The Bedside Strangler — Age 17-19. My first CPAP. Was still getting used to it. The name tells the story. It was my first machine, and I think it was probably my best name. It was a ComfortFull 2 with headgear.
The Alarm Clock — Just a basic REMStar Plus, but I was embarrassed about it (age 20-24 LOL) so I called it The Alarm Clock because it looks just like a digital clock. That’s what I told people it was. It’s hard for me to look back on that time.
The Sleep Fucker — An old classic. The name is a play on the Scottish/Montanan tradition of sheep-fucking, of course, except The Sleep Fucker is about giving the ol’ what-for to a good night of rest. Had this from age 24-27. Sort of my period of owning my apnea. Me taking back my apnea. It’s my “cunt.” It was a stock ResMed Swift FX for Her, and I still have it in my closet. Break it out on holidays just to remember that sweet smell.
Mommy Dearest — The first three of my kids were born with Mommy Dearest. A FlexiFit 430, colored pink because what the hell. It was decent and, oh, it did the job fine enough—some would say the same about me as a mother. Ha! Age 28-35.
Captain Blastoff — I’ll never give this one up. Never. Pry it from my cold dead hands. This is my last machine I’ll ever own. Captain Blastoff is a fucking CPAP Cadillac. It’s a Mirage Quattro Full Face and it purrs like a goddamned Persian Longhair. That’s a cat.
