From the category archives:

Absurdities

More of Grandpa Phil’s Prejudices and Stereotypes

February 28, 2012

Males nurses don’t wash their hands as often as regular nurses. You can just tell. I don’t like to have gas station attendants look me in the eye. It feels like they’re challenging me. I’m not saying there isn’t a woman out there who couldn’t, but I’ve never met a women who could dress out [...]

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Why I Hate THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE and Everyone in This CERN LABORATORY

February 24, 2012

(Because I was informed that picking on Freebird and Bar Dwellers was too easy and kind of like ‘picking on a retarded kid’, I have rewritten my previous post.) Oh, I’m sorry. Did my hand accidentally unplug your jukebox PARTICLE ACCELERATOR? Man, I’m really sorry. We were just getting to the droning end of [...]

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Don’t Call it a Toy

February 23, 2012

It’s not a toy. It’s not even an “action figure” as you understand them. Your Star Wars action figure, it’s got–what–eight points of articulation? Thirty. That’s right. This bad mofo has thirty points of articulation. You couldn’t even handle that much articulation. You wouldn’t know what to do with it. So no. It’s not a [...]

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What to Say When Your Son Is Obsessed with Pangea

February 22, 2012

Son, can you put down that globe and come see me for a second. Thanks, I know it’s not as as interesting as when all the continents were connected. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Yes, Pangea. I think it’s great that you’re so excited about it, but…well it’s just, maybe [...]

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Why I Hate Freebird and Everyone in This Bar

February 17, 2012

Oh, I’m sorry. Did my hand accidentally unplug your jukebox? Man, I’m really sorry. We were just getting to the droning end of Freebird and I really wanted to hear all of you sing it with a big finish. I especially wanted to watch Fat Accountant play more air guitar for the thousand minute [...]

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I’m the Richard Pryor of This Here Cult

February 15, 2012

Some scary shit up in here. Right?! Leader says, “Stockpile the guns. The end is coming.” The end is coming? Finally living rent free and the end is coming. But y’all know know what I’m talking about. The Leader’s all sleeping with our wives and daughters. Babies everywhere. All we got is porridge. What [...]

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Ask a Doctor

February 14, 2012

Dear Doctor- I’ve been having stabbing pains in my lower back when I urinate for the last few weeks. Now, my pee smells weird. Like over-microwaved corned beef hash. Should I be concerned? Afraid to Die in Albany Dear Afraid- It’s the second question people ask at parties. The first question is “what do [...]

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Superbowl Ads I Thought I Saw But Were Apparently Fever Dreams

February 10, 2012

CHEVY: A Chevy truck is perched atop a mountain. Its four wheel drive and amazing traction keep it steady on the icy terrain. We see some sweeping shots. This truck has the grace of a hawk and the majesty of the goat. There is a close up on the left headlight. Did it blink? Suddenly, [...]

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Sarcastic Answers to Rhetorical Questions Through a Closed Door: 1985

February 9, 2012

Yes, I am still in here. Perhaps I will use all the hot water. It’s still a little early to tell. Yes, I am planning on staying in here all day. No, I was not aware that other people might need to use the bathroom. No, I was not aware that there was only one [...]

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Lou Diamond Phillips Cast As First Filipino Porgy in Gershwin’s “Porgy and Bess”

February 8, 2012

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… I Started A Silk Company In China

February 6, 2012

Another in our “Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If…” series: “Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… I Started A Silk Company In China” Keeping up with my On Demand shows Blogging about Tiananmen Square Donating $5 every couple years to cancer foundations and feeling really good Paying as much attention to [...]

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Tom Selleck Vs. His Mustache

February 3, 2012

INT. MAGNUM MANSION Tom Selleck puts on his jacket and is leaving to go film at Blue Bloods. He catches sight of himself in the mirror. And his glorious mustache. MUSTACHE Where are you going, Tom? SELLECK To work, Mustache. To my acting job. MUSTACHE Oh, that’s fine. I think I’ll just stay here [...]

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No, I Don’t Want Sweet Tea

February 2, 2012

Did I fucking say I wanted sweet tea? This is a Mexican food restaurant. Where do you even know from sweet tea? What? Is the whole goddamned world Macon, Georgia all the sudden? You know what the Beetus rate is among Americans? Does that lead you to suspect that what we as a culture [...]

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Itzak Perlman Finally Takes an Album Cover Shot Without His Fucking Violin

February 1, 2012

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Requiscat in Pace

January 31, 2012

Requiscat in Pace, Clara Peller. You were more than the “Where’s the beef?” lady, although the world was too ready to discount you as nothing more than that: a pop culture sound-bite, shuffled off to the rummage bin of history. No. You were a prophet crying out in the wilderness during the greed-mongering eighties. You [...]

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