CONTRIBUTED BY AMY HANSON (Connecticut)
Vera rarely said anything true.
“How are you?”
“Delightful, thanks.”
Vera owed her therapist seventy dollars, had an empty gas tank and her next paycheck wasn’t coming for two weeks. The previous night, she saw her ex girlfriend holding hands with a voluptuous brunette at her favorite used bookstore.
“Glad someone’s doing well. I’m a mess, Vera. He didn’t call, and somehow I still care about the ass-sock.”
“Doesn’t have the same ring as asshat.”
“Cockglove?”
“Better, Naomi.”
“You’re not really delightful.”
“No. I saw Rachel with some girl at Quoth the Rodent.”
“Vagmitten!’”
“Not working.”
Vera smirked at Naomi’s feeble attempt to cheer her up.
“Welcome to Artemis Pancakes. May I take your order?”
Vera tried not to roll her eyes as she addressed a customer. Naomi’s mother owned the restaurant, and she got Vera the job during their sophomore year in college, theoretically so Vera could pay for textbooks until she got a publishing internship.
“I want three blueberry pancakes, a coffee with seven sugars and orange juice.”
“Certainly, sir.”
Naomi beckoned to Vera from the kitchen.
“Did that briefcase seriously order seven sugars?”
“I keep telling your mom she should change the name to Artery Purgatory.”
“You deserve better than Rachel.”
“Miranda July hasn’t responded to my letter yet. You deserve better than Tony.”
“Chuck Palahniuk hasn’t answered my letter.”
Naomi and Vera bonded in high school over their shared contempt of a Hawthorne-worshipping English teacher. They applied to Smith together, graduated together, and would probably have adjoining rooms in a nursing home.
“Are you coming to my dad’s lame picnic on Saturday?”
“If he makes that strawberry shortcake, hell yes.”
“It’s the only thing besides litigation he does well. Of course he’ll make it. Gonna invite Victoria?”
“Your crush on my sister is creepy.”
“She doesn’t look so much like you since she started wearing purple contacts.”
Mrs. Haverchuck sauntered towards the kitchen.
“Ma, we’ll get back to work, ok?”
“You better. I don’t pay you to socialize.”
