From the category archives:

Absurdities

Tom Selleck Vs. His Mustache

February 3, 2012

INT. MAGNUM MANSION Tom Selleck puts on his jacket and is leaving to go film at Blue Bloods. He catches sight of himself in the mirror. And his glorious mustache. MUSTACHE Where are you going, Tom? SELLECK To work, Mustache. To my acting job. MUSTACHE Oh, that’s fine. I think I’ll just stay here [...]

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No, I Don’t Want Sweet Tea

February 2, 2012

Did I fucking say I wanted sweet tea? This is a Mexican food restaurant. Where do you even know from sweet tea? What? Is the whole goddamned world Macon, Georgia all the sudden? You know what the Beetus rate is among Americans? Does that lead you to suspect that what we as a culture [...]

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Itzak Perlman Finally Takes an Album Cover Shot Without His Fucking Violin

February 1, 2012

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Requiscat in Pace

January 31, 2012

Requiscat in Pace, Clara Peller. You were more than the “Where’s the beef?” lady, although the world was too ready to discount you as nothing more than that: a pop culture sound-bite, shuffled off to the rummage bin of history. No. You were a prophet crying out in the wilderness during the greed-mongering eighties. You [...]

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Reasons I Suspect I May Be In A Sitcom

January 27, 2012

It’s just this feeling that’s been creeping over me slowly. It’s something about the daily struggles of my family. They seem too canned. And they tie up so nicely. Here’s where my suspicions started: - my brother, Henry, who is almost comically competitive, is always finding ways to be better than me. It’s always something [...]

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Pete’s Embroidering Pitch to Sellman’s Slaughterhouse

January 25, 2012

Listen Orville, I’m not gonna sit here and blow smoke up yer ass. Either you want embroidered shirts or you don’t. If you don’t, then I’ll cut out early and make water somewheres else. But if you DO, then let’s us get down to it. Long-sleeve shirts, Orville, with your insignia right here, above [...]

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(Not, Not) Knocking on Heaven’s Door

January 21, 2012

Do you know how much I’m going to miss you? I’m going to miss you so bad. But don’t hang on just for me. I want you to be free. If you’re seeing the light, go towards it. Fly towards heaven on the angel’s wings. Squeeze my hand twice if you can hear me and [...]

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Reasons I’m Not Afraid of Sharks

January 20, 2012

1. I don’t know any sharks. 2. Ok, let’s say I was going to meet some. Like at a party I was invited to by some mutual aquatic life acquaintance . I couldn’t just stereotype them, could I? I should at least meet them, right? 3. So I’m at this party and my friend, Greg, [...]

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My Girlfriend Has This Thing

January 19, 2012

Where she feels like she has more fingers than she does. Usually it’s a supernumerary pinkie, but sometimes its a thumb. Sometimes, she feels like she has two ring fingers on each hand. Her imaginary supernumerary digits always mirror; that is, she never has like an extra imaginary pinkie on her right hand and an [...]

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On Court Banter At Sunny Valley Nudist Camp’s Sixth Annual Four-on-Four Basketball Tournament (1998)

January 18, 2012

Contributed by D. Huskins (Italy, TX) “SkinZ”? You couldn’t come up with anything better than “SkinZ”? You see those dudes warming up over there? The ones that look like a bunch of white, naked Harlem Globetrotters? They’re called “The Basket Free-Ballers” for chrissake. How are we supposed to compete with that? Wilt Chamberlain? Seriously? I [...]

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Things my Daddy Just Don’t Tolerate in Another Man, Especially my Boyfriends

January 14, 2012

Emoticons My daddy don’t have anything against the gays, but he’s got a whole lot against straight men using emoticons. Especially when communicating with another man. Especially when the two men are, for instance, my daddy and my new beau. Hemmed Jean Shorts Shorts on men, he says, unless you’re engaged in some kind of [...]

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Burning as a Kind of Placeholder

January 10, 2012

We struck matches under my bed, watched them ignite, stared at the yellowish flame consuming the wood in a slow but steady crawl towards our fingers. Then we blew them out. Stink of sulfur, stink of shriveled match-ember. That was the Juniper Street house. A year later, maybe, no more than that, dropping lit matches [...]

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I’m The Maxi Rodríguez Of This Goddamn Swimming Pool Supply Store

January 9, 2012

Listen. I’m not saying you’re not the Maxi Rodriguez of this swimming pool supply store. I guess I just don’t understand. What— Yes, you said that. Right. A soccer player. Right, a striker. For Argentina. And Liverpool, you said. Okay… so? I’m sorry. I am. I want to understand you. And I get that you [...]

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Things We Made Heinrich, the Swiss Foreign Exchange Student, Say Before We’d Let Him Party With Us

January 7, 2012

“It would be more accurate to say ‘The Swiss National Guard Knife’ or ‘The Swiss Army Reserve Knife.’” “There are holes in our cheese because we are stingy, and enjoy the idea of people paying for air.” “Our chocolate is anti-Semitic.” “We hold midnight screenings of Heidi and The Sound of Music and sing along [...]

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Last Night I Dreamt

January 5, 2012

…of being back in my hometown. Like I do every night. Except we all had kids, which most of us don’t. And those of us not here anymore were there. I was trying to help the dad of a high-school friend put in a foundation for the addition to his house. They were going to [...]

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