From the monthly archives:

May 2010

7 Rockettes Reveal What They Visualize While High-Kicking*

May 16, 2010

Jameel: a toaster-sized cube of Velveeta Susan: that smug motherfucker who reclassified Pluto Bobbie: any horse who’s looking down (horses bite people) Claire: I just pretend to be Reggie Roby punting in the 4th quarter Hannah: a cloud of rainbow glitter Dakota: sea anemones and cantaloupe Cleo: Clarence Darrow’s agnosticism * Rockettes are strictly forbidden from visualizing [...]

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Behind the Scenes at the Lincoln-Douglas Debates

May 15, 2010

You’re a freak. A freakish giant freak. You frighten children. Dogs avoid you. How tall are you, Stevie? I know this one, I’ve heard it, and I hate being called… Try, just once, responding to a query with a straight answer. Just to see how it feels. Okay, I’ll bite. I’m five feet, three inches… [...]

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Dana Winslow Edits the Waffle-Skeet Society’s Mission Statement on Her Last Day as Secretary

May 14, 2010

The Waffle-Skeet Society, a broad-based collaborative community program in and around Bowling Green, OH, assists low-income families to help them practice marksmanship and rifle responsibility through weapons instruction, through access to rifle ranges, and through instruction on the preparation and catapultization of waffles. Some WSS members develop positive self-esteem and clarify their values, while others [...]

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Parent-Teacher Conference

May 13, 2010

We don’t know where he might have gotten that. We don’t… This isn’t in keeping, is what my wife is trying to say. This isn’t how we raised him. We try very hard at home to make him aware of… difference? Is that the… We tell him all the time that everyone has, you know, [...]

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7 Reasons You Don’t Even Deserve a Dessert Pizza

May 12, 2010

1. Abusing your tire-iron privileges. 2. The constant Nietzsche quotes. 3. Jokes about my lisp. 4. You flunked your test on the endocrine glands. 5. You wouldn’t know what to do with a dessert pizza. 6. The ear-wax fight. 7. Because you didn’t eat your damn breadsticks!

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Saying Goodbye: A Narrative Guide to Disposing of Your Goldfish

May 11, 2010

The way you choose to send your goldfish into its final rest doesn’t have to be expensive or permanent (although encasing your dearly deceased in Lucite does make for a novel conversation piece). The important thing is that the way in which you choose to dispose of your now-dead friend pays homage to his or [...]

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Setting The Record Straight About The First Girl I Ever Allowed To Pour Hi-C Blast® On Me In The Bedroom

May 10, 2010

· Somewhere near Milwaukee. No, she wasn’t deaf. What kind of question is that? Yes, she knew what she was doing. No, of course she didn’t refrigerate it. It’s not as sticky if it’s refrigerated. A teacher. Middle school. Inner-city, but I don’t think that matters. No, I didn’t call her Fruit Pow. Yes, all [...]

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Punch Me Like I’m NOT Wearing a Headgear

May 9, 2010

That was your best shot? My 4 year old brother hits harder than that. And he’s in a coma. Just because I have a double-headgear on doesn’t mean you should take it easy. That’s insulting to me and to headgear wearers everywhere. Besides, if somebody kept calling my mother a cocksmoker, I’d knock his teeth [...]

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Red Panda: The Other Panda

May 8, 2010

I’m sick of it, to tell you the truth. I’m not related to that guy, like, at all. And neither of us are bears. Linnaeus, man. What a presumptuous ass.

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My Last Day on the Beaver Farm

May 7, 2010

Hey Deanna, so today’s gonna be my last day. No, I’m going back to school. Night school. Mostly, though, I just don’t want to breed beavers anymore. Honestly? The tails. And their teeth. I thought it would be different, that’s all. More cuddly, I guess? I know you warned me from the beginning, but I [...]

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Guidelines For the Novice Adult WoW Gamer

May 6, 2010

We’d like to begin by welcoming you to the community, and by extending our heartiest wishes for years of enjoyment in your World of Warcraft gaming experience. We especially appreciate your being here as a mature gamer, someone who is coming to what is often considered “a game for children, young adults, and the socially [...]

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Excerpt from Raef Davidson’s Tough-Love Parenting Camp Graduation Speech

May 5, 2010

And most of all, I hope you’ve learned that if your son or daughter ever comes home past curfew and reeking of vodka, that you put their ass straight on a treadmill and crank it to intermediate and you make them run until they throw-up every last drop of every last Screwdriver. But you know [...]

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My Five-Year-Old Half-Brother, The Zen Master

May 4, 2010

What’s the sound of one hand clapping? “…” That’s cheating. It’s… “…” It’s a koan. A coe-ann? A cone? It’s… “…” It doesn’t have an answer, is the thing. “…” Okay, fine. How about this: can god create a suitcase so heavy that he/she/it can’t lift it? “…” Again, there isn’t an… “…” Okay, fine. [...]

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Shannon Sharpe’s Volunteer Crossing Guard Partner Finally Speaks Up

May 3, 2010

It just seems like he takes some crossings off, you know? And I’m not the only one who has noticed it, either. Penny Fitzmueller subbed for me one day in February and said she counted twelve times Shannon didn’t even make it to the opposite curb with the kids. Twelve. That’s just dangerous. I’ve heard [...]

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Fire and Rain (and Lightning)

May 2, 2010

Whenever my dad sings “Fire and Rain” around the campfire he always adds and lightning to the chorus, winking at either my brother or me. I hate it. My brother loves it and always mouths the words with him. It’s their thing. And lightning. I can’t hear that song without those extra two words, without [...]

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