CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cincinnati, OH)
1. Eyes Off the Prize: Once ball-play has commenced, you will be tempted, periodically, to check your progress. Do not do this! Even a glance signals an awareness of one’s actions. In the event that you are caught, it is preferable that you be able to look down in surprise, as if to say, “My hand? How did that happen? Did you put it there?”
2. Sitting v. Standing: Either mode is acceptable, but technique varies accordingly. For example, while standing lends itself to hand-in-the-pocket ball-play, reaching into one’s pockets while sitting is conspicuous and to be avoided at all costs. Similarly, the sitting position allows for crossed-leg, knee-up, hide-the-hand lap-work impossible to attain in a standing position by any but the most pretzel-legged of contortionists.
3. Watch the Clock: An official time limit has yet to be set for public ball-play. Anything lasting less than five (5) seconds likely constitutes not play but adjustment. Play exceeding ten (10) minutes is generally frowned upon in a U.S. court of law. Between these lies a window of time referred to by experts as “the gray area.” All would-be ball players are advised to work within said “gray area,” beginning at the shorter end of the spectrum and working toward the ten-minute mark as skill and confidence build appreciably.
4. Location, Location, Location: Just as there is a time, there is certainly a place. Sporting events are good. Bullfights, darkened bars, and dental conventions typically constitute safe choices. Less appropriate options include work and church. Ceremonial events, such as presidential inaugurations, baptisms, and the funerals of close friends beg crossed arms or hands at one’s sides. In the event that you attend such an occasion and find yourself unable to refrain from ball-play for the duration, excuse yourself and proceed to the nearest bullfight or dental convention.
5. The Right of Way Rule (Part I): In the event that another individual is already at work in your vicinity, ball etiquette dictates that you should refrain until the other man has ceased play.
6. The Right of Way Rule (Part II): It is never permissible to glare or make faces at said individual in an attempt to “hurry things up a bit.”
7. Hand in the Pants: A Methodology for Pants Capacity: When tunneling below the waistband, baggy pants offer super protection. The baggier the better. Unsure of the pair that conceals your pair? Take the Pringles Challenge: At least one—but no more than three—regular-sized Pringle potato chip tubes (flavor irrelevant) should fit down the front of your pants. If this is not the case, your pants lack appropriate bagginess. Two-Part Solution: 1.) Remove hand. 2.) Find new pants.
8. The dual-ball conundrum: Balls, like twin sisters, quickly grow jealous when attention is paid only to one. Even if one of your balls is smaller or approaches misshapen, it is still best, for purposes of healthy ball-play, to treat both as equals. In order to attain proper ball balance, follow the Five Stroke Rule, as exhibited in this memorable children’s nursery rhyme, sung to the tune of the first two bars of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star: “Five strokes for the left and right, keeps balls happy through the night.”
9. The Two-Hand Approach: Never attempt the two-hand approach! Only a Yo-Yo Ma of public ball-play can pull off the two-hand approach. Even then, he must proceed quickly and with extreme caution. Beginners interested in mastering the two-hand approach are encouraged to seek out a mentor at an early age. As with second languages, ball-play is best learned young, before the brain’s synapses fuse and mastery is rendered impossible. Mentors may be found anywhere. Hotspots, however, generally include the food courts of American malls, Southern breakfast establishments, and any public park featuring benches alongside one or more duck ponds.
10. On Leaving Well Enough Alone: From time to time, during the course of public ball-play, you will experience the urge to move from balls to shaft. Resist it! The move from balls to shaft signals the start of something else, something less ambiguous and almost sure to get you caught. (Nota bene: Getting caught is rarely good.)
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I had no idea ball play was such a refined practice. Going forward, I’ll make sure to heed this authors advise. Where did you find this guy? I want to read more!