From the monthly archives:

December 2010

At the Turkey Vulture Society Arm-Wrestling Fundraiser

December 31, 2010

Folks, just want to remind everyone that this about the turkey vultures, not you athletes. That said, may the best arms win. No spitting this year, Jerry. Just kiddin.

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Things Found in a Park Slope Snowbank

December 30, 2010

A child’s mitten. An empty Skittles bag. An empty Seagram’s Gin pint bottle. Three different deposits of dog feces. A different child’s mitten* An empty 24-ounce can of Steel Reserve High-Gravity Malt Liquor. Something that was either the contents of someone’s stomach or take-out Chinese. A condom, unrolled and draped in such a way as [...]

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On Creating the Canine Dialogue for Disney’s “Snow Dogs”

December 29, 2010

“I really pushed to give them all Inuit-style accents. I wanted it to be true-to-form, despite the fact that it was a talking-dog feature. So I spent some time with Inuits in Northern Canada and found that they slurred their words and spoke with a “pan-indigenous” dialect that could have been Comanche or Iroquois. It [...]

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Shirtless in Texas…

December 28, 2010

I was hungry. No sir. No sir. I had a couple of beers. A couple is three. Or maybe four. No sir. Yes sir. I didn’t know I was going to be hungry when I left the house. I left the house to get a pack of cigarettes. They know me there. At the store. [...]

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The MF Interviews Your Nap

December 27, 2010

The Murky Fringe: Are you fucking serious? Your Nap: Gotta get it done.

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My Vet Tech Laura Asking Uncomfortable Questions

December 26, 2010

1. How often do you express your dog’s anal glands? Once a week or every other week? 2. Do you have Rusty because you can’t have children or because you think you’ll train on a dog and find out if you’ll be good parents? 3. He doesn’t sleep in your bed does he? That’s just [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Brendan Fraser–Holiday Edition

December 25, 2010

The Murky Fringe: Let me just begin by saying, I really admire your work. Brendan Fraser: Thanks so much. That’s very kind of you to say. TMF: You came to prominence in 2003′s instant holiday classic Elf, but you’d been acting for some time before that, yes? BF: Wait. Did you say Elf? TMF: I’ll [...]

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Another Vacation at Dollywood Ruined by Dysentery

December 24, 2010

“What was in that funnel cake? Seriously. Go ahead. I’ll meet you guys at the Dixie Stampede.”

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Another Defining Moment in Family Holiday History

December 23, 2010

I’ve got to say, John. This is may be the topper. I mean, I thought the year where you kept badgering me to say “I bet you didn’t get me shit for Christmas,” until I did, at which point you presented me with a gift-wrapped box of freeze-dried dog feces, I thought that was going [...]

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Tips for Reading Angela’s Ashes to Your Gorilla

December 22, 2010

No accents. With the history between the Irish and the gorillas, an accent is just a slap in the face. Skip the sex scenes. This is just going to rile up the gorilla and settling him down is another matter. Not to mention the questions that will follow. Try to read the father as a [...]

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Another Reason You’re An Asshat

December 21, 2010

You referred to the political landscape of 1980′s South Africa as “pre-post-apartheid.” Which is just unpardonable.

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Swimming Back From The Buoy

December 20, 2010

I don’t know, I guess… I guess she seems ready. Ready for what, for getting married? Yeah. Yes. Right? I don’t know what you mean. Doesn’t she seem ready? I have no idea, she’s my sister, you can’t know these things about you sister. Well anyway. Maybe I am, then. You are what? Ready. To [...]

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Stop Calling Me Sancho Panza!

December 19, 2010

I’m your wife.

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Another Awkward Eulogy

December 18, 2010

Uncle Ray loved Star Trek. I mean, for a guy that didn’t finish high school, he sure did love him some sci-fi. Maybe he couldn’t change the oil in his car, or even fix a flat, but if you ever needed to know how a warp-drive worked, he was your guy. I remember the year [...]

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Explaining the Paradox In Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” to Your Son

December 17, 2010

Dad, I don’t understand what he means when he says, “Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye.” Come here, Donny. Bring your glass of milk. It’s time we talked about Bon Jovi, man-to-man. You see, son, sometimes in rock lyrics, the meaning is not immediately apparent. What do you think it means? Now [...]

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