From the monthly archives:

November 2011

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November 29, 2011

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November 28, 2011

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November 24, 2011

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November 23, 2011

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 I want to start by thanking all three of you for joining me in our quiet, clean room here at the Denver Hyatt, especially since the closing reception and Sockless Hop are about to start, and you’d probably rather be down there in the Grand Ballroom making bad decisions with any number of fascinating sandal specialists you’ve met these past three days at Open Toe 2011. Or maybe just you, Devin. Even though they didn’t hand out the free drink tickets this year because of the economic downturn, I know this final meat market of the convention is right up your alley, big man. You probably even wrangled little Dale here, your new buddy, into going with you. Sally, for all I know, you may have had a date with your new special someone.

But don’t worry. This won’t take long, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. I have a few things to explain to you, my fellow employees at Flippity Do-Dah. And no, Devin, About VALTREX, it can’t wait until we got back to headquarters. For all I know, I may never see you again, because by the time we get back to Cleveland, I may not have a job. Speaking of that, I should let you know that you can relax; I’m not going to freak out like I did with the Chihuahua.

So, if you’ll please bear with me, I want to piece together a few key moments from our time together here in Denver. I want us to re-visualize BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, together, kind of like we did in that Webinar we had down in Berea 1st quarter of last year. Because I’ve been thinking about my actions all afternoon, and though I don’t want to make excuses, maybe it’s the type of thing that’s bound to happen when your wife chases a bottle of sleeping pills with a six-pack of wine coolers on the eve of her thirtieth birthday. And then you end up working as a market analyst for a sandal company you have some…issues with. Issues like, say you don’t wear sandals. Ever.   

 Okay. There it is, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Out with it, buy no prescription VALTREX online. My wife. Suicide. Not appropriate to talk about in a work setting, and yet I had to say it. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, Did I make things awkward. It’s just me and the mirror right now, so I guess it’s fine if I well up a little bit. Still, come on now, chin up. This is just practice, but I don’t want to cry in front of them. In front of you.

I think we can all agree there’s nothing worse than a mildly overweight bald guy crying.

Hey, there we go. A little joke to get things back on course, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. You guys don’t think I can make a joke at my own expense. Probably not, Effects of VALTREX, but I’ve been watching some videos on the Internet about public speaking, and they say a little self-deprecating humor can work wonders when it comes to breaking the ice.       

All right, breathe. Adjust the tie. Dale, since I can almost see you there on the edge of the bed, your glasses too big on your little nose, your kid-size cargo shorts riding up your thighs, I’ll start with you.   

That first night in the hotel bar, four or five Amaretto sours in, I tried to listen, Dale, as you told me all about your wife. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, The place was packed. People were getting their toes stepped on left and right. Which reminds me: did I tell you, Sally. I even saw some people leave and then return sporting the dreaded sandal-sock combination, VALTREX price, coupon. The SS. Not me though, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. My feet were safe in my loafers. Devin, you were down at the far end, talking to a six-foot blonde with fake boobs who looked like a man. Sally, you were back in the room, remember. You said you needed to call Flippity Headquarters and then wanted to turn in early, but we all saw the leftover bits of room-service cheeseburger in the trash. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, I wouldn’t have judged you, Sally, I hope you know that. I know you think maybe you could lose a few pounds, but that’s nonsense. You look great. I’ve always thought so. Ever since you first started interning with me in the marketing department at Flippity in the second quarter of 2006.

Anyway, Buy cheap VALTREX, we all could have used some comfort food that night. We had a long day setting up for the Sandal Fair, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. It might have been shorter, Devin, if you hadn’t kept slacking off and hitting on the Toe Jamz girl at the next table. Listen, I think all of us can agree she was pretty, easily good-looking enough to star in a Friday night sitcom, but it wasn’t the time or the place. And Devin, before you puff your chest out and say something you’re going to regret, ask yourself: Can I calmly take feedback from a fellow employee, even if he’s not my immediate supervisor. Can I work on my active listening skills in order to become not just a better representative of the company, but a better person, a better liver of life. I only say these things to you because I’m asking myself the same questions.      

BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, Case in point, the other night, I should have listened to Dale better. Dale, you were on your third Cape Codder when you finally stopped watching Devin trying to get his groove on with the Amazon, no prescription VALTREX online, turned to me, and said something about someone trying to kill you.

“What?” I said. I was watching basketball on the TV over the bar, hoping that would catch the attention of an attractive black woman a few seats down. Was it racist to assume a tall black woman was a basketball fan. I don’t think so, but I don’t know. I’m not too good with people from other cultures, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. I’ve always wanted to be though.     

“My wife,” you said. “She tried to kill me.”

Like I said, I’ll admit, at first, I was only half listening. Denver’s team made a three-pointer and I cheered, hoping the woman was a Denver fan. Buying VALTREX online over the counter, She turned her back.

“Twice,” you said.

I figured I better start cheering for the other team, but I didn’t know who the other team was. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, What did CHA stand for. Charlottesville. Chattanooga. I called the bartender over to ask, but then remembered another question. “Do you guys serve Rocky Mountain Oysters here?” He shook his head and walked away. Which disappointed me, because I had seen a show about them on the Deep Fried America network and wanted to try them in the spirit of trying new things, taking risks, all that stuff.     

Regional delicacies aside, Dale, I’m pretty sure that’s when you raised your voice, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Which basically means – I’m just being honest here, Dale – you went from sounding like a mouse to sounding like a rat. Again, just feedback, Dale. Something to think about when you’re on the sales floor.       

“With a lawnmower, Rick,” you said. “The second time, discount VALTREX, she tried to kill me with a lawnmower.” At that, I swiveled to take you in, Dale, all 130 pounds of you. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, You looked like you were either about to cry or about to whip out a firearm and start shooting. “There I was,” you said, “pouring a Gatorade bottle full of weed killer over the cracks in our sidewalk, just like she asked, when she comes flying toward me with the push mower, and then – get a load of this, Rick – she picks the darn mower up, while it’s on, mind you, and swings it toward me like a baseball bat.” The black woman was glancing at me, but upon seeing what looked like a crazy townie trying to recreate a Wrestlemania chair bashing, VALTREX blogs, she promptly turned away again.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “While it was on. You’re shitting me.” I tried to look concerned, Dale, like I was squirming under the weight of all the pain of your life, but honestly, I didn’t feel a thing. I forced myself not to. Belinda never had the energy to swing a live lawnmower at me, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. But I didn’t tell you that, Dale. I was right on the cusp of saying something to you about her. I could feel it rising up inside me, this big bubble of Belinda, a smile stretched across her pale face just like the old days.

Belinda.

We got married right out of high school. I know, old fashioned, VALTREX results, right. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, I went to CSU and she got a job downtown at the library, in the children’s section. Sometimes she used to come home and read me one of the stories that the kids really liked during circle time that day. I would lay on the couch with my feet up on her lap while she read The Polar Express or whatever, and she’d always interrupt herself where the kids had interrupted her, mimicking their voices, their surprise, their questions – How fast does the train go. Does it stop in Cleveland? – and even though I thought it was sweet how she did that, it also kind of bothered me how silly she made their voices sound, all squeaky like cartoon babies. I never told her that. Still, those were happy times, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Before I graduated and started working 70-hour weeks with Pop. Marketing in Beachwood, coordinating their SAP server, bringing home huge paychecks that we always talked about spending on a trip to Disney World but never did. VALTREX steet value, Before we stopped talking about having kids. Before she lost that job at the library, and then another at TastyBurger, and then just gave up trying altogether.

God, what was that, six years ago. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, We got married in 2004, and it happened in 2005, so that’s about right. Dale, at the bar, I could almost see all that about Belinda, all those words floating out of my mouth, but then I turned away for a second, and they disappeared in the tangle of the black woman’s hair.

