From the category archives:

Absurdities

John Holmes and Eazy-E Converse In Heaven

May 22, 2012

John Holmes: It doesn’t seem fair. Eazy-E: I know. I mean, when we caught the bug, it was like… one minute you’re fucking, and five minutes later you’ve got the full-blown AIDS. JH: I mean, did Magic catch the bug two weeks after us? E-E: If that. JH: Good thing there are drugs in heaven. [...]

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Things I Unfortunately Remembered While Watching The Jaws Of Life Open A Car Door

May 21, 2012

That scene in Requiem for a Dream. That I forgot my lunch again. Second time this week.

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Aunt Cordelia at Waffle House

May 17, 2012

Before she was struck and killed out on Farm to Market 1438, Aunt Cordelia walked every night the three miles to Waffle House. This was a couple of years after they let her out of Terrell. She never had any money, but the Waffle House people would give her coffee. “You want a cup of [...]

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How to Make Uncle Ken’s Coq Au Vin

May 15, 2012

You’ll need a chicken, of course. Preferably stolen sometime the night before from the farmer down the road. If you’re Uncle Ken, you won’t remember having done this. If you live in one of those urban areas where the revivalist hipsters haven’t successfully asserted their poultry-keeping rights, you can just steal a chicken from Safeway. [...]

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Impromptu (Slightly Drunken) Speech at Scotch Brand Double-Sided Tape Celebration (1982)

May 14, 2012

We did it everybody. We fucking DID IT!! [raises can of Coors] I remember when those assholes at Elmer’s were like “Double-sided Tape? It’s called GLUE.” We showed them, didn’t we. We SHOWED THEM…the assholes… [deep drink of Coors] So what’s next everybody? Where are we going? Cause I’m going to the FUCKING MOON The [...]

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It Feels Like You’re Judging My Martin Van Buren Fetish

May 2, 2012

Of course it’s the hair! Crazy old man hair gets me going. I told you this when we met, and you said that you’d do whatever I asked. Well, now I want you to put on this wig and sideburns and whip the living hell out of me. Just do it, Jake!

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My Second Most Humiliating Break-up

April 26, 2012

ME: Welcome to Arby’s. May I take your order? RACHEL: Jeff, we need to talk. ME: Please drive up to the first window. RACHEL: I think it’s better this way. ASSHOLE JOCK: Order me some curly fries, okay? ME: Who the fuck is that? ASSHOLE JOCK: Get me some fucking curly fries, nerd. RACHEL: I [...]

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Burt Gibson: University of Phoenix Dance Team Choreographer / Accountant / Foster Home Volunteer

April 25, 2012

I love coaching dance with distance learning students, but family comes first. My wife and my foster kids; kids, I hope, who will take to halftime performances at sporting events as much as I have.

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Werner Herzog Moderates a Discussion Between Tina Yothers and Keisha Knight Pulliam

April 20, 2012

Werner Herzog: You were both chosen to be the verbose, to be the contrary, to be the youngest who speaks plainly and often. Tina Yothers: The smart-aleck, annoying younger sister, yes. Keisha Knight Pulliam: Rudy Huxtable wasn’t annoying. Smart-aleck, yes, but not annoying. Rudy was cute. WH: Which of you feels more sorrow, I wonder? [...]

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This is the Downton Abbey of Trailer Parks

April 20, 2012

I’m telling you, Mr. Reporter, we’ve got a regular Downton Abbey, honest to Oprah, class system in this here mobile home community. Maybe not to the uneducated (or should I say educated?) eye, but there is a whole system of haves and havenots that makes this place downright soapish. Take Mr. Timmerson. That is not [...]

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Elephant in the Room: Paul’s Flirtation with Bear Orgies

April 19, 2012

What’s fascinating is that they’re solitary animals, so when they get together in a big group it can get pretty crazy. I’ve heard it’s best to not jump in at the beginning, but to watch so they can get comfortable with your scent–THEN ease in. I don’t know about Pandas. I don’t know if there [...]

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The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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Things You Shouldn’t Have to Say to Strangers

April 11, 2012

I think you sat on my Snickers bar. Actually, it’s not ironic at all. My dad worked for Lovely Ladies Car Wash and gave me this shirt before he died. No, I didn’t do it, I just found the ear and brought it in. Which one of you fucked my wife first? Well I can’t [...]

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In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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My Imaginary Sexual Relationship With Ernie Els

April 9, 2012

I’ve never seen the U.S. Open, not even on on television, so I don’t understand this any more than you do. I’m not a golf fan, I don’t like that weird South African accent, and in all other ways I’m a blue-blooded straight man with a very attractive wife and two lovely kids. But there’s [...]

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