From the category archives:

Absolutely Real (Seriously)

Custer’s Last Stand and Other Lies

May 18, 2012

Listen, Rebecca, I know it’s our son’s ‘history’ project but I have made it very clear in this house that I am skeptical of historical records. Do we own any? No. Have I blocked Wikipedia on your computers? Damn skippy I have. Our ‘historians’ want us to believe that humans have lived on this one [...]

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Comment Cards for Danny’s Shingle Emporium

March 14, 2012

“Seems like the Spanish tile is always on back order. Maybe, I don’t know, get a new distributor.” “Great tar prices!” “I been a roofer for 21 years. 7 in Fresno, 9 in Bakersfield, and 7 in Modesto, and this is the best selection I have seen, including Saint Claire’s Shingle Shack.” “No Coke machine?” [...]

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I am the Roger Federer of DIY Home Renovation (Per David Foster Wallace’s Essay)

March 8, 2012

People ask me what it’s like to be so quick with home renovations. “Man,” they say, “It’s got to be like living in a montage. In the length of time it takes to listen to an inspirational Frank Stallone song, you’ve like gotten all the furniture out of the house, everything stripped down and repainted, [...]

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Howie Fredonia is Your Presidential Candidate

March 2, 2012

Good morning, Americans. And if you can hear my voice, I consider you an American. I feel that if you are standing within the borders of United States, then you are automatically an American. Even if you are a tourist. Look into my eyes. What color are they? You’re right if you said Patriotism. Is [...]

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Lubbock, After the Cotton Gin

December 27, 2011

After getting fired after two and a half weeks at the cotton gin, I boarded a Greyhound to Lubbock Texas to drink away the pittance I’d made at the cotton gin, which was still quite a bit more than I’d seen in some time. I went to Lubbock hoping that my friends would tell [...]

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Babe Ruth Responds to the Sexual Euphemism: “Pitching and Catching”

November 4, 2011

I’ve got no problem with it. In fact, it’s a fairly accurate metaphor, though not so much in what I would call “tender lovemaking” in which both people (be it homosexual or heterosexual) cease to be separate but rather one entity pulsing and throbbing towards a final and universal climax. But to use it in [...]

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Potshots at Culturally Vogue Phrases #37: “Meeting” Your Baby

October 29, 2011

We get it. You can’t wait until your baby quits feeding on you from the inside and instead becomes a completely dependent mass (with fully functioning lungs!) outside of you. And yes. We understand that you’re hoping one day that your kid will look something like you, maybe say or do interesting things, take care [...]

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A Father Addresses His Adopted Son on Appropriate Responses to People Saying “Happy Birthday” with Air Quotes

October 16, 2011

It depends more on the size and estimated toughness of the individual, but as a general rule, a quick punch to the neck should shut them the hell up. Then, when they’re gasping for air you say, “What’s wrong? I can’t [air quotes] hear you.

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Army Dreams

September 20, 2011

For more than a decade now–since a couple of years after I got out of the Army–I’ve experienced variations of this recurring nightmare. At first, it was of the reaching the finish line and not being done variety: the kind where you are in high school, except you’re the age you are in waking life, [...]

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Are Carrots the New Phallic Symbol?

September 11, 2011

Piss off, cucumbers!

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Just Don’t

July 2, 2011

Dear Middle Aged Lady in Mom Jeans who performed a singing rendition of Sojourner Truth’s speech “Ain’t I a Woman” to the accompaniment of her cargo-jorts-and-action-sandals-clad husband on guitar at the farmer’s market on the Sunday before the Fourth of July who introduced the travesty that followed by saying, “All the ladies in the house, [...]

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When You Say “Mother Earth” I Can’t Tell If You’re Joking

June 24, 2011

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Christian Laettner’s Basketball Academy Mission Statement

April 1, 2011

Mission Statement [Editor's Note: This is not the work of The Murky Fringe. This is real.] To provide a fun, learning environment for the devoted, committed basketball player who wants to improve their game. I will focus on skill development, such as ball handling, passing, offense and defense concepts, plus one on one skills [...]

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