I always thought of myself as the Pastor, though no one did actually bestow that great honor on me. But what all is there to it, I wonder?
Hon, can you take it outside, please? I have a lot of work to do. Don’t you be bothering these poor folks just trying to do their job! See, here’s another phone call. Greater Love Church of God in Christ, this is Wanda, how can I direct your call?
I’m just thinking, what does a pastor do? Mostly just listen to people complaining and talking about being scared, right? And then he tells ‘em about Jesus. Booya! Tell me I’m wrong.
Can you excuse me one second? Thanks. [Covers phone] Joshua Sellerby, you walk yourself out that door.
Can you call me Pastor Sellerby, Aunt Wanda?
I can call you Sore Bottomed Sellerby if you keep that up. [Back to phone] So sorry Mrs. Jensen. That’s my sweet nephew Joshua. He’s talking to the movie people. Yes. The documentary, I guess it is.
Now Mrs. Jensen, that’s a great example. That woman needs a pastor, if you know what I mean. A pastor can serve so many roles, really.
Mrs. Jensen, tell me, is murder still a sin? Uhm-hm. Oh it is. Okay. Well then Joshua will see another day. Okay well I’ll talk to you later. Have a blessed day Mrs. Jensen. Okay, bye-bye now.
If I was the pastor, I’d really bring people together. Or tear them apart. Just, something, you know? I’d make something happen for once.
Joshua, you better—oh there’s the phone again. Joshua, you go on. Now. I mean it. Greater Love Church of God in Christ, this is Wanda, how can I direct your call?
I mean, look at you guys. You make movies, it’s probably a pretty glamorous lifestyle. You’re off on red carpets and sleeping over at models houses. Oh? Oh really? Wait, so the life of a documentary star is different? You’re not stars? Oh. Well anyway, you’re in charge. Like you have power. Right? No? Jesus, well what the hell are you doing then? What’s the point? Oh to tell stories. Well, right, see, that’s what a pastor does. Tells stories.
I’m going to have to call you back. [Hangs up phone] Joshua, I’m going to count to five. If you’re not out that door you’re not gonna know what hit you. ONE.
Even if you guys aren’t sleeping with models, I have to say I’m impressed with your swagger in and around the church. you’ve got that cert—
TWO.
That certain thing—sorry, Aunt Wanda—you guys have that thing, the one that tells me “We’re here to create something sacred. You know? Or if not sacred, at least something, I don’t know, true?
THREE.
All I’m saying is, somebody give me a microphone, then we’ll see what happens.
FOUR.
Fuck Pastor Mike.
FIVE.
I could drive that goddamned bus. See you guys later!
