From the monthly archives:

June 2010

Siamese Twins Discuss Their Summer Reading Schedule of Middlemarch for AP English

June 30, 2010

Steven: I thought we’d do three chapters a day until we finish. Stewart: How many chapters are there? Steven: There are eight books. Stewart: Eight sections? Steven: Yes. Stewart: Why can’t you just say sections? Steven: Because she calls them books. Stewart: Who does? Steven: George Eliot. Stewart: Why did you call George Eliot she? [...]

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Know Your Pies, Installment 32: Strawberry-Rhubarb

June 29, 2010

[caption id="attachment_3986" align="aligncenter" width="493" caption="Combined, they can be deadly"][/caption] Known among pie historians as “Assassination Pie,” as it—or a close relative thereof—was the last dessert eaten by Pompey, Abraham Lincoln, Emiliano Zapata, Leon Trotsky, and Robert Kennedy. In fairness, Pompey’s last dessert had currants and hemlock in it instead of strawberries, Lincoln’s was a [...]

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Scrubbing Ass In The Shower Is My Crack Cocaine

June 28, 2010

It might be hemorrhoids. I don’t care. I’d sell my son’s bike if it meant five more minutes in the shower with some soap. [caption id="attachment_3982" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="I guess this would basically be the pipe"][/caption]

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Best Thing I Ever Did With My Time Machine

June 27, 2010

1982, East Lansing, Michigan. James Buchanan Elementary School 1st Grade Recess Tina Carothers: Hey April, my dad could beat up your dad. Me (having been coached for a week by 2007 Me on how to respond): You’re right. He could beat up my dad. In fact he might. And my dad might get hurt real [...]

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Dear Darryn;

June 26, 2010

[caption id="attachment_3970" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="And now I know why this doesn't look like me: because you're a liar."][/caption] I probably could have overlooked your pathetic attempts at artistic expression. I mean, I think I handled it well when I found out you’d taken naked pictures of me with your iPhone while I was sleeping and [...]

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Why I’m Not Giving My Guidance Counselor the Nickname He Wants

June 25, 2010

I don’t know him that well. He keeps mouthwash on his desk. Because loving Freddy Mercury does not entitle someone to the nickname “Freddy” or “Mercury.” I got into Cornell without his help. He tried to give me an Army of One t-shirt, but I turned him down and he acted all hurt like I [...]

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Apology for a Botched Trust Fall

June 23, 2010

Dear Jaques, I’m sorry I didn’t catch you. I guess when it all comes down to it, I don’t really trust myself. Regards, Carly P.S. My brother knows a wheelchair guy if you need one of those kind you steer with your mouth.

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DIY Double Bicyclist’s Internal Monologue

June 22, 2010

[caption id="attachment_3931" align="aligncenter" width="375" caption="If you find this impressive, you should see my toilet."][/caption] But really, what good can the individual do in the current democratic model? Past, of course–what did she want from Trader Joe’s? Some knishes, yes, but what else?–voting, donating time and money to those causes the individual supports, attempting through involvement [...]

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Using The Soap At My Uncle Alfred’s

June 21, 2010

I love staying there, and I love the idea of family ties, but between Uncle Alfred’s work and Aunt Tilly’s bad memory, I just… I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Is it really so out of the question to stay at a motel? Really?

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Gene Larkin Explains Trudy, His Asexual Shadow Duck

June 20, 2010

I’d done elephants and rabbits–anyone can do a rabbit, I didn’t know that yet–but it wasn’t until I tried an eagle that I discovered Trudy. When I debuted the duck to my nieces, they pressed me for the gender. In fact, so strong was their need to know the nature of Trudy’s sex organs that [...]

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Transcript From “Fringe Friday Potluck Happy Hour”*

June 19, 2010

*Wherein the staff members of The Murky Fringe drink cheap wine and gnosh upon various of the finger foods of their respective youths.** **Identities have been removed from transcript. [caption id="attachment_3913" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Careful, they're hot in the middle. And greasy all over."][/caption] A: Oh my god. B: What? You bring ham and cream cheese [...]

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Two Endocrine System Models On Their Break-Up

June 18, 2010

Gina: First of all, this isn’t about Ben the Circulatory model. I don’t care what Trevor says. This is about two people growing apart. Trevor: It’s about Ben the Circulatory model. Gina: It’s about me and you and your fear of– Trevor: Commitment? Oh give me a break, Gina. You’ve got a vein fetish! Gina: [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Britney Spears’ Vagina

June 17, 2010

Murky Fringe: You’ve gotten a good bit of media coverage in the last few years. Britney Spears’ Vagina: Tell me about it. Good Christ, I can hardly see for all the camera flashes whenever the car door opens. MF: To be fair, though, it’s not like you’re hiding, are you? BSV:You think I get consulted [...]

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At the Meeting to Discuss the Fleet Enema Twin Pack

June 16, 2010

All I’m saying, Paul, is that people usually want more than one. They want two–at least two. The research supports that. But where does it stop, Joanne? The 3 pack? The double-twin? I’m uncomfortable about where this is going. It’s starting to feel manipulative. And that’s not why we started selling enemas in the first [...]

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