to karate chop her wrist, and anyway that’s a trick that only works once. I knew my chances were slim… slim [...]

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Murky Fringe: A Note About Submissions

October 15, 2009

The Murky Fringe has recently received a storm of submissions. Thankfully, they have been strange, even troubling. (But troubling in a good way, like when your mom’s gone to Spokane and your dad says it’s okay to stick your finger in the peanut butter…Up to the knuckle.) From time to time The Murky Fringe will [...]

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Be Not Proud: Excerpts From Awkward Eulogies

October 14, 2009

First of all, Alison, I really appreciate the opportunity to memorialize your brother. I know there were others to consider, but you chose me and I’m grateful. It’s a privilege, really, a once-and-a-lifetime chance for a guy like me. And to think that you, Alison Baker, Homecoming Queen, would pick me, Seth Armiston, well again, [...]

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Me and Hugo Chavez: Nighttime at Machu Picchu

October 13, 2009

Me and Hugo Chavez used to go to Machu Picchu when all the tourists were gone. He’d take off his red shirt and flex his pecs back and forth, back and forth–okay Hugo, I get it, you’re ripped, Jeez. He’s got nipples like Hershey’s Kisses. I’d crack open a few cervezas and we’d sit on [...]

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The Milkman

October 12, 2009

To some extent we all feared the milkman. Even my father, who’d fought Franco’s men, would wait until the white truck was down the block before he’d get our bottles off the front step. And our milkman wasn’t mean, not like an old teacher you avoided at the grocery store or a dentist with foul [...]

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Forgettable National Geographic Covers

October 11, 2009

The DJs of French Guiana Celibacy Black Market Hair Old Scissors Slugs Plumbing Mongolia’s Cowboy Poets

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7 Confessions from My High School Biology Teacher to His Applebee’s Waitress

October 10, 2009

I used to think that Chinese people spilled things all the time, but you’ve never done that. I once took a fetal pig into the sauna with me I’ve stolen 13 ketchup bottles from you guys this year alone, and some A-1 sauce. I think about you when I listen to Sammy-Hagar Van Halen My [...]

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On-the-Job Interior Monologue #17: Female Runway Model

October 9, 2009

Obama for the Nobel Prize? Already? Granted, the Cairo speech was a huge step forward in American-Muslim relations (even if he hasn’t followed up on his promises to the Palestians, which is clearly a timing issue AND contingent on his developing relationship with Israel), and he has improved alliances abroad–with Western Europe, with Russia, even [...]

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Parents of the World:

October 8, 2009

Stop blowing on cuts. It’s not helping.

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Japanese Public Service Announcement (Early 18th Century)

October 7, 2009

Thinking about disemboweling yourself while someone cuts off your head? Don’t. Ritualistic suicide is no joke and should be performed by Samurai only. Because the only thing worse than shame is botching your Hari Kari.

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My Dinner with James Joyce

October 6, 2009

Sullivan’s Steakhouse, Charlotte, NC The hostess seats us at a small table in the middle of the restaurant. I ask for a booth, but she pretends not to hear me. “Can we sit here?” She shakes her head. What a fool for asking. He seems let down already. Drinks: Vodka Tonic (Me), Petit Sirah (JJ) [...]

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