From the monthly archives:

September 2010

In the 21st Century Foxhole

September 15, 2010

“Of course I know the Camelbak is plastic. What I’m saying is that it makes me feel vulnerable…psychologically. Like I’m out here with a water balloon strapped to my back. It’s tempting Fate, that’s all. I don’t like it.” “Shut the fuck up, McNally.” “Yes sir.”

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Professor Dan Deever, MFA (Fiction) Iowa ’83, Redux

September 14, 2010

All I’m saying is this, Cassie. When the most hip literate guys you can think of off-hand are a rock and roll band, you’ve got serious fucking problems. No, not you personally. Don’t put words in my mouth. I’m saying that as a generation, you’re functionally illiterate. You, plural, is what I’m trying to convey. [...]

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Terence and Walter: Another Round Of Inappropriate Toasts

September 13, 2010

Walter: Here’s to sex parties with homeless people. Terence: Here’s to having babies out of wedlock. Walter: Whoa, slow down there, Terry. Sheesh. Okay. Let me help you out. Here’s to smoking crack while I’m pregnant. Terence: Yup. Here’s to having twins. Walter: There you go. Here’s to calling dad back after he asks you for [...]

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Farming Hay Is All I Got

September 12, 2010

Ever since the wife left and took the twins and the baby, pretty much all I got is farming hay. I tried my luck with cattle, but most of them didn’t survive the trip out from South Dakota, and I’d already spent two years of hay just shipping ‘em. I’m no drinker, but I hit [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Murky Fringe

September 11, 2010

The Murky Fringe: So, it’s been a year. How’s it going for you? The Murky Fringe: How’s what going for me? TMF: You know, being clever, amusing yourself, attempting to get some kind of following. TMF: You know what? Fuck yourself. TMF: That would be interesting to attempt. TMF: For the last three hundred and [...]

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Lavar Burton Opens Up About Books, Blindness, and Black History

September 10, 2010

People think that I chose the books for Reading Rainbow, but that’s not entirely true. A man named Stewart Jacobson was responsible for many of the titles that we used from week to week. Mr. Jacobson, however, was convicted of several white collar crimes and sentenced to 8 years in a minimum security prison. Our [...]

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And I Say To You In Turn

September 9, 2010

I’m sure that there were moments in the life of Christ Almighty, The Messiah, Jesus, where somebody decided to be douchey to him. Probably not any of the disciples, or the Marys, or anybody like that. No, probably some hating motherfuckers that saw all the love he was getting and wanted to knock him down [...]

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Overheard at a Sherpa Birthday Party

September 8, 2010

“Thanks, Santosh. I can’t wait to carry other people’s things in it.”

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Me and Robert Duvall: Evening in Texas

September 7, 2010

He was probably in his sixties, Robert Duvall, when we used to hang out, but that dude could put back some tequila. Straight from the bottle, that’s how Bobby did it. ‘Nother one, he’d say as we sat in my backyard, sweating, slapping idly at mosquitoes, Lonesome Dove on the TV we dragged out along [...]

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At Dinner With Jonathan Stepp, Cosmopolitan’s ‘Guy Guru’

September 6, 2010

Are you going to write about this too? I’ve already told you, babe, I don’t just write about whatever. I answer questions that readers have. Yes, sure, but obviously there’s truth involved from your own life that you put into the answers. Like what? What do you mean “obviously”? Like when you wrote how you [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews One Hand Clapping

September 5, 2010

The Murky Fringe: You’re a paradox, we get it. A concept toying with reason in order to free the mind of logical thinking. In other words, we know what you are, but we know nothing about you. Not really. One Hand Clapping: What would you like to know? The Murky Fringe: I’ll cut straight to [...]

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The Discussion

September 4, 2010

Could we maybe not have this discussion tonight? Again? I have work in seven hours. All I’m saying is that I get it. I get it. George Peppard? He’s dead. Can’t be in a movie if you’re dead. Well, most of the time, anyway. Mike, I don’t give a shit. Seriously. And Faceman? I mean, [...]

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At the Magnolia Street Neighborhood Watch Meeting

September 3, 2010

I propose, based on our success, that we take down the Neighborhood Watch signs. We can’t take down the signs, June. The signs keep the kidnappers away. Exactly, none of our kids have been abducted. The signs have worked. We can take them down. What are you talking about? It’s the signs that keep us [...]

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Inside “Scared Straight” Training

September 2, 2010

Okay, try again. You want to go to prison? Do you? You wanna get passed around from cell-block to cell-block like a box of Kleenex at a showing of Beaches? Right. Again, what you want to do is use references that will resonate with the youth, at the very least. Ideally, those references will bridge [...]

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Excerpt From A Cannibal Eulogy

September 1, 2010

Wally was a good man, a good and fat man whose jowls, I imagine, taste like some kind of salty-sweet bliss we’ll probably end up fighting over. He will be missed and savored.

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