Block-Fest: When Family Facebooks

CONTRIBUTED BY CYNTHIA HAWKINS (San Antonio, TX)

First of all, let me just say it had been nice to be your friend before the unfriending-slash-blocking.

Before, I never knew that you were interested in networking or that you watched Biggest Loser or that you were “all that and a bag of chips” or that you were so photogenic from arm’s length.

This is why I posted the link to the David Hasselhoff paper doll pdf complete with “detachable chest hair,” because I felt we’d finally made a deep connection and that you would appreciate this gesture.

This is also why I posted that picture of you in your bikini and athletic socks holding a family-sized bag of Funyuns when you were sixteen, because, I mean, who else would have kept a photo like this all these years?  This is what family is for.

So, okay, I’m guessing in the end I assumed too much familiarity and all and got a little carried away.  You’re right.

I had no idea what you were actually doing with Doug, the “divorced salesman” who “likes to party as much as he likes a good novel,” and shouldn’t have made that joke about all of your banter regarding “getting lobster” being code for hooking up at hotel room in Maine.

Sorry.

I guess you missed the “LOL” I added after your husband’s “WTF?”

And yes I truly thought you’d think it was funny that our old ventriloquist dummy sent you a friend request.  You didn’t have to go and report him as a “fake account.”  I mean, he was really doing a bang-up job for me in Mafia Wars.  Do you know how much trouble I went to to find him in the attic and pose him for his profile pic? And then photoshop him into your family album? Please.

But really, I’m writing you this because perusing your friend lists and their friends’ lists from that other fake account I made is just not producing enough information for me on the whole Doug scandal, and when I see your generic silhouette pop up on our mutual friends’ pages it’s just a slap in the face.

I mean, you seriously can’t even click on it.  So frustrating.

Bottom line: I miss you and love you and all that and wish you the best with Doug and the lobster getting and sometimes when I think of you cutting out David Hasselhoff and deciding between the “one button’s enough shirt” and the “pimp cane” a little tear comes to my eye …