CONTRIBUTED BY LAURA ROBB (Hartsdale, NY)
The Murky Fringe: You were a painter, but you developed cataracts. Isn’t that poetic irony?
Claude Monet: I’m not sure. Is there even such a thing as poetic irony?
MF: Touche. Let’s talk names. Your other given name is Oscar. It would be cliche to ask if you’re an asshole just based on that, but…well…are you?
CM: Not particularly. I paint pictures of French gardens all day. It’s very zen.
MF: Your father’s middle name was Adolphe. Aren’t you glad that he didn’t name you Claude Adolphe Monet II?
CM: I’m not sure what you’re insinuating.
MF: Does it make you sad that people probably assume that your father had Nazi leanings?
CM: My father died in 1871. Again, I’m not sure –
MF: Is that why you threw yourself into the Seine?
CM: I thought this was an interview about the water lilies.
MF: The Murky Fringe doesn’t pull punches, Claude. Louis Leroy claimed that wallpaper in its embryonic state is more finished than your work. Is that why you threw yourself into the Seine?
CM: No.
MF: …Then…?
CM: I threw myself into the Seine because I had a bastard child I couldn’t afford to feed, all right?
MF: Is that why you cut your ear off, too?
CM: You’re thinking of Van Gogh.
MF: Do you find that only having one ear is helpful in blocking out irritatingly loud ambulance sirens?
CM: I still have both my ears. See? They’re right here. (Wiggles ears.)
MF: That’s a cool trick. You should market it. You’d be famous.
CM: I am famous. I have a whole room in the Lourrrre…the Loooovvvuher… Listen, people know me.
MF: Do you have a video on YouTube with over 5 million views?
CM: No.
MF: Ever been interviewed by Oprah?
CM: No.
MF: Ellen?
CM: I think you’re missing the point.
MF: Not even Carson Daly?
CM: No.
MF: Then you’re nothing.
CM: …
MF: Nothing, Claude.
CM: (Wiggles ears.)
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
crap!