From the monthly archives:

August 2010

The Murky Fringe Interviews Your Work Uniform

August 16, 2010

The Murky Fringe: Is that, what? Starch? What does that? Your Work Uniform: Yeah, starch. This is an unnatural stiffness for me. Starch does it. You’re really getting right to it, eh? MF: How do you feel about that. About the starch. Tell me about the starch. YWU: [Looking around] How in the cotton-blasting hell [...]

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Terrible Distractions for a Young Patient’s Tetanus Shot

August 15, 2010

Hey Charlie, how’s your father’s cancer? I don’t trust my children, Charlie. Do you know what’s in granola? It’s made from orphans, Charlie. Sorry if I seem a little shaky: it’s the Red Bulls. Margot! Why does it smell like some dog’s been licking his balls in here?! Have I ever told you about the [...]

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Talking Suge Knight, 2Pac Shakur, and Snoop Dogg Through Their Photo Shoot (1996)

August 14, 2010

No, Snoop. For the twentieth time, you cannot be in front. Because Tupac is wearing a Moschino belt buckle and a leather–what would you call that? A bustier?–and we need to get the full effect of that. Plus he’s wearing a beeper. And that suggests connectivity. No, you cannot wear the beeper and bustier. Because [...]

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Not Sharing the Mammoth

August 13, 2010

Johann makes me hold the tusks, so I never get near the skull.

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The Class of 2011

August 12, 2010

Okay, so everybody’s here? Good. We want to get off to a strong start this year, so in my role as senior class president, I’m going to just ask that we, like, throw out some suggestions for our class motto. And no, nothing that involves seven. Or heaven. Sorry, Kevin. I don’t think using your [...]

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Chinese-Parade-Dragon-Head-Holder’s Pet Peeves

August 11, 2010

When people watch me moving the stick. Keep your eyes on the dragon-head! Firecrackers near my dragon-head. People who think that everyone holding a pole on the dragon plays an equally important part. (Come on, I’m the fucking dragon-head. They don’t just give that away.) MSG jokes. When people holding dragon-tail poles don’t do what [...]

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My Stepbrother, the Nascent Vegan, Drunk at a Party

August 10, 2010

I mean, he doesn’t even have a last name? Oh, okay, he does have a last name. But still. I mean, Prince of Whales? Who died and made him king of the goddamned cetaceans? Oh, okay. My mistake. Prince of the cetaceans, then. Well, no. Like, nobody is prince of the cetaceans. They’re too goddamned [...]

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What I Lasso And Why

August 9, 2010

Alfie. That dog is slow as hell. And complacent. That box of Wheat Thins over there because I’m hungry and they’re baked, not fried. My freesia-scented votive candle. This place smells like absolute shit. Those suitcases down in the basement. We’re going to Toledo next week. My cousin Tawni because she keeps jumping off that [...]

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Civil War Love Triangle with Nurse

August 8, 2010

Roy: I don’t care about state’s rights, Clara. I care about you. Clara: Shhh, you need to get some rest. Vern: He can’t rest. He just had his damn foot sawed off. Roy: You shut your mouth, Vern. I still got one good foot to put on your neck. Vern: Pretty hard to plow with [...]

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Amazon Review of Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace (One Star)

August 7, 2010

Okay, so the reason I’m giving one star is because they don’t let you give a half star. First off, I paid the extra three dollars for shipping, and it still showed up like a week and a half after I ordered it. And the stupid guy from UPS left the package on the front [...]

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Rodeo Clown To His Daughter: “Let Me Put On My Damn Make-Up In Peace”

August 6, 2010

Christ Almighty, Ginger. This ain’t for the bull now. It’s for me. I told you that.

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My Uncle Leonard’s Hawaiian Shirt

August 5, 2010

It was all of a piece–the lighter with a naked lady on it he got at some bar in Subic Bay, Philippines (the PI, he used to call the Philippines, when he spoke of it at all, which was rarely, since he rarely spoke at all), the unfiltered Chesterfield cigarette permanently smoldering in the corner [...]

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Talking Ron and Nancy Reagan Through Their Photo Shoot (1965)

August 4, 2010

Great, okay. Nancy, look at me. Now lean into Ron. Perfect. Nancy, keep looking at me. Good. Hold your son. Hold him tighter. Good. Tighter. Now cup his little breast a little. Good. Not too hard. Ron, where’s your red sweater? The one we talked about. The button-down V-neck? Well go get it. Ronnie? Hey [...]

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Dear Paolo,

August 3, 2010

Oh my god. This is seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And please believe me when I say that the hours we spent in bed–you reading Borges and Garcia Marquez to me in the Spanish, both of us drunk on Chilean wine, the gnawed bones of pampas-fed Argentinian beef steaks in a [...]

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Overheard at Dervish Try-Outs

August 2, 2010

I don’t know what you call that, but it’s not whirling. Spinning maybe, but not whirling. Next!

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