To be honest I'm not sleeping much. And when I do sleep it's not restful. I wake up and I'm still tired. Food tastes...well, you know how this goes. I'm having sex, but I'm not really into it, not taking the initiative, not exploring my desires, etc.
I know, I know, I should be running, taking better care of myself.
It's just, I keep waiting for that other shoe to drop.
I keep asking myself, Is this borrowed time? Am I invincible now? What does this mean with regards to free will?
Of course I feel guilty that I'm not doing more. I think Did I deserve a second chance?
Then I get angry--Why me--and all that. Lately, I've been fixated on the idea that I was just the product of circumstance. An example and nothing more.
It's just...my identity has been completely ransacked. That's how I feel. You think you're going to want to be resurrected, and then it happens, and ... Truth be told I don't remember anything. I don't know if time works differently when you die, or if your memory is erased, etc., but I can't recall a single thing.
It doesn't make me doubt anything. I'm a man of faith, you know that. It's just ... well, where are the perks--besides a second chance at life? I mean, I came back, and nobody asked me if that was even something I wanted, and here I am and everyone's like You must be so grateful and How amazing and What a miracle!
And it is a miracle--I'm not complaining--but ... it's not easy.
I just want to be able to say that coming back from the dead isn't easy and not have people judge me, you know?
I've got to stop being so hard on myself.