From the monthly archives:

December 2009

The Pros of Above Ground Pools

December 31, 2009

Above ground ladder No deep end/shallow end tension More phallic than a traditional, hole-in-the-ground pool Repels obnoxious divers What you see is what you get, as opposed to mysterious, subterranean pools that could go down for God knows how far They’re a “big deal” in the Dakotas Perfect for aquatic “trust falls” Like a huge [...]

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Barbara at 12

December 31, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY PETER ORNER (San Francisco, CA) Detroit, 1946 It’s said Grandpa Leo got deranged a few years after FDR died. They had to put him in the Home for the Jewish Aged on Petoskey Avenue. He despised the place with a wrath he’d never shown towards anything else in his life. Once or twice [...]

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Unpublished Posts from 2009

December 30, 2009

Achilles Comes Out to Patroclus, Feelings Not Returned We’re obsessed with The Iliad here at The Fringe, but we never came up with a suitable post for it. There’s an Agamemnon post in there somewhere. We may still try in the years to come. Mostly, we just wanted to post this image because Hellenic penises [...]

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“Georgia”

December 29, 2009

My mom calls her vagina Georgia after Georgia O’Keeffe. This made me laugh when I was seven, old enough to name dolls and blankets, but nothing that was of something else. None of my friends’ mothers named theirs to my knowledge. If they did, they never mentioned it. As I grew older I became more [...]

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Toni Morrison Responds to Beloved-Based Slow Pitch Softball Team Names

December 28, 2009

I don’t mind Paul D’s Nuts, but I find The Baby Slitters Club offensive and irresponsible. No one asked me, of course, but I would have suggested Baby Slugs, Holy. At least that has a pun connected with the sport.

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Failed Ad Campaigns for Tongs

December 27, 2009

Tongs: It’s Time You Stopped Burning Yourself Pinch, Lift, Place, Hell Yeah! Tongs: These Ain’t Your Mommy’s Tweezers We’re Long, We’re Strong…You Know Where This is Going. Do It Tong-ether Less Asian Than Chopsticks For When You Just Don’t Want to Touch It

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If You Lead a Horse to Water, That Motherfucker Better Drink

December 26, 2009

Ever heard of a bridle? You pull that shit down. Hard.

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Public Service Announcement: Pariah vs. Piranha

December 25, 2009

Thinking about using a big word at your family Christmas gathering? That’s fine, but make sure you know what you’re saying. For example, a pariah is an outcast, while a piranha is a carnivorous fish from South America. Your cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant then left her for someone else cannot be a piranha. [...]

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Eggnogs of the World: Libya

December 24, 2009

1 quart goat’s milk 4 egg yolks 1 cup sugar 4 cups cream nutmeg (to taste) 4 dates dash of jackal blood (if available) 7 cloves

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The Prodigal Son Begins to Wear Out His Welcome

December 23, 2009

Hey Dad, why do you let Grandpa walk all over you?

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My Name Is Troy and I’m Latina

December 22, 2009

First off, both parents are from Duluth. Their parents as well. Actually, no one in my family tree has any connection to Spain. None whatsoever. In my sangre, that’s where I feel it. I’d say, I’m as much Latina as any Mexican guy. It’s probably wrong to say this, and I’m sure there are a [...]

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Charging the Windmill

December 21, 2009

If you’ve never held a lance, then perhaps you can’t understand the need to drive it into something. The larger the better.

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Preservation

December 20, 2009

She rounds us up, nags us together for a picture none of us wants but her. This is her custom, her right as she would say if pressed on the point. And so we gather, arrange ourselves in a row of sorts, the men with their hands fidgeting at their sides. The women hunching and [...]

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Comeback for a Candlestick Maker*

December 19, 2009

The Butcher, the Baker? No ambition. It was always just get it done. Just cut the meat or whip up some batter. They weren’t artists in the true sense. No attention to craft, no eye toward legacy. You even mentioned style and they went on the defensive. What’s more, they had no mentors. Name a [...]

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Fr. Malone’s Series of Unanswered Prayers

December 18, 2009

8:37 pm Dear Lord, Tonight I pray for the patience and the strength to endure Father Carmichael’s snoring, which has kept me up now since he transferred to our community some three weeks ago. And even though we are blessed to have separate rooms, Lord, I ask that I may fall asleep before Father Carmichael, [...]

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