The Things I Like About Post Falls, Idaho

We are proud to present another installment of the Murky Fringe feature “In Their Own Words.” You’ll of course remember the previous installment, ‘ The Things I Like About Sparks, Nevada.’ Now, for this week’s feature:

“The Things I Like About Post Falls, Idaho”

As always, these are testimonials of true residents.

Wendy Bathmore, Mother of three, 2nd and Pine Streets: These are the safest streets in America. Or at least Northern Idaho. And don’t even start with me, I don’t care what those old prostitutes in Hayden say. Those aren’t safe streets. More meth in Hayden, Idaho, than in New York City, I bet.

Eliana Gutierrez, Office Manager, Falls Auto: Racist pieces of shit! These idiots think I’m a terrorist, and I’m from Guatemala. One woman literally asked me if Guatemala was in the Middle East. I told her I had to go to my flight lesson and she about shit herself.

Pete Collins, Principal Buyer, Falls In Furniture: What do I like about Post Falls? I like that both of my parents died here. And my brother, he died here too, back in ’93. Every teacher that I can remember, from when I was in school, they died in Post Falls too. And all of my cousins, they died here, all except Kenny the Queer—he died in Spokane. And don’t you go thinking I’m being prejudicing or whatever. Everyone called him Kenny the Queer. I loved that boy. Oh, also, my baseball coach and my first boss and my first love, they died here too. Every one of them. Not some peaceful way, either. Seems like people here just know how to die. My baseball coach killed his self at the train. Hey, man, anyway, what are you doing later?

So serene

Brenda Vera, Retired Truck Driver: This is the only place I’ve ever been—and I’ve been around, son—where the Mormons treat the regular people well.

Frank Bruce, Leisure Editor, The Post Register: I like walking to the falls with my wife Annie. On summer nights, if you go at the right time, there’s loads of young people out enjoying the weather, laughing and making beautiful noise. It’s like a poem, the impossibility of those kids understanding what they have and how quickly it will be gone. And on those evenings, with the right light, sometimes you can also catch a nipple shot.

Cathleen Feller, Assistant Superintendent, Post Falls School District: I like that when I hit the edge of my property, I can drive with my sunroof open and my windows down, just buck naked. My breasts out in the wide open winds. That’s what every woman wants, and I have that. On my property, for that half mile from the road to my front door, I have that.

Terry Balden, Foreman, Tidden Brothers Construction: I’ll tell you what I like. I like that state line. It ain’t far. And three times a week I go there and I fucking piss from Idaho onto Washington. Fuck Washington.