From the monthly archives:

June 2010

Parents Day Goes Horribly Awry at St. George Day School

June 15, 2010

Mom, look, you guys used to be married. Can’t you do something? What? I think it’s cute that he’s involving himself. It’s more than he did while we were married, I can tell you that. He just used the phrase I fancy myself a bit of a thespian. I mean, getting drunk and hitting on [...]

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Bringing Tammy To Her Mother’s

June 14, 2010

It’s not that Tammy’s mother is a bad person, or a bad mother. In fact, she’s quite kind, and generous with her time, and it’s obvious that Tammy loves her. The problem is that Tammy’s mother races funny cars. You know, hot rods. Like NHRA, although she’s not on the circuit. Not yet. In fact, [...]

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“Are You Like the Junior Varsity of Midwives?” and Other Questions You Should Never Ask Your Doula

June 13, 2010

Are you sure the word doula isn’t Irish? Have you checked its entomology yourself? You personally? So, no badgers–at all–in the delivery room? Just none? Is this a correct analogy: a midwife is to a really important person as a doula is to, say, someone who still sleeps on her mom’s couch? Other than the [...]

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One-Line Conversation Killers, Part II (Apropos of Nothing)

June 12, 2010

Well, my gynocologist isn’t sure what to make of it. Yep, I’m pretty sure that Almighty Yahweh would totally agree with you on that one. My ex-fiancee–not Jake, that human stain, but Lane, who was totally sweet but needy–hated cashews. The world is a good place, I think, filled almost entirely with lie-to-your-face assholes. I [...]

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Hey, Heifer International, I Want My Goat Back

June 11, 2010

Well, technically, it is my goat. I bought it didn’t I? And for the record, none of this would have come up if someone would have taken the time to send me a thank-you note. Forget donations. I’m straight micro-loans now.

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Metallica Won’t Be Playing Your Birthday Party Because…

June 10, 2010

Original bassist Cliff Burton died on Kirk Hammet’s birthday, and he’s been fucked up about birthdays ever since. Lars Ulrich is afraid of birthday candles. And balloons. Years of cigarettes, alcohol, and screaming have rendered James Hetfield’s vocal cords incapable of the final high note of the birthday song, and it embarrasses the shit out [...]

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A Psychological Exploration of “Pull My Finger”

June 9, 2010

The danger, of course, is the child who plays “Pull My Finger” with someone who does not break wind, but rather smiles or laughs or, worse yet, makes no sound at all. This child learns to put her faith in the gentle pulling of a finger until, at a much older age (and with tremendous [...]

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Runners-Up in the 2010 Heublein Spirits Worst-Named Drink Contest

June 8, 2010

10. The Subdural Hemotoma 9. The Dirty Windshield 8. Shame and Regret in Liquid Form 7. Gary Coleman, The Later Years* 6. Big Jim’s ____________. 5. The Dangling Participle 4. The Rusted Turnbuckle 3. The Shart 2. The Creepy Uncle 1. Punxsutawney Phil’s Revenge * Too soon?

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A Vato Loco Waxes Nostalgic About Fatherhood

June 6, 2010

Adolescence is great, but I kind of miss the baby bjorn, ese.

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Open Response to Cease and Desist Letter From Themirkinfringe.com

June 5, 2010

Dear Sirs: We are as of Wednesday the second of June in receipt of your letter, wherein you claim that we knowingly, through the medium of our website (which it’s probably worth mentioning has nothing–nothing–in common with your website), attempted to divert your web traffic for profit, and wherein you further demand that we cease [...]

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Opening Up My New Edition Of Dillon’s “Karate Breaking Techniques”

June 4, 2010

I’ll say this: everything about Dillon’s, historically, has been accurate beyond expected measure. It’s the kind of karate breaking techniques book that you can rely upon for not only correct information, but a creative flair that you don’t find in, let’s say, Ralph Tarkington’s Board Bustin’, which is actually better than it sounds. But right [...]

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You Are The _ To My ___.

June 3, 2010

Michael Bolton Kenny G Tummy Tuck Eyebrow Lift Sonny Bono Chastity Bono Flexion Extension Brittney Cher Forrest Gander Forrest Whittaker Milk Snake Milk Shake Guy Ritchie Sean Penn Mashed Potato Locomotion Cher Madonna Crystal Pepsi McRib Lou Dobbs Helen Reddy Homeless man Parrot Peanut Butter Celery Stalk John The Baptist Apostle Paul Apologist Revisionist Day [...]

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There Are No Wrong Answers When Brainstorming Ideas For Homecoming Themes

June 2, 2010

Paul Farnsworth: “Fists of Fury” Mrs. Benson: “That’s great, Paul. I really like your impulse to accommodate our students of Asian heritage.” Brianna Rush: “To the Moon” Mrs. Benson: “Excellent. We could build a paper mache moonscape on the stage and dress up a monkey in a little cosmonaut outfit.” Temple Salvadaras: “All Quiet on [...]

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Hypothetical Four-Week Performance Evaluation

June 1, 2010

Female Editor of Online Blog Thing That Shall Go Unnamed: So… Other Female Editor of Online Blog Thing That Shall Go Unnamed: So… Hypothetical Performance Evaluee: I’ve been let go before. If that’s what this is, let’s just pull the Bandaid off, shall we? FEOBTSGU: Gosh, no. OFEOBTSGU: Whoah, hey. Nobody said let go. Only, [...]

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