From the category archives:

Absurdities

Things We Made Heinrich, the Swiss Foreign Exchange Student, Say Before We’d Let Him Party With Us

January 7, 2012

“It would be more accurate to say ‘The Swiss National Guard Knife’ or ‘The Swiss Army Reserve Knife.’” “There are holes in our cheese because we are stingy, and enjoy the idea of people paying for air.” “Our chocolate is anti-Semitic.” “We hold midnight screenings of Heidi and The Sound of Music and sing along [...]

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Last Night I Dreamt

January 5, 2012

…of being back in my hometown. Like I do every night. Except we all had kids, which most of us don’t. And those of us not here anymore were there. I was trying to help the dad of a high-school friend put in a foundation for the addition to his house. They were going to [...]

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Defending James Franco, Fiction Writer

January 4, 2012

Maybe you should just shut your mouth until you’ve read Palo Alto. That’s his book of short stories you asshole. Oh, he got it published because he’s an actor? Then why is the Paris Review not full of Jack Nicholson and Venessa Redgrave and John and Joan Cusack stories? Because most artists can only be great [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews the Terra Cotta Army

January 3, 2012

The Murky Fringe: Hey Terra Cotta Army. Howzit? And just, like, for a bit of housekeeping, do you prefer Terra Cotta hyphenated, or one word, or two words, or what? Terra Cotta Army: TMF: So, guys… you’re all guys, right? Except maybe the horses? Are some of the horses mares? I’ve only seen you from [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Defecated-Upon Cop Car From the OWS Protest

December 29, 2011

The Murky Fringe: So, is it safe to say… Shat-Upon NYPD Cruiser: Low point of my career? Absolutely. TMF: We’re so sorry for you. SUNYPDC: It wasn’t you who dropped trou and defecated on me. TMF: What’s it like to be used as a toilet? SUNYPDC: That’s not the part that bugs me. Whatever for [...]

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The Diving Board That Knocked Out Greg Louganis

December 28, 2011

Was I trying to hurt him? No. Did I think he was getting a little too big for his britches? Yes. Who didn’t. Do I feel bad about it now after all these years? I don’t. Have I been the same? No. No I haven’t. I don’t bounce like I used to. Would I [...]

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A Very Murky Christmas

December 24, 2011

Ebeneezer Scrooge (Played by Gilbert Gottfried): (throwing open window, post-epiphany) You! boy! What day is this? Street Boy #3 (Played by Ice Cube): Yo, who the fuck you calling boy? Ghost of Christmas Past (Played by my Grandpa Nathan): Weinsteins! Weinsteins for all! Wishing you all a most slant-masted Barry Gibb! What bjorn is chilled [...]

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My Pet Albino Raccoon, Sylvester

December 22, 2011

Sylvester, sitting in the living room, watching old Sally Jesse Raphael episodes on VHS. Sylvester, dragging his balls through the Jello salad. Sylvester, running up like eight hundred bucks in phone sex charges. Sylvester, smoking up all my weed while I’m at work. Sylvester, prank-calling my ex-girlfriends. Sylvester, drinking too much and refusing to take [...]

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My Grandfather’s Deathbed Confession (An Unedited Transcript)

December 20, 2011

Rainy boots and my last two fishing lures? Haversack. Wigwam. Jump-start the hide-a-bed. Jersey Shore my Alice Munro Wall clock. Hasselhoff in Dusseldorf. Black smoke sunshine. Ain’t no beauty pageant for groundhogs, gophers, or rain gauges. Pray for me Mary Kate. No habla Malt-o-Meal in Caracas. Dowsing El Camino. Don’t shak-o my Baco’s, and never [...]

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About That Blow Job I Gave You In Back Of The Chevron Extra Mile on Geary Boulevard

December 19, 2011

All my friends said you wouldn’t call, and I knew that they were right, but I wanted to believe that you would at least make eye contact next time I charged you for gas and a gallon of milk. I didn’t charge you the forty-cent debit fee that first night, and I didn’t charge you [...]

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Death of a Barbershop Quartet

December 17, 2011

The death of one means the death of all, because there’s no such thing as a barbershop trio.

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Word Association with Omar’s Scar

December 16, 2011

The Murky Fringe: Red Omar’s Scar: Riding Hood TMF: Shotgun OS: Omar TMF: Caddyshack OS: ??????? TMF: Cultural Agency OS: Pedagogy TMF: Sickle OS: Cell TMF: Production OS: Control TMF: The Game OS: Superbowl TMF: Scar OS: Lion King TMF: Face Scar OS: Scarface TMF: Disfigurement OS: Elephant Man TMF: Different OS: Strokes TMF: [...]

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At the Shrink’s Office #147

December 13, 2011

Shrink: Asks after my wellbeing since last we met. Me: A bland rejoinder followed by a similar query. [Awkward Silence] Shrink: Opening Probe. Me: [Lengthy Pause]: Response that only somewhat answers, then meanders off. Shrink: Notes that this gambit is in keeping. Me: Petulant retort wherein I mention how much I pay him to ask [...]

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Gabriel, Richard Gere’s Dead Gerbil

December 11, 2011

What surprised me most–and it was all a surprise–was the duct tape. It was a claustrophobic nightmare to say the least. I’m no prude, but there was no safety mechanism. One minute I’m running in that wheel, the next I’m suffocating. You don’t have time to think of the life you haven’t lived. You’re too [...]

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Time Out to Talk Cultural Misappropriation

December 10, 2011

Just don’t. And when others do, say something. Hi. Academy Award Winner and current star of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman Philip Seymour Hoffman here to talk about taking things that don’t belong to you. We’ve all done it. You go to Mexico or Argentina, or maybe Chile, and you come back pronouncing those [...]

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