From the monthly archives:

July 2010

George Micheal Shares An “I Want Your Sex” Backstory

July 16, 2010

I kept spelling “monogamy” wrong with the lipstick. It was funny the first 2 times, but the third time everyone was a bit miffed because, well, you have to wash the lipstick off the model’s back and that makes the skin flush. Then you have to wait for the skin to recover, you know, so it [...]

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Passive-Agressive Remarks Towards A Groundhog

July 15, 2010

Umm, soo… do you think you could get any fatter? Have you ever seen a hairy duffel bag falling down a flight of stairs? Well, like, that’s what it looks like when you try and run. I hear people call you a whistle-pig. What’s up with that? Hey, Punxsutawny Phil. Oh yeah? My bad. Really, [...]

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My Buffalo Soldier Fantasies

July 14, 2010

When I was younger it was strictly sexual, but now it’s mostly the camaraderie around the campfire and shooting Indians.

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Fjord Rasmussen, World’s Strongest Man, 1987

July 13, 2010

1951 (Age 2): Fjord stuns parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins at the annual family reunion when he lifts an empty keg (the Rasmussen family gatherings got a little wild) over his head. “With grip strength like that,” his uncle Hans murmurs, “the sky’s the limit.” 1958 (Age 7): Fjord begins strength training in the backyard [...]

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Argument About The Meaning Of Richard’s Latest Handstand

July 12, 2010

· Timothy: Well I just don’t see how that is supposed to promote peace. Richard: You didn’t understand half of June’s stands, so why in the world would anything change? Timothy: No, I don’t think it’s about not understanding. I just literally don’t believe that a weird soldier guy pointing a gun at you while [...]

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Pet Peeves for a Tailor (Other Than Fidgeting)

July 11, 2010

1. [You really think there's anything else? Just stop fucking moving.]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Hydroquinone

July 10, 2010

Murky Fringe: Aren’t you ashamed of yourself. Hydroquinone: Don’t start. Don’t even start with me. You don’t have the first clue. MF: Michael Jackson, Sammy Sosa, and those are just the most famous examples of… HQ: What do you know about negritude, white girl? MF: …the kind of horrible disfigurement that… HQ: Fanon, Said–what do [...]

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Parallel Oscar Universe: 1986

July 9, 2010

Best Picture: Witness Nominees: Out of Africa, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Prizzi’s Honor, The Color Purple Excerpt from Director’s Acceptance Speech: Peter Weir: “And, of course, I’d like to thank the Amish for welcoming us all into their closed community. That couldn’t have been easy. And if any of you had TVs, I think [...]

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Of Pancakes and Family Drama

July 8, 2010

I didn’t say anything when you and mom got divorced, did I? Brian, we’ve been over this. And last summer, for my birthday, when you didn’t get me a Jet Ski, did I say anything? Even a little bit? No, you didn’t, but that’s hardly the point. I don’t feel like I’ve asked for a [...]

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Black Actors Harassing a White Actor in the Audition Line for the Lead in “Othello”

July 7, 2010

Hey, man, the Iago line’s over there. [laughter] I’m not trying out for Iago. Oh, they already cast Desdemona. Sorry man. [more laughter] Joke all you want, but there have been several white Othellos. Yeah, not so much since MLK got shot. [laughter] Excuse me? Olivier, Orson Wells, Anthony Hopkins. I don’t think people are [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Mike Tyson

July 6, 2010

Murky Fringe: You became heavyweight champion of the world at what, eighteen? Mike Tyson: I believe that’s correct, yes. MF: Actually, it’s not. You were twenty when you won the WBC title. Which still made you the youngest heavyweight champion of all time. MT: Are you trying to trick and humiliate me with your skullduggerous [...]

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Two Guys Wearing The Same Retro “Barcelona ‘62” Soccer T-Shirt From Target Run Into Each Other In Line At The ATM

July 5, 2010

Hey cool shirt. Thanks, yours too. Yeah, my sister is disabled and on a limited income and she gave me this shirt and she always cries and cries when I don’t wear shirts she gives me. Oh. Y’know, I actually think it’s pretty cool, I mean it’s— She just fucking cries. And she can’t really [...]

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Hey England, Fuck Off

July 4, 2010

· This is right about the time when you might want to say “Bloody hell” or “Those cunts!” or something. Wankers.

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Things, In Addition to “Maybe the Dingoes Ate Your Baby” You Apparently Shouldn’t Say to Australians*

July 3, 2010

*A piece of scientific journalism conducted on behalf of The Murky Fringe in various bars in and around Johannesburg, South Africa, during the World Cup. So, you guys are all essentially the offspring of criminals, am I right? What the fuck is Vegemite? Does it taste as gross as it sounds? Because it sounds pretty [...]

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An Amazonian Manatee on Why West Indian Manatees Contribute the Most to the Sea Cow Stereotype

July 2, 2010

This question again? Cows. India. If you can’t connect those dots then you’re a fucking disaster. Oh, I’ve got an attitude problem? Maybe you should do some research before you bring that as your first question. Where’s my Snickers?

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