From the category archives:

Advice Columns

Rejected Names For Your Craigslist ‘Men Seeking Women’ Post

April 30, 2012

The panel has reviewed your submissions in search of romance. The following post titles have been rejected: – A Roaster of Beets, A Gardener of Tomatoes, A Planter of Asparagus: I Seek Decent Landscaper to Water My Heart and Occasionally My Backyard – I Don’t Need A Companion As Much As I Did Last Winter [...]

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Open Letter To The Bitch That Denied My Article Submission on CircleOfMoms.com

March 26, 2012

Hey bitch, Let me tell you something. If I want to talk about diaper rash or infant fever, I’m gonna do exactly that. And I know you and your other bitch blogger moms think you know what’s important to every mom in the whole blasted universe, and I’m sure that you all walk around trying [...]

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Ask a Doctor

February 14, 2012

Dear Doctor- I’ve been having stabbing pains in my lower back when I urinate for the last few weeks. Now, my pee smells weird. Like over-microwaved corned beef hash. Should I be concerned? Afraid to Die in Albany Dear Afraid- It’s the second question people ask at parties. The first question is “what do [...]

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Child Rearing With Dr. Nathan

November 1, 2011

Talking Your Child Down: Age Five A lot of so-called Early Childhood Development “Experts” will tell you that tantrums are a natural part of being five. Those same experts will tell you that your kid having an embarrassing wall-eyed melt-down in the cereal aisle of your local grocery–where any of your friends, neighbors, [...]

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Ask Exhibition Basketball Great Meadowlark Lemon

October 13, 2011

Dear Meadowlark- My boyfriend and I recently got engaged, and I love him very much. Recently, he brought up the notion of us opening our bedroom to strangers we meet on the internet. He says that as long as we do it now, before we’re married, it isn’t wrong and couldn’t possibly have any [...]

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Advice From Josh, Your Spirit Guide Animal

April 9, 2011

One of the most overlooked areas of the body when washing is between the toes. This goes also for when you’re drying off. Athlete’s foot doesn’t ever take a holiday. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the store brand and the name brand, most of the time. But when it comes to deodorant, [...]

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Ask A Home Depot Employee

March 8, 2011

Dear Home Depot Employee, Recently my toddler came home from preschool with some words that he certainly didn’t learn at home. They are not nice words. They are words like “shit-ass” and “skunk-fucker.” I think I know who the culprit is, the son of Lynn, the trashy bottle blond who works the graveyard shift at [...]

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Ways Not To End A Relationship

February 3, 2011

“I figured we’d break up sooner or later, and your friend’s cute and available right now.” “You know how much I’ve wanted to study woolly mammoths, right? Well, some scientists said I could come along on a woolly mammoth excavation thingie, but only if I wasn’t seeing anyone, because we’re going to be in the [...]

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Ask A Strip Club DJ

January 29, 2011

Dear Strip Club DJ: I can’t get my daughter to eat anything but hot dogs and french fries. Any suggestions on how I might broaden (and healthify, if that’s a word) her palate? Concerned in Catalina Dear Concerned: I like to start off the evening’s set simple. Straight-forward. Some AC/DC, some early Motley Crue. Around [...]

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Ask an Abusive Beekeeper

November 16, 2009

I’m sure you get this all the time, but my honey doesn’t taste right lately. Is that my fault or the bees? –Aftertaste in Ohio Yes, I’ve had this question before. About 47,000 times. But you’d know this if you actually read the column. If you say, I know you get this all the time, [...]

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