From the monthly archives:

October 2010

Scalded

October 31, 2010

I’ve only had two earaches ever. I don’t remember the first—I was eight months old—and at nineteen I feel much too old to have this one. After all, infants get earaches; adults get Hepatitis. I shouldn’t complain—I’m not losing my toes to frostbite—but my eardrum’s throbbing, and every pass of blood feels like Keith Moon’s [...]

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Uncle Carl

October 30, 2010

No, Carl. It’s just not right. Why? Can you tell me why? I mean, you and all your friends are always going on about clean energy and renewable energy, and in case you haven’t noticed we’ve got a goddamned obesity problem–hell, a diabeetus problem in this country, and plus people pay money to go to [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Death

October 29, 2010

The Murky Fringe: There’s something we want to ask about, but Death: You want to know when I’m coming for you. TMF: No. Death: You want me to explain plagues and genocides, etc. TMF: No, we get those. It’s just Death: Wait, don’t tell me. You want me to talk about the afterlife. Heaven and [...]

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My Grandmother, The Sweepstakes, And Me

October 28, 2010

[caption id="attachment_4953" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="You maybe already won?"][/caption] This is a scam. All of these prize documents you keep opening and sending back? With entry fees? They’re scams. How do you know? What makes you so smart? I’m concerned for your well-being. I am having serious reservations about your ability to continue to live autonomously. [...]

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An Early Draft of Genesis

October 27, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY RYAN FORSYTHE (San Diego, CA) On the first day, God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light. And when God saw what he had done, he said it was good. It really brightened up the place. Next, God created the heavens, but he’s not clear on whether this was late on [...]

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Critiquing My Tracheostomy Shower Shield

October 27, 2010

Did it keep my tracheostomy scar from getting wet? Yes. But how much of that depends on the shower? I have a standard wall-mounted shower head, so I was fine. Let’s say, however, that I had one of those detachable heads that spurt unpredictably? Isn’t that just the thing to sneak under my shield when [...]

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Consecutive Comment Cards from Wendell’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and Salad Bar

October 26, 2010

Comment Card #1: Love the salad bar. Kinda running low on bacon bits. Just a heads up. Comment Card #2: Great as always except the bacon bits were nearly gone. Couldn’t get a second salad Comment Card #3: Wondering about the bacon bits. Haven’t seem them in a while. Everything alright? Comment Card #4: Is anyone [...]

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The Afternoon I Spent Bartending A Friend’s Party With My Real Estate Agent’s Shaky-Handed Adult Son

October 25, 2010

Trevor, can you pass me the olives? Which ones? Uh, the green—er, there’s only one kind. I was just kiddin! Oh, ha ha, yeah. So can you pass them. What does martini even mean, anyway? I don’t know. Hey there, welcome, how can we help you? A bourbon? Sure. [Looking back] Trevor, can you get [...]

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How High Is Too High? Bob Villa Ranks The Intoxications Resulting From Working With Various Industrial Chemicals

October 24, 2010

[caption id="attachment_4916" align="aligncenter" width="425" caption="Just as good at removing brain cells as it is at removing paint. Maybe better!"][/caption] 6. Oil-Based Paint You want to paint over those old cabinets, but don’t want to sand them down first. Which means you’ve got to resort to oil-based paint. Which means that you’ll have a low-grade ache [...]

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My Brother, His Girlfriend, Pearl Jam, And Me

October 23, 2010

[caption id="attachment_4901" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="I would still have your babies. Except you're married. And that would pretty much ruin it. And plus there's that whole Target exclusive release thing, which seems weird, but I'm sure you've got a really righteous reason for doing it."][/caption] There were other bands, sure. My brother, seventeen when grunge descended [...]

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Hipster Retorts to the Bumper Sticker “Guns Don’t Kill People…I Do”

October 22, 2010

“Sometimes people just get wounded.” “Drones don’t kill people…I do…from my CIA computer.” “How about just ‘I kill people because I have a fucking gun!’?” “Guns don’t kill people…Steven Soderbergh movies do.” “Actually, bullets kill people.” “More like “Guns don’t kill people…I work at Payless.”

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For The Last Time…

October 21, 2010

[caption id="attachment_4886" align="aligncenter" width="448" caption="And yes, it is the correct container for alcoholic libations in the Southeastern United States."][/caption] It is called a mason jar. That’s the kind of jar it is. They are made by, among others, the Ball corporation. Get it straight.

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Tips and Comments from Insufferable Sculptors

October 20, 2010

Avoid carving veins. That’s just the artist saying, “Look what I can do. I can sculpt veins.” I don’t do anything but horses. I’ve mastered the human form, but horses–their unruly manes–that’s my holy grail. Some of us take off our pants when we’re sculpting, say, a scrotum or the back of a knee. I [...]

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Moby Dick: The Made-For-TV-Movie: The Musical: The Murky Fringe Internal Political Upheaval

October 19, 2010

[caption id="attachment_4871" align="aligncenter" width="432" caption="To paraphrase American Humorist Laureate Mark Twain, f you care very much about satirical/absurdist web logs or blubber sandwiches, don't watch how they're made."][/caption] So. I feel like we’ve let this… what’s the word? Go on. We’ve let this go on long enough. Maybe a better way to say it would [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Dick from ‘The Crying Game’

October 18, 2010

The Murky Fringe: Good morning. Thanks for talking with us today. Do you feel like you were underutilized for the first 125 minutes of the film? The Dick from The Crying Game: Hi there. No, no. I don’t think that. I liked the timing. MF: I mean what’s interesting to me, and I think to [...]

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