From the monthly archives:

November 2011

Last Night I Dreamt…

November 29, 2011

Of strippers. Like I do every night. I dreamt of strippers stripping to Bartok, Beethoven and Brahams. I dreamt of strippers lapdancing to John Cage’s 4’33, and but the DJ cutting it off at 3’30 and the patrons getting pissed. I dreamt of strippers pole dancing to the Alvin and The Chipmunks Christmas album of [...]

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The Family That Preys Together, Stays Together

November 28, 2011

Dad, do prairie dogs go to heaven? No, and neither do terrorists, Nathan. Goddamnit, go get your brother and send him over here. You can hunt with your mother. But dad I jus— Now.

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Paul Gilles, Age 40, is Confronted by Paul Gilles, Age 30

November 26, 2011

Paul Gilles, Age 30: Say that again. Please. It’s not that I didn’t understand the component pieces; at least, I could figure most of them out from contextual clues, but all put together, like: Does Not Compute. Paul Gilles, Age 40: Okay. I was just saying that if I did a session of P90X®, the [...]

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Thankgiving Haiku*, Nathan Rogers (Age 9)

November 24, 2011

Paw-Paw Screams “Pants Broke!” Uncles Burning J’s, Skynrd Sneaking Beers is Cool _________________________ Mom and Dad Hate-Smile Burned Pumpkin Pie, O’er-Fried Bird Wish They’d Get Divorced _________________________ Televised Football Too High on Turkey to Care Like Tao: Win, Lose: Same _________________________ *Haiku, Plural of Self? Surely Not Stem-Change Like “Mice” Google Would Tell Me

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What I Need to Say on This, the Last Day of the Flip-Flop Convention

November 23, 2011

Contributed by Jason Nemec (Cincinatti, OH) I want to start by thanking all three of you for joining me in our quiet, clean room here at the Denver Hyatt, especially since the closing reception and Sockless Hop are about to start, and you’d probably rather be down there in the Grand Ballroom making bad decisions [...]

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Thornton Wilder Breaks His Silence on Our Town

November 22, 2011

Am I proud of Our Town? I am, from the standpoint of successfully capturing the transitory nature of existence. Grover’s Corner is the world. Every waking moment you don’t spend in sweet reverie for the life that is, with full knowledge of the unending bleakness that is to come, well, that’s time not fully lived. [...]

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Conversation in the Bud Light Lime Department of Budweiser

November 20, 2011

You just got called up to The Show, Ron. [Ron speechless] The SHOW, pal. The Big Time. [Ron still speechless] You’re gonna leave our limey ass and finally get outta this place. I’m not sure I want to go up. Not go up to The SHOW? That’s Budweiser, son. And they don’t ask twice. I [...]

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I’m Sure the Cuisine Here at My Thai Doesn’t Compare…

November 19, 2011

…with the Thai food you had in Thailand. Unfortunately, I only had a couple of hours and twenty bucks to spend on dinner. And so help me, if you make casual reference to your spiritual tourism jaunt to Angkor Wat one more time, I’m going to jam that chopstick in your eye.

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Assessing Your Medicine Bundle

November 18, 2011

Let’s see, that looks like some type of claw. Raven’s claw? Are you sure? Because it looks like a robin’s claw or a mockingbird’s claw. That’s just weak medicine. And this? This is fox hair I’m afraid. That’s a small predator. Again, if it had been coyote or wolf, then you’ve got something. [...]

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Calling it “Artisinal” Stripping Doesn’t Change Anything

November 17, 2011

You’re still shaking it for money in Federal Way, Washington. Federal Way ain’t Seattle, honey. It ain’t even Olympia.

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Last Night I Dreamt…

November 16, 2011

Of being back behind the bar. Like I do every night. Apparently, being back behind the bar is my new “I never finished high school” dream. The venue was larger, and we never seemed to open, but people kept showing up at the bar–some of them people I know who’ve been sober for twenty-plus years. [...]

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A Frank Discussion With Your Teenage Son

November 15, 2011

Hey pal, can we talk for a minute? No, you’re not in any trouble. Yes, I’m sure. Just, I was walking by your room earlier and I heard something that made me think we should chat, man-to-man. Well, that’s the phrase for it. I know I’m your mom. But until your dad decides to come [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews Your Gym Locker

November 14, 2011

The Murky Fringe: How do you manage? I’m mean, how do you come back to what you do day after day? Your Gym Locker: It’s hard, it is. The smells, obviously, the slamming. But I enjoy the atmosphere. I really do. TMF: The camaraderie? YGL: Yes. The camaraderie, the hijinx. It’s difficult to contextualize. TMF: I’m [...]

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3 Rules for My Mom’s Elephant Gun Collection

November 13, 2011

1. ”Don’t ever take them off the wall and pretend to shoot an imaginary elephant like it was that easy.” 2. Don’t ever take them off the wall and ‘sword-fight’ with them. They’re for killing elephants at a 1000 yards.” 3. Don’t buy Mommy elephant guns as a surprise because you’ll just buy the wrong [...]

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Sincere Questions Asked During Class That Have Earned Me the Ire of My Fellow Yoga Practitioners

November 12, 2011

So, this Serpent of Fire that’s supposed to crawl up our spines during our Kundalini practice. Is that literal? Like a literal Serpent of Fire is going to crawl up our spines? I know that it’s supposed to be hot in Bikram, but this is craazy. Could we maybe open a window? Do you have [...]

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