From the category archives:

Absurdities

Inside “Scared Straight” Training

September 2, 2010

Okay, try again. You want to go to prison? Do you? You wanna get passed around from cell-block to cell-block like a box of Kleenex at a showing of Beaches? Right. Again, what you want to do is use references that will resonate with the youth, at the very least. Ideally, those references will bridge [...]

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Excerpt From A Cannibal Eulogy

September 1, 2010

Wally was a good man, a good and fat man whose jowls, I imagine, taste like some kind of salty-sweet bliss we’ll probably end up fighting over. He will be missed and savored.

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Five More Reasons Nana Likes Your Sister Best

August 31, 2010

Your sister has never, ever pointed out that the liver spots on the right side of Nana’s face resemble the Big Dipper. When Nana asks for a pint of gin and a pack of Newports, your sister doesn’t tell mom; she goes and gets the goddamned booze and cigarettes. You read Tuesdays With Morrie to [...]

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In Line at the Needle Exchange All-Staff Barbecue

August 29, 2010

Probably won’t eat all these ribs. Wanna share? Don’t be a jerk, Alonzo. What? I was serious.

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A Rose By Any Other Name…

August 28, 2010

…would not smell as sweet. If roses, for instance, were called muskrat feces or platypus dongs or say monkey balls, they wouldn’t smell sweet at all. In fact, if a rose were called any of those things, you probably wouldn’t put your nose anywhere near them. Observe: Your boyfriend: Here, I bought you a bouquet [...]

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A Groundhog Responds

August 26, 2010

Ladies- How kind, how generous, I found your clever little piece of some weeks ago. Hairy duffel bag, falling down a flight of stairs. Too, too cute. If it weren’t for the fact that your species eliminated all the animals that predated upon you, you might know the terror that strikes the heart when you [...]

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Aunt Carol Anne’s Bread and Butter Pickles

August 24, 2010

Begin with cucumbers that probably stayed on the vine too long, cucumbers that have begun to yellow and look swollen, phallic and diseased. Slice them into medallions that will never, ever be the right thickness or be close enough to the same size to homogeneously pickle. After imperfectly slicing approximately five pounds of cucumbers and [...]

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The Salvation Army Has Become A Bunch Of Dicks

August 23, 2010

To go from taking care of our boys over there and reminding us about blood and fire, which is obviously important To… getting excited about droughts? I don’t get it.

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A Small-Town Tornado Gets Too Big for Its Britches

August 22, 2010

It’s not that I’m embarrassed of where I came from; I just think I’m ready for the City. Like how many times can I knock down a barn, watch it get rebuilt, then knock it down again? It’s fish in a barrel out here. Nobody can afford steel, so everything falls like a house of [...]

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Sylvia’s Intervention Goes Awry

August 21, 2010

Sylvia, I know I haven’t always been there for you as a father, as a role-model, and I can’t say that your going to treatment is going to change any of that. I mean, if we’re going to be honest–Doctor? Honesty is best, Steven. And I’m not a doctor, actually. I’m a licensed counselor. Oh, [...]

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Tugboats.com Message Board: Introduce Yourself

August 20, 2010

Captain John Long Silver: Hello everyone. Just moved to Jacksonville to tug. Looking for some inexpensive Thai food. Ahab1967: There’s only one place for Thai food in Jacksonville, and that’s Basil at Jax Beach. Can’t miss it. What kind of tugging do you do? Captain John Long Silver: Mostly big ships. Ahab1967: I know that. [...]

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For The Love of God…

August 19, 2010

Please stop talking about how much you hate Farmville, or Fishville, or whatever it is that you think is polluting your Facebook newsfeed, and is thus polluting my newsfeed (with your status updates reading “I don’t care about the spotted ass ape you acquired in Farmville,” and bulletins of your joining groups with such witty [...]

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Strange Moment on a Whale Watching Boat Ride

August 18, 2010

LikeI said back at the docks, DO NOT stick your hand in the blow hole!

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Select Comments From My Toast On the Occasion of My Father’s Sixtieth Birthday

August 17, 2010

I mean, if you don’t get it right the first three times, who am I to suggest you give up? Meryl, Meredith, whatever your name is, I’m happy to have you as my most recent stepmom. I’m glad you like the oak tree, dad. I like to think that some day, long after you’re dead [...]

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Terrible Distractions for a Young Patient’s Tetanus Shot

August 15, 2010

Hey Charlie, how’s your father’s cancer? I don’t trust my children, Charlie. Do you know what’s in granola? It’s made from orphans, Charlie. Sorry if I seem a little shaky: it’s the Red Bulls. Margot! Why does it smell like some dog’s been licking his balls in here?! Have I ever told you about the [...]

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