I’m sure you get this all the time, but my honey doesn’t taste right lately. Is that my fault or the bees?
–Aftertaste in Ohio
Yes, I’ve had this question before. About 47,000 times.
But you’d know this if you actually read the column. If you say, I know you get this all the time, then why don’t you check a few back issues?
Un-fucking-believeable.
I’ll give you the answer because it’s probably not your fault you’re such a dipshit. I blame the parents. No one disciplines anymore.
Listen, bees don’t mess-up honey. They’ve been doing this for thousands and thousands of years. I’m guessing you’ve been at it for, what, a week? Five minutes?
Do us all a favor and get another hobby.
Try fishing. Any retard can fish.
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Do you have any natural remedies for bee stings?
–Ouch in Michigan
Well, first of all, I think it goes without saying that stings come with the territory. So if you’re a Crybaby Cathy, then you’re on the wrong carnival ride. This ain’t the ferris wheel. This here’s keepin’ bees.
Capiche?
Second, don’t you want to ask me a real question? One that challenges my forty-plus years of experience? Am I the only one who thinks that no one strives for anything anymore? Am I the only one willing to put a bullet in his skull the first time he can’t complete the Sunday crossword puzzle? Christ Almighty.
Fine. After you finish smoking out the hives (I’ll assume to my own detriment that you at least know how to do this), then and only then should you treat your stings. Mix some baking soda with a teaspoon of cold water, then put a dab on each little boo-boo.
Finally, if the stings themselves hurt, then you’re a first-class pansy, and I don’t want to know you, much less taste your honey.
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Why are you so mean to people for asking–what seem to most of us–completely innocent and benign questions? In fact, I would think it’s a great honor that so many keepers-in-training turn to you for guidance and advice. I would think you’d be flattered, not contemptuous.
On behalf of all your readers, I’m asking you to be a little more patient with us. We mean you no disrespect. And we appreciate all that you’ve taught us over the years.
–Concerned in North Carolina
My what an elegant letter!
Not since Cicero himself has language been so well commanded.
The fact that you incorporated both benign and contemptuous into the same paragraph must make you the smartest person in the entire junior college.
If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Concerned in North Carolina was really Florence Nightengale coming to stitch up my wounded psyche. Oh, Flo, it hurts so much. Take my pain away…
Give me a fucking break.
I don’t need patience for people like you, Concerned in North Carolina; I need a goddamned cyanide sandwich. Because what bothers me most, what keeps me up at night, is imagining tarts like you ruining the apiary craft.
Oversmoking hives. Collecting the honey too soon. Collecting too much. Bothering the Queen. Interfering with the drones.
Contrary to popular belief, beekeeping is not a right. It’s a privilege. One you don’t deserve.
So go make yourself useful and walk off a pier.
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How much smoke is “too much” smoke when I open the hive?
–Smokey the Bandit in Illinois
Whoever you are, I’m certain you were an accident.
