From the monthly archives:

December 2009

Tina’s Recipe for Perfect Yams

December 17, 2009

SERVES 4 6 tablespoons butter 1 bunch rosemary 3 yams (about the size of a baby’s head) pinch of salt and pepper Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Prick holes in the skin of the yams. Put them in the oven for an hour or so. Some people use this time to chop the rosemary [...]

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5 Seasons at My Father’s Grave

December 16, 2009

Fall: No talking. Poured scotch on the headstone. He drank brandy. Winter: Told him about Theresa. Stayed for an hour or two. Spring: Picked up some trash–a plastic bag and a chicken bone. Put them both in my pocket. Summer: Read some Yeats out loud. A train horn spoiled the moment. Fall: No talking. Poured [...]

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3 Sarcastic Remarks at a Water Buffalo

December 15, 2009

1. I really like how you part your horns down the middle. 2. No, you’re right. What’s the American buffalo when compared to you and your beautiful hide. Oh wait. 3. Nice to meet you. I’m a land human.

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The Dutch

December 14, 2009

They call my uncle The Dutch, but no one knows where the nickname came from, not even my uncle who tends to remember things from his youth. If he remembers, then he’s not telling me. It has nothing to do with marijuana, or so I tell myself. I don’t like imagining him puff-puff-passing a joint. [...]

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Stockholm Syndrome Jealousy Syndrome

December 13, 2009

Stockholm Syndrome Jealousy Syndrome¹ (SSJS) is the psychological response of irrational jealousy sometimes seen in the friends and relatives of people suffering from Stockholm Syndrome (SS), which is the psychological response sometimes seen in abducted hostages, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they [...]

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The Diary of a Buddhist Missionary in Indianapolis

December 12, 2009

June 2 Meditated. Talked to some children about the Buddha. Simple lunch and dinner. Meditated. June 3 Meditated. Went door-to-door with the Sutras. No one opened. Oh well. Simple lunch and dinner. Meditated. June 4 Meditated. Talked about reincarnation with some Christians. Still no converts. Simple lunch and dinner. Meditated. June 5 Mediated. Breakfast with [...]

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Hawai’i

December 11, 2009

Try not to forget the apostrophe.

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Jackson Pollock Discusses His Muse

December 10, 2009

You want me to say that it’s a skirt, that I paint for some broad who spit in my eye years ago when I was a nobody. You want me to admit that my painting is just some tragic, Sisyphean labor to impress the one who never gave a rat’s ass about me or my [...]

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Pat on the Butt

December 10, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY DAVID DRISCOLL (Chicago, IL) Hector Burrito lost his temper and had an embolism so severe it busted through the doughy flesh of his La Preferida epidermis, spilling the beans. Everybody knew he was populated with microbials—La Enchilada Loco was always getting shut down for health code violations—but no one could have predicted that [...]

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Sometimes I Do Crow’s Pose In My Jeans

December 9, 2009

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Tucker Baines Reviews The Murky Fringe

December 8, 2009

My father used to say, Ambition is a good thing. He wasn’t one for poetry, but you get the idea. In the case of The Murky Fringe, ambition is bogged down by necessity, hindered by the self-imposed rule to post once a day. Instead of polished pieces we get sketches, which are often the seeds [...]

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Pantyhose

December 7, 2009

Whenever my parents went out of town they had my Aunt Jean come over and stay with me. More than a babysitter, Aunt Jean taught me to gut fish and sing songs about the railroad where she worked for twenty-some years. I asked her once if she’d ever been a conductor and she laughed like [...]

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A Tot Finder Model Speaks Out

December 6, 2009

There has been a lot of talk lately about abandoning the Tot Finder sticker program, and I understand the arguments. First of all, if you put the Tot Finder sticker (of me) on your child’s window, and he or she [I'm assuming here that if you have a transgendered child, your child will come to identify [...]

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Living Vicariously Through Armando, My Leaf Blower

December 5, 2009

Armando doesn’t do lawn work. He doesn’t weed or mow a goddamn thing. He blows. Leaves mostly. And sand. A balloon if it gets in his way. And he doesn’t make piles. He’s not rounding up mulch for your compost. You think he gives a fuck about compost? Man fuck your compost.

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The School Psychologist Apologizes for Misdiagnosing Your Child as a Prodigy

December 4, 2009

I’m truly sorry. I swore I’d never do this. My colleague at the Rathmore School had one a few years ago, and I thought maybe Zach was mine.

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