You want to know who to blame for the American Civil War? This guy.
Your “labor-saving” invention made slavery more profitable than ever.
When you didn’t get rich off of that, you used your Ivy League connections to sell guns to the Continental Army.
In so doing, with your standardization processes, you made possible industrialization. You made possible the assembly line.
Again: the world-wide human misery that sprang from the assembly line was very much your baby.
And after all that, you didn’t even have the goddamned decency to button up your waistcoat for a drawing. Not once in the eight hours it took sketch you–disheveled combover and all–did you think to yourself: maybe I ought not to look like I’ve been tippling and carousing with loose women.
And it’s not even your birthday.
Still, Feliz Cumpleanos, Eli Whitney. I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.
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Good stuff