We’re not calling anything an Ass-blaster. That just isn’t going to happen.
I’m just saying, there’s a remarkable uptick in interest in our twelve-to-eighteen-year-old demographic when anything has the word ass in it.
Also, Patriotic As Fuck is probably not going to fly.
I told him. I also told him that having a shirtless Uncle Sam looking like he’s about to have forcible sex with a bottle rocket just wasn’t in good taste.
I expect this from them, Jim. They’re old, and painfully out-of-touch, and their idea of provocative marketing is to add the word whiz-bang to the copy.
I think that’s two words, Steve.
It’s one word, Troy. It’s hyphenated.
And here, with this one, having a kid clutching the bloody stump of his hand, a look of indescribable agony on his face–what’s that about?
Umm… that’s mine, actually.
Okay, so talk us through it.
Well, the most common topic we found among our focus groups was the lore of the M series. How the old M-80s were actually a quarter stick of dynamite…
In my day, it was rumored to be a half-stick.
In your day, the fireworks were actually discarded munitions from the Spanish-American War.
And the twelve-to-eighteens have a remarkable body of anecdotes that are more-or-less ubiquitous throughout the country, with some allowance for regionalism…
Or was it the Franco-Prussian War?
Like for instance, in Arizona, they say it’s a saguaro that got blown in half by an M-80 this one kid found in his uncle’s garage…
I would like to remind you, Steve, that your uncle probably won’t live forever, and you might find your fortunes changing around here once a certain Somebody Else takes over as VP in Charge of Development.
Whereas in East Texas, say, it’s a pine tree…
Is that a threat, Mitch? Because if I thought I was being threatened, I’d have no choice but to…
And in the Midwestern states, almost without exception, it’s either a telephone pole, or a mailbox–due probably, I’m guessing, to the lack of trees.
Gentlemen, let’s keep ourselves focused. With the exception of Indian reservations and a few states where marrying your first cousin is legal, we only have about eight weeks out of the year to make our annual nut. So if you’re all quite finished, let’s get back to business.
Well, I for one admire your research, Jim, but you have to keep in mind what we used to say in the old days…
Maybe it was the Crimean War?
And that is: as many people as get blinded, crippled, and otherwise maimed-for-life by our products, we have to at least seem like we give a rat’s ass about their safety, and so unfortunately your idea is out.
I understand completely.
