From the category archives:

Absurdities

Stages of “West Bank Fever”

April 2, 2013

1) I have no idea what you are talking about! I did not have relations with that Palestinian! 2) I would say I’m right about here with acting on my feelings with that Palestinian with whom I did not have relations. That said, I’m as curious as anyone about what might occur when we get [...]

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Ten More Reasons We Aren’t Posting As Frequently As Once We Did

March 26, 2013

10. The post-election slump hit us hard. 9. Human voices woke us, and we drowned. 8. Really thought we’d be more widely read (read: internationally famous and/or having a book on the Urban Outfitters 75% off table) by now. 7. We saw how quickly Shit My Dad Says went from “we’re in TV show [...]

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These Are Some Things I Desire…

December 20, 2012

Elevator, between floor 1 and floor 22, reaching out to touch the freshly uncapped dome of the khaki-coated, newly balding man who runs late on Wednesdays and Fridays. Hallway, between women’s restroom and janitorial closet, standing very still, though occasionally extending right foot in half-walk, until tallest of tall blonde women with best smelling perfume passes, saying [...]

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Overheard at 90 Therman St.

December 13, 2012

Holiday Party! 2012 If Suze eats one more deviled egg, I’m going to have to say something. It was the middle of the night and there she was sprawled out on the carpet and that beastly dog was sniffing around and eating fries off her back. Well, I brought it, but I was hoping if [...]

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More Uninspiring Four-Word Memoirs

December 7, 2012

Cottage Cheese For Lunch Masturbating With A Condom On The Brian Keith I Knew Nice Face, Okay Body Permanent Two Thirty PM No Balls, Two Strikes Recidivist’s Guide to Temporary Housing Eighth Grade Groin Pull Comparing Myself to Mom Raised by Sea World Manatees Don’t Touch My Trash! Runner-up: Voice of ALF Gratitude in Action: [...]

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Benefits Confessions: Open Enrollment Is My Coachella Main Stage

November 26, 2012

Between November 26th and December 7th, you can make numerous changes to your benefits elections, and I am your representative for all of those changes. In the next two weeks you can also spend two hours with me and buy me three whiskeys and I’ll probably have sex with you in public if you want.

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Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson

October 31, 2012

Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson, reminiscing about his first boyfriend. Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson, thinking about getting into competitive falconry. Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson, telling embarrassing stories on himself at dinner before anyone else can. Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson, slicing the inseam of his pants with his bayonet before battle. Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson, preferring clear [...]

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Unpacking “Jesse’s Girl” With My Eleven-Year-Old Son

October 23, 2012

ROMULUS (yes, I named the kid Romulus, okay? I thought it was a good, strong name. And I’d lost a couple of pints of blood and was stoned to the bejeebus belt on narcotic pain killers, and it was just me there, okay?): Is it wrong to be in love with your best friend’s girlfriend? [...]

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October 17, 2012

Honorable Mention

Aunt Wanda's Truss

The Dust-Ruffle

The Glory Hole

The O-Ring Blaster

Third Runner-Up

Human Mittens

Second Runner-Up

Horse Jizz

First Runner-Up

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October 16, 2012

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October 13, 2012

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October 9, 2012

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October 2, 2012

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September 27, 2012

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