Make sure to get some more tokens from your parents
1. Lifting All That Heavy Dough and Cheese for the Pizzas. This seems obvious to me, but maybe it shouldn’t be taken for granted.
2. Fast Ticket Processing. There’s something inherently masculine about moving quickly through a child’s ticket pile and getting her a vampire pencil or a plastic bracelet when she asks for it—all before her table has had a bite of pizza or a refill of Pepsi.
3. I Protect Children. You ever seen our Secure Stamp system? Where the kid and the parent both have to get the same unique stamp when they arrive, and no kid leaves without an adult with the same stamp.
4. Education. Listen, the only difference between me and a teacher is a shitload of educational debt.
5. My Prison History. I got into exercise-yard fights with men whose toddler daughters were tougher than your bitch-ass. Emasculate my balls, son.
6. Suiting Up. Check it out: playing Chuck during a Saturday afternoon in the summer? That shit is real. You can’t handle that heat. You just can’t. I can read people like it’s what I was born to do, and I’ll tell you this, straight to your crooked-ass fucking face: You can’t handle that heat.
7. Beer Fridays. See, exactly. You’re surprised, aren’t you. Most people don’t realize Chuck E Cheese serves beer. But the bigger secret: employees get one free beer at the end of our shifts on Fridays. That’s a perk that adds up over time. Not that you can save them up—I don’t mean you can save them up, because it’s use-it-or-lose-it each week. That’s why I always make sure I’m scheduled for Fridays. Plus my parole urine tests are on Mondays, so one beer from Friday isn’t gonna show up.
It's always some drunk asshole wants to fight a mouse
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