From the category archives:

Absurdities

The Large in the Small

April 5, 2012

Did you know there’s a place in your foot that if you press on it, you void your bowels? Instantly and forcibly? I did not know that. Did you discover this on accident, like while putting on your shoes, or… I was getting a foot massage. It’s called reflexology. All the different places on your [...]

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Things Ice Cube Still Hadn’t Learned to Do By the Early 90s

April 4, 2012

Play Dominoes without shouting Not put Kim’s ass to sleep

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Reality Hunger

April 3, 2012

I want to be an oceanographer when I grow up. That would have a lot more credence if you’d said it before we got through watching an episode of Blue Planet. Two hours ago, you wanted to be a therapist helping people with their hoarding problems or drug addictions. And yesterday, you wanted to make [...]

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Winging It

March 29, 2012

My brother, the moron. He gets jammed up–his wife’s at work and he’s got to do a thing–and asks me if I can babysit. Just for an hour, he says. Ninety minutes, tops. And at the instant he asks, it seems like a reasonable request. I cannot think of a single reason I can’t do [...]

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MC Hammer and His Manager Debate “2 Legit 2 Quit” Hand Gesturing

March 28, 2012

Hammer, I just think you’re putting too much emphasis on the gesturing and not enough on the dancing. To you it’s gesturing, to me it’s a philosophy. I’m giving people something to help with their self-esteem. But, it sounds like you’re saying that you, Hammer, are too legit to quit, not them. If I [...]

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Why Won’t A&E Return My Email?

March 25, 2012

I am not a licensed masseuse. But I’ve got hands of gold. That’s the first thing I suggested to the folks at A&E: Hands of Gold, Amateur Masseuse. So many ways to spin it. For instance, a reality program where they follow me as I offer massages to random people at the food court in [...]

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Pickup Lines to Use at the County Fair

March 23, 2012

“Dang, girl. My outside feels like a fried outer coating but my heart feels like a Snickers. Melting.” “Dang, girl. Your clothes look like three jungle cats got in a fight and your body was the winner.” “Dang, girl. Those legs look like they were dipped in denim batter.” “Dang, girl. You ever get freaked [...]

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More Shaman Trash Talk

March 22, 2012

What’s that? You don’t think women can be shamans? How about I turn your dick into a mouse turd, and then we’ll talk about whether women can be shamans. Your medicine is weak sauce. Go sell it to the whites. Those dumb sons of bitches will buy anything. If my spirit bag was as droopy [...]

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Guesses at W. B. Yeats’s Initials by First Graders at a Birthday Party

March 21, 2012

Wet Butt! [laughter] Willy Boob! [laughter] Willy Boobies! [laughter] Walter Benjamin [silence] WET BUTT!! [intense laughter] White Boy [faint laughter] Wrestler Bob [mild laughter] Wet Blanket [silence]…from pee! [laughter] Wild Butt [laughter] White Butt [laughter] Wet BITCHES! [terror-filled silence] Washington Baines [awkward laughter] William BALLS!! [hard laughter lasting several minutes]

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Things I Said in Yoga That Revealed I’d Never Done This Before

March 16, 2012

“Who’s this lady? Is she Head Yogi? Yogi Berra? Where are you going?” “Get a what? Who is Matt? ” “Boss Lady really likes this dog position, huh? Geez. Go back to Yoga school and learn some new moves, am I right?” “I think my shirt is too short for this stuff. Please, don’t look [...]

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Things I’ve Said That Have Torpedoed My First Dates

March 9, 2012

“Yes. I always keep a spare of Papa John’s Garlic Dipping Sauce in my pocket. No, I don’t have another one.” “I was a stand-up comic back in the 90’s. Do you want to hear some of my OJ Simpson routine?” “Don’t you think these asparagus tips in these mashed potato mounds look like [...]

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I am the Roger Federer of DIY Home Renovation (Per David Foster Wallace’s Essay)

March 8, 2012

People ask me what it’s like to be so quick with home renovations. “Man,” they say, “It’s got to be like living in a montage. In the length of time it takes to listen to an inspirational Frank Stallone song, you’ve like gotten all the furniture out of the house, everything stripped down and repainted, [...]

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An Arrogant Gatherer Confronts An Emasculated Hunter

March 7, 2012

Nobody wants your damn jackal. I guess there is more to gathering than just, what was it you said, “picking berries”? No, you’re right. You do deserve these grubs. You knew where to find them. Oh wait, that was me. Well maybe if you spent more time actually hunting than making darts, you’d have something [...]

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