In closing, I say this: Nothing—not a parasite, not an animal, not a hole in the goddamned ozone—nothing is keeping up with our growth. The future is obviously uncharted, and so very promising. No, not just promising—it is truly unlimited.
[Robust applause]
I can take a few questions. I fed yesterday, so I have some time.
[Laughter]
I have a question.
Please, step to the microphone.
What other kinds of evolution do you believe are possible, and when?
Well I’d say that’s unknown, but there’s so much to be hopeful for.
I want to fly.
Well, I think—
Maybe I’m the only one. [Turning around] Maybe I’m the only bed bug in this room who wants to know why we can’t FLY YET?
[Assorted murmuring, generally sounding like agreement]
I think you’re choosing to focus on the negative when there’s so much positive.
What about transporting blood diseases?
We don’t—
No. Fred, stop talking. So here’s what we have. We can’t fly. We can’t transport blood diseases. Only a fairly small percentage of people are allergic to our bites. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING US, FRED, THAT WE’RE BETTER THAN EVER?
You can’t just—
I can’t just what? I can’t expect anything at all? Of any of us?
Listen. We’ve evolved at a rate roughly six million times faster than the meek humans we feed on. Complex pesticides used to kill us in minutes, just five years ago, and now they make us giggle. Now they make our shells grow.
We want to fly, Fred. To fly. You ever seen a bee? Or better yet, a fly?
Yes, of course.
Those motherfuckers go wherever they want, and they’re weak and worthless. At least bees can kill a handful of the humans. But flies? They’re named after a goddamned verb. All they have to do is fly to be impressive.
Well—
And mosquitoes? Ever heard of those?
Sir, please. I haven’t been here talking just to hear myself—
Mosquitoes will fuck people up. Dengue. Malaria. Yellow Fever. West Nile. Other things I can’t even think of.
And what’s your point with all of this?
What’s my point? My point is you’re standing up here getting paid who knows how much goddamn blood to tell us how amazing things are going, and you don’t have an answer on what we really want to know most.
Which is what?
Which is WHEN THE FUCK WILL WE FLY?
The bee. Able to kill a handful of humans.
