Everyone wants to know, Sally, what does a dead body feel like? Etcetera. For that, you’ll have to talk to someone who’s been doing this job for a month or two. Maybe three. But for me, after nineteen years, asking what dead bodies feel like is about the same as asking me what oxygen tastes like when it fills my lungs. I don’t have any idea what it’s like to feel anything else.
Formaldehyde, oh… The answer is yes, it is indeed the elixir of the gods, just like the old saying goes. Trust me.
You want to give me an award for being a mortician and embalmer? Well go the fuck ahead, if you want to, but it’s not going to change the way I work—every body, every cell of dead-and-more-dying skin: it’s my passion. I don’t need awards to have passion. But I won’t lie to you—knowing that I finally beat out that old whore Genevieve Walker is a goddamned pleasure.
Here’s the thing. Ohio’s mortician and embalming laws are easy: don’t fuck with the bodies. Sexually, I mean. That’s more or less the only rule. You want to dress it up? Do it. You want to put a pipe in its mouth and take a picture? Go for it. You want to throw a party and have that body in the middle of the room on a spinning chair wearing a sundress and a cowboy hat? Yes, you may. Just don’t get sexual. It’s really that simple.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I recently read online that “wet”, “forty-water”, and “whack”, which I’d always thought was weed dipped in formaldehyde, is actually just weed that’s been dusted with PCP.
The various sources I read went on to say that smoking formaldehyde wouldn’t do anything to you. Can you confirm or deny this?
Because for whatever reason, I’m really concerned that I might have been smoking weed dusted with PCP when I thought I was smoking weed sprayed or dipped in the fluid they use to preserve dead tissue.
Dear I Get Wet,
Of course you can smoke weed dipped in formie. The only heads-up I feel is necessary to give you is that you’ll want to have a hot-water shower and some lukewarm drinking water on hand, as well as some Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips (but the Sun Chips is true for even non-formie weed smoking, isn’t it).
I was under the impression that “Forty Water” referred to a forty ounce malt liquor beverage, preferably Olde English. Well, I prefer it, but I’ll drink what ever I can get, specially when I’m wet. Or wacked. Shit, if I’m dusted I’m liable to drink any damn thing that is put in front of me, who am I friggin kidding. Life is hard.