Come Tie My Ascot, Please

February 27, 2010

I’m sorry.

I should have asked you nicely.

You’re right. That sounded more like a command than a request.

You’re right. I’m the one who needs your help, and I shouldn’t have used that tone.

Yes, it’s the same tone I use when I’m being impatient, and it won’t make me any new friends.

You’re completely justified to ignore me.

Yes, I can wait for you. I’m on your schedule because without you, my ascot will remain untied.

I am at your mercy.

And, yes, there’s a larger issue at stake.

One of respect.

Perhaps this calls for flowers?

A large bouquet of all your favorites. Lilies with the stamens removed.

What more can I say?

I’ve learned my lesson.

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Yes, I realize that’s slightly morbid, but you’re the part about the honey.

What’s it going to take?

Must I bleed by my own hand?

That would entirely defeat the purpose of this ascot.

I’m sorry.

I was raised to be haughty and I take full responsibility.

I promise never to take you for granted.

Please.

Here I am…on my knees…begging.

Do you want me on my stomach?

I’ll get on my stoma–

Thank you.

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