From the monthly archives:

February 2010

Breaking Your Penguin’s Confidence Before He Ships Off to Sea World

February 15, 2010

It’s not so much what you say. Penguins don’t process human language very well. Not even tone of voice. To break your penguin’s confidence (because he got a big head when Sea World called, and he’d been pretty humble before that, because what else can a penguin in Nebraska be if not humble), you need [...]

Check out the rest →

A High-End Escort Leaks the Secret of “No Kissing on the Mouth”

February 14, 2010

Mostly I tell my clients ahead of time that we can do anything for a price…except kissing on the mouth. I say, “I just won’t do that. No exceptions.” Then, when we’re in the throws, I’ll start to make like I’m going to kiss them on the mouth, then pull away. Then I act like I [...]

Check out the rest →

Performance Review at Hannah’s Hot Haus Pretzels

February 13, 2010

Have a seat, Trina. You’ve been with Hannah’s three months now. Our sales records put you at 5th out of 8 Hot Haus employees. Your goal when you were first given this job was to make the top three. Why do you think that hasn’t happened? I don’t sell enough lemonade? Actually, in the last [...]

Check out the rest →

How I Always Remember to Spell “Rendezvous” Correctly

February 12, 2010

First, I think of wren, the passerine bird in the New World family Troglodytidae. My grandmother loved wrens before she fell off that truck. I’ve got to remember to drop the w, which is easy because Aunt Jean, my grandmother’s only daughter, had a Wilma Flintstone t-shirt, and she dropped my brother when he was little when [...]

Check out the rest →

Air Duct

February 11, 2010

I stopped taking my dog up in the air duct with me when he got too big to turn left toward my parents’ room. My cat won’t go up there with me at all, and my little brother gets claustrophobic in the bathroom stalls at school. Lately I’ve been sleeping up there by myself. I’m [...]

Check out the rest →

Insect Parade

February 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY SONA AVAKIAN (San Francisco, CA) Herb barely looked at me when we ran into him today at the grocery store. He’s uncomfortable my wife Marie keeps telling me. Oh, he’s uncomfortable. I was lurching from the celery and carrots to the mixed nuts bin. He’s symmetrical. But he’s uncomfortable. Plus Marie has to [...]

Check out the rest →

That Moment When My Dog Trainer Puts a Pinch Collar on My Wrist to Show Me That It Won’t Hurt My Pug

February 10, 2010

“Ow!” “What?” “That hurt!” “No it didn’t. It’s just a little pinch.” “Don’t tell me how I feel!” “I’ve never had someone respond this way to the pinch collar.” “I think you should leave.” “The dog won’t mind it. Trust me. I’ve done this hundreds of times.” “Please leave. Now.” “Alright, but your dog needs [...]

Check out the rest →

14 Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Confess My Feelings to My Adopted Sister from Brazil

February 9, 2010

Alandra already has a boyfriend back in Sao Paulo. I’m not ready to take on a second language. My grandmother hates Argentina, and she’ll never learn the difference. It might be interpreted as a sign of severe penile disfunction in her culture. Alandra already has a girlfriend back in Rio. I’m never going to love [...]

Check out the rest →

Rebel Yell Translated for Union Soldiers, 1862

February 8, 2010

GO BACK TO NEW YORK YOU GODDAMNED ABOLITIONIST SONS OF BITCHES AND TAKE YOUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WITH YOU AND YOUR TOO-TALL PRESIDENT AND HIS CRAZY BITCH WIFE AND HIS SUPER FAT SECRETARY OF WAR AND HIS DRUNKEN VICE PRESIDENT AND YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR INDUSTRIAL-BASED ECONOMY WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU, YOU BUNCH OF [...]

Check out the rest →

Mixed Messages: Glue Factory Worker

February 7, 2010

Dwayne was told by management not to ride his horse to work anymore. It was making the guys who stirred the vats really uncomfortable.

Check out the rest →

Letter to a Fifth Grade Teacher From a Concerned Parent Following the Solar System Unit in Science Class

February 6, 2010

Dear Ms. Jordan, It’s come to my attention that you have recently finished your solar system unit. When I asked my daughter to tell me about the various planets she (very predictably) mentioned that Jupiter is the largest, Mercury the “fastest” (by which she meant “has the shortest orbit around the sun”), and Saturn, of [...]

Check out the rest →

My Oliver Wendel Holmes Doll

February 5, 2010

When I was a kid, I used to take all the clothes off my Oliver Wendell Holmes doll and draw nipples on his plastic chest. They were little specks, not the giant ones like some guys have. Holmes wasn’t a big nipple guy. And he didn’t like my other dolls. Not because they were mean [...]

Check out the rest →

5 Things That Our Calligraphy Club Dislikes About Loretta

February 4, 2010

Always bragging about her lower case g. Takes more than one brownie before everyone has had a chance. Excessively loud sneezer. Blames Castro for everything. Talks while calligraphing.

Check out the rest →

An Open Letter from the Family Dog Upon the Occasion of the Birth of Our Daughters

February 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cleveland, OH) People— Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scooter, and I used to matter. In fact, I used to be kind of a big thing around here. Nights, I’d curl up in Mother’s lap, maybe get a scratch behind the ears. When I was a good boy, I [...]

Check out the rest →

You Broke My Daughter’s Water Witchin’ Heart

February 3, 2010

Takes a cold-blooded man to tell a 15-year old girl that a dowser is born, not taught. Specially when that girl has been dreaming about water witchin’ her whole life. When other girls are chasing boys and getting pregnant, my daughter’s out in the woods looking for sticks and branches. And maybe she ain’t found [...]

Check out the rest →

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →