From the monthly archives:

November 2009

Letter Home from Autopsy Camp

November 18, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad, Yesterday we spent all morning looking at the kidneys of our cadaver. Based on their condition, the guy must have been a real drinker. That’s what Alexie said, he’s my friend from England. He’s got a colostomy bag so he can make fun of anything. He calls our cadaver Big Jim [...]

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Rashomon Kindergarten

November 17, 2009

Kelly M.–Tucker picked his nose, Mrs. Dillon. Tucker B.–Na-huh. Mrs. Dillon–Tucker, I saw you put your hand near your nose. Did you pick it? Tucker B.–No. Daniel K.–I saw Tucker scratching his nose. Tucker B.–Na-huh. Mrs. Dillon–Well, Tucker, if you weren’t picking or scratching your nose, then what were you doing? Tucker B.–My finger smells [...]

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Ask an Abusive Beekeeper

November 16, 2009

I’m sure you get this all the time, but my honey doesn’t taste right lately. Is that my fault or the bees? –Aftertaste in Ohio Yes, I’ve had this question before. About 47,000 times. But you’d know this if you actually read the column. If you say, I know you get this all the time, [...]

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Drum Circle Complaint Box

November 15, 2009

I’m really not comfortable with the snare drum from last week. Dan’s new girlfriend is really pushing the tempo. And she hasn’t been coming that long. There’s too much humus at the potlucks. Some people need to understand that the drum circle isn’t just about them. (Rain Johnson!) IT’S NOT A DRUM CIRCLE IF WE [...]

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At the Monterey Bay Aquarium

November 14, 2009

Excuse me, Miss, where are the sea turtles? I’m sorry but the sea turtle exhibit is under construction for the next six weeks. Oh. You might enjoy the starfish, though. They’re just down the hall. No, that’s okay. We just came for the turtles. You’re not going to see the great white shark? Not unless [...]

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More Excerpts From Awkward Eulogies

November 13, 2009

1. Honestly, we were so relieved he passed in his sleep. All those years at the paper mill, we thought for sure he’d get killed on the job. And I don’t have to spell it out for you. Saws. 2. Uncle Mort once said to me, Randal, you’re not much of a hat type-of-guy are [...]

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Rhapsody in Neon

November 12, 2009

My stepmother won’t come to my twirlings. Her eyes can’t handle it. My dad came once. A year ago–before I knew what I was doing. Before he and my stepmother adopted Trudy, the Russian baby they’re reluctant to let me hold. I smell Trudy when I’m twirling. Somehow, in the cloud of glowsticks, her milk-breath [...]

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Ten Tips for the Discrete Playing With of One’s Balls in Public: A Guide for the Male Novice

November 12, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cincinnati, OH) 1. Eyes Off the Prize: Once ball-play has commenced, you will be tempted, periodically, to check your progress. Do not do this! Even a glance signals an awareness of one’s actions. In the event that you are caught, it is preferable that you be able to look down in [...]

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Tad Lincoln’s Flashcards for His Father’s Generals

November 11, 2009

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Mao

November 10, 2009

Mao Reading horoscopes in the bathroom. Mao embarrassed by his mole. Mao alone on Thanksgiving, eating pudding with his fingers. Mao wearing rings in the dark. Mao with his mom at the store, running into his fifth-grade teacher. Mao’s friend Dominic not calling to sleep over. Mao screaming fucker! as he falls during double-dutch. Mao bad-mouthing [...]

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Lies I Tell My Son to Get Him to Practice His Handstands

November 9, 2009

1. Every handstand you hold for 5 seconds adds a year to your mother’s life. 2. Handstands make you smarter because they feed your brain more blood. Don’t you want to be smart like your brother Tyler? 3. If you can do a handstand whenever I ask you to—not using a wall to balance yourself—then [...]

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A Note in Mr. Abernathy’s File

November 8, 2009

February 21, 1999 After hearing him shouting in the bathroom, two sixth-grade students witnessed their English teacher, Mr. Abernathy, reading aloud to himself in front of the urinals. The book in question was Paradise Lost. According to the students, Mr. Abernathy then encouraged them to read from Milton as well, offering the part of Satan [...]

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One Last Attempt to Get Me Ballooning

November 7, 2009

My father thinks that he can get me to go in a hot air balloon by bringing a basket home and having me get used to it. Come on in, he says inside it. Feel the strength of the wicker. But I’m not afraid of the basket, I’m afraid of falling out. He puts things [...]

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Jai Alai Warm-Up Tape (Championship Season)

November 6, 2009

1. “I’M STILL STANDING” Elton John 2. “DON’T LET IT END” Styx 3. “AS NOITES DA RADIO LISBOA” Itoiz 4. “HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF” Duran Duran 5. “MANEATER” Hall and Oates 6. “EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE” The Police 7. “STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART” Bryan Adams 8. “PROMISES, PROMISES” Naked Eyes 9. “STAND BACK” Stevie Nicks 10. [...]

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A Blind Man Puts His Hands on Samuel Beckett’s Face

November 5, 2009

I’m just gonna do it… fingers in the mouth… as many as I can get away with.

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