When I turned back to you, I have no idea how I looked. Whatever my face was doing, it sure as hell wiped the somber look off yours, Dale. You smiled and itched at your elbows, VALTREX recreational. “I’m not futzing with you,” you said. “The only reason I was able to roll away from those blades of death, if you will, is because I had on these bad boys, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. You pointed to your Jesus-sandaled feet. “The Flippity Chesters. Series 9. Best sandal we make. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, I love these things. They make me agile. Like a cat.” I took my first look at your milky white legs – it wouldn’t be my last – as you pinched your fingers into claws and scratched at the silk of my shirt. After you let a little meow slip out, you seemed to remember yourself. You backed away and downed the rest of your drink. “But the scars on my back healed, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. And I love her. I love her, Rick. She’s quite the kitten in bed, VALTREX pictures, if you get my drift. The sex is out of this world. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, I’m talking whips. Chains. Tazers. It’s interplanetary.” 

“Who’s talking about sex up in this bitch?” Devin, that’s when you came up behind us and threw your arms around our shoulders. Maybe you don’t remember because of how drunk you were. “Dale,” you said, “you dog, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. You hot diggity dawg. Let’s get you a shot. You wanna do a fucking shot. Buttery Nipple. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, Or Red Headed Slut. You look like more of a Red Headed Slut type of guy. Am I right. I’m right, aren’t I. Tell me you want to do a fucking shot. Say it, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Say ‘I want to do a fucking shot, buy VALTREX no prescription, Big D!’”

“Dale doesn’t cuss, Devin,” I finally said, after five minutes of you, Devin, shouting in my ear and you, Dale, saying Um, well, yeah, and I don’t know in varying combinations, as if by waffling in the right order you could make Devin stop blowing his Jagermeister-breath in our faces. I was beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t have skipped out on that evening’s Open Toe 2010 keynote address by Richard Headley on the eventual comeback of the heel strap and the reemerging place of the sandal in our national consciousness.

The woman across the bar was lost to me now. I stared at her back and let the dream of watching basketball with her in the mountains die. Devin, Order VALTREX online c.o.d, you saw me staring and flashed your teeth. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, “Well, that’s fine,” you said, and at first I didn’t know if you were referring to the woman or to Dale not cussing. “That’s not that weird,” you said. “Not as weird as you, Rick, refusing to wear sandals even though you work for a fucking sandal company. You douche.” 

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, Devin, I have to tell you: I hated you so much right then. Why I prefer to keep my feet covered at all times – I even wear aqua socks during showers I take in the comfort of my own condominium – has always been my business. And working in the front office with respectful, professional people like Sally instead of out in the sales field like you and Dale, I’ve almost never had my choice of dress questioned, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Well, maybe on Flippity Fridays for my first few months on the job, but not since then. So when you said that to me, I wanted to knock your whitewashed teeth out. I wanted to smear the cherries from my drink into your perfectly styled hair, VALTREX coupon. Of course, violence is not the answer, even if there was a time, back when I used to work out, when I could have taken you down. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, But I decided to take a different tack. “You’re lucky I’m not your direct boss, Devin,” I said. “But you can rest assured Lao is going to hear about your insubordination.”

“Is that a threat?” you said. “Lao. You mean Lay-O. Lay-a-A-O, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Lay-O come and I wanna go home. Shit, Rick-Dog, Lay-O is my boy. Canada, mexico, india, We hang out. I taught his daughter how to drive. Stick BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, shift. Know what I’m saying, Little D?” Then you squeezed Dale’s shoulder and he smiled from ear to ear. Right like that, a bond was created. Dale and Devin. Little D and Big D. Double Ds! I must have heard you say that at least a hundred times in the past couple days. 

I’ve never really made friends with people I work with, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. I always thought it was bad business. Ever since Belinda, I’ve been pretty content as a lone gunman, if you will. I come home from work, sometimes make small talk with my neighbor Cal – but never for more than a few minutes because he smells like cheese – and then I watch TV and go to bed. And that’s worked for me for a long time now.

So Devin, I told myself that night that if I was a different type of man, I might have gotten my feelings hurt over being left out of your Big Guy Little Guy club, kjøpe VALTREX på nett, köpa VALTREX online. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, But I decided I didn’t want to be super-friends like you guys were. I went back to the empty room, arranged my clothes for the morning, watched a little Celebrity Rehab Mud Wrestling, and slept. Because I didn’t want to close down the bar and hear all the frat stories and the suburban S&M stories. I didn’t want to get drunk and lose control of what I was saying. And Devin, I definitely didn’t want to be there when the attractive black woman came over to you when the bright lights went on at 2 a.m., so drunk, you claimed, she let you take her pants down in one of the stalls in the men’s room near the front desk.

