From the monthly archives:

March 2010

Tips for Scalpers

March 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MICHAEL ZUNENSHINE (Montreal, Canada) Rechargeable electric knives (save money on batteries). Carry crazy glue and wigs to scalp bald guys. Wear fur coats to easily conceal your spoils when riding home on the subway. Learn various Mexican and Native American dialects to haggle for the best freelance price per scalp (never go under [...]

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Acknowledgements

March 17, 2010

First and foremost, the author wishes to thank her parents who forced her to read about the Bolshevik Revolution when the other girls her age were sneaking into movies and playing Bloody Mary at sleepovers. She also thanks her first boyfriend, Ron, for his unyielding faith in the impossibility of succeeding without connections. She would [...]

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Leona Assembles Her Speed-Dating Questions

March 16, 2010

Who’s your least favorite Pope? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done with a horse? What’s sexy to me? If you were going to read a Shel Silverstein book at my funeral, which one would it be? Imagine that you’re the person in the “Footprints” poem with Jesus. How is he carrying you? Tell me [...]

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A Common Misconception Regarding a Particular House Painter Courtship Ritual

March 15, 2010

Contrary to popular belief, house painters do not dab turpentine behind their ears–or prime themselves, as the saying goes–to attract other painters. In fact, turpentine is not used in any house painter courtship rituals, and priming is a far more complex act, one which requires a great deal of training to notice in the first place.

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Rules for Codpiece Tag at the Opera

March 14, 2010

1. Codpiece Tag should only be played during intermission. 2. Athletic cups may not be used in place of codpieces. 3. A player is “tagged” when he or she feels a codpiece touch his or her person. This results in the loss of a point. 4. A player subsequently gains a point when he or [...]

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The Reluctant Confectioner

March 13, 2010

You make the caramels, Louis. Why? Because I’m tired. I’m so damn tired.

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3 Reports of Benign Misconduct

March 12, 2010

1. Lisa Fitzgerald saves her tomato aspic from dinner at her grandmother’s house and throws it at a Civil War memorial fountain. 2. Claude Jennings whispers to his friend during his wife’s toast at her sister’s retirement party. 3. Alexis Monroe hides the special toilet seat cushion required by her day care provider’s son, following [...]

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How I Remember Pi

March 11, 2010

3 toed sloth is my biggest animal crush. • [point] 1 person who I told this to (Sherry!) 4 people Sherry told (Todd, Linda, Agnes, Troy) 1 gym teacher who found out (Mr. Stallworth) 5 babies I wanted to have with Mr. Stallworth, but he’s already married with a baby of his own 9 drawings [...]

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Finding Out About My Grandmother’s Death While in Basic Training

March 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) At ease, Private. (assuming parade rest) Yes, Drill Sergeant. Private, I’m afraid I’ve got some very sad news for you. Drill Sergeant, you aren’t sending me home because I’m patently unfit for military service, and it’s stunningly obvious to everyone here that I’ve made a life-destroying mistake, Drill Sergeant? [...]

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I’m the Korean Darryl Dawkins

March 10, 2010

Except I just throw rocks through windows in Seoul.

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Northern Lights

March 9, 2010

I am 7-years old and my neighbor takes care of me while my mother works nights. Mostly he watches TV, but never too loud because that would keep me awake. We don’t talk much. I hardly see him at all because my mother puts me to bed, and then he comes over. One night though [...]

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How to Survive a 3-Way with Alfred Hitchcock

March 8, 2010

Breathe out of your mouth. When in doubt, lean into it. Pace yourself. No harnesses. Make eye-contact before you pivot. Keep it clean…unless he wants it messy. If he wants it messy, then make it as messy as you can stand. Then, when it can’t seem to get any messier, keep going. His safety word [...]

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SUCK: Americans Talk About Vacuuming

March 7, 2010

Paul Rosenthal (Bend, OR) Vacuuming used to relax me after therapy, until my psychiatrist moved to L.A., because he “had an opportunity to be closer to his kids.” Well, you shouldn’t get divorced in the first place, but you can’t give advice to a psychiatrist. No. They don’t make poor decisions. My new doc is [...]

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Uninspiring 4 Word Memoirs

March 6, 2010

I tried snails once. My catheter fell out. Should’ve bought better socks. What does gestalt mean? Too many Belgian waffles. I came; I saw. Never won at checkers. Mom said not hers. Cleaned up after camels. People liked my brother. Couldn’t remember state capitals. Pool parties, not invited. Spent time with goats. Still have my [...]

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Water Slide Worker Talking to Joyce Carol Oates at Raging Waters San Dimas

March 5, 2010

Excuse me, Ms. Oates? Me and the rest of the guys here are really big fans. Everyone’s read We Were the– [Okay go.] –We Were the Mulvaneys…no, thank you. That book changed my– [Go.] –changed my life. I’m sure you get that all the time. And let me just say– [Okay go.] I was heartbroken [...]

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