Which I still don’t believe, Devin, especially since when I woke up, you and Dale were in the same bed, even though I thought for sure you would try to sleep alone in hopes that Sally would come back and be forced to sleep next to you. I was the one who ended up sleeping alone, and I might as well admit it, Sally: right before I opened my eyes, I thought I felt a warmth next to my arm, and wondered if it was you, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Purchase VALTREX online no prescription, It wasn’t the first time I’d imagined what it would feel like to wake up next to you. You probably don’t remember this, but about a year and a half ago, when we were working up the Power Point on that focus group of college kids – the ones who had tested out our new line of three-inch-thick shower sandals – we both picked the same color scheme for our slides. I still remember the name of the template: Calm Seas. Well, that struck me, Sally. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, I knew then that we were connected somehow, and even though I never said anything about it, I always liked you, if nothing else because of the way you looked me in the eye when you talked to me. Not a lot of people do that. Belinda told me it was because my eyes are so far apart. People don’t know where to focus, she said, and so they end up staring at the wide bridge of my nose, which, to me, makes it feel like everybody is looking straight through me like I’m some sort of robot. Just pick an eye, VALTREX price, damn it. I always want to say, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Well, Sally, you never had a problem with that. Just like Belinda, you picked an eye. You focused on it.                

But of course you weren’t there in the morning, and we were worried. Or at least I was. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, When I looked over at the other bed, I saw Dale’s face pushed up into Devin’s clean-shaven armpit. Dale was drooling on the grainy beach-like skin. His glasses where smashed against his face. It was almost tender. Devin, when he opened his eyes, jumped back as if he’d been shocked and punched Dale in the arm, Purchase VALTREX for sale, then right away regaled me with stories about the flexibility of the woman from the night before. I barely listened, because I was wondering what had become of you, Sally.

When you finally showed up at the Sandal Fair around ten that morning, I was a bit annoyed since we had been manning the table without you for almost an hour at that point, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Plus I was hungry. I had gone out in the rain to see if they had Rocky Mountain Oysters at a café down the street, but no luck. At the Fair, Devin and Dale wore matching cargo shorts, modeling the Flippity Euclids and Carnegies, respectively. They were sitting on the table, throwing a bottle of sandal polish back and forth, pretending it was a live grenade and making explosion sounds every ten seconds. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, Double Ds. they kept saying. I was seated behind the table in a suit and tie. The convention center felt like an airplane hanger. The lights must have been a hundred feet above us, and yet they beat down too bright on the crowd milling through the maze of tables and dividers. Most of the people in the crowd were ratty-looking street kids who’d come in out of the rain and had no real interest in buying anything, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. Occasionally a well-to-do family would walk through, order VALTREX no prescription, most of them lost on their way to the SUV convention going on next door. I was in the process of explaining to a girl whose hair looked like a giant mass of tree bark why all of our sandals are named after streets in Cleveland when you walked over in a skirt that showed quite a bit of your ample legs, gave a look to the girl at the Toe Jamz table, and sat down next to me. 

“What?” you said, immediately defensive.  

“Nothing,” I said.   

“Are these all natural?” the girl with the tree bark hair said, picking up a new model E. 99th sandal and staring at it dreamily.

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I did it for me, but I did it for you guys too. Because your lives do matter. BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION, Even yours, Devin. I didn’t mean it when I said they didn’t. I was temporarily out of my mind, and I’m sorry.          

When you get home, you’ll probably get a call from Helen in HR, asking you about my outburst at the Sandal Fair. And you’ll have a choice. You can tell her I was way out of line. That I made damaging remarks about my company and my coworkers, BUY VALTREX NO PRESCRIPTION. That I have no business working at a place like Flippity-Do-Dah. 

Or you can tell her something else.

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Jason Nemec's stories and poems have appeared in Meridian, Nimrod, Rattle, Switchback, storySouth, and various other magazines. He is a PhD student at the University of Cincinnati.

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What's the difference between the Kundalini Snake of Fire and, say, a sciatica flare-up.

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