From the category archives:

Contributed

Superhero Penis Envy

April 1, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL MCDERMOTT (Boston,MA) “I say Spiderman. It’s gotta be Spiderman.” “Spidy? No way. What makes you say that?” “Are you kidding me? Have you seen the bulge on that nimble little bastard?” “What bulge?” “Whadda you mean, what bulge? His suit is like one millimeter thick; just look at him.” “That’s not a [...]

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Vera and Rachel

March 26, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY AMY HANSON (Connecticut) Vera rarely said anything true. “How are you?” “Delightful, thanks.” Vera owed her therapist seventy dollars, had an empty gas tank and her next paycheck wasn’t coming for two weeks. The previous night, she saw her ex girlfriend holding hands with a voluptuous brunette at her favorite used bookstore. “Glad [...]

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Tips for Scalpers

March 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MICHAEL ZUNENSHINE (Montreal, Canada) Rechargeable electric knives (save money on batteries). Carry crazy glue and wigs to scalp bald guys. Wear fur coats to easily conceal your spoils when riding home on the subway. Learn various Mexican and Native American dialects to haggle for the best freelance price per scalp (never go under [...]

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Finding Out About My Grandmother’s Death While in Basic Training

March 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) At ease, Private. (assuming parade rest) Yes, Drill Sergeant. Private, I’m afraid I’ve got some very sad news for you. Drill Sergeant, you aren’t sending me home because I’m patently unfit for military service, and it’s stunningly obvious to everyone here that I’ve made a life-destroying mistake, Drill Sergeant? [...]

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A Review of Every Pizzeria in New Jersey Actually Worth a Damn

March 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY EIRIK GUMENY (New Jersey) At first glance, the pizzeria isn’t anything special. At second glance, it’s still not. It’s a tiny little space in the middle of a strip mall, next to that Korean nail place your sister goes to. The neon in the window advertises PIZ A, HEROS, and CALZONES. The specials [...]

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Omnivore

February 25, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY YT SUMNER (Melbourne, Australia) The only thing I don’t like about the Aquarium is the smell. It stinks. Not so bad as working in a butchers, which I did once for work experience. I lasted the whole week but I never ate red meat again. People get pissed off when I eat fish [...]

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Submission Guidelines (Revised)

February 18, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY DANIEL McDERMOTT (Boston, MA) Attention Writers: Read all submission guidelines before submitting your work. You’ll know you’ve accomplished this when you reach the bottom of the page and there are no more words to read. If you reach what you think is the bottom of the page and feel stuck in mid-sentence, scroll down and [...]

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Insect Parade

February 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY SONA AVAKIAN (San Francisco, CA) Herb barely looked at me when we ran into him today at the grocery store. He’s uncomfortable my wife Marie keeps telling me. Oh, he’s uncomfortable. I was lurching from the celery and carrots to the mixed nuts bin. He’s symmetrical. But he’s uncomfortable. Plus Marie has to [...]

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An Open Letter from the Family Dog Upon the Occasion of the Birth of Our Daughters

February 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cleveland, OH) People— Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scooter, and I used to matter. In fact, I used to be kind of a big thing around here. Nights, I’d curl up in Mother’s lap, maybe get a scratch behind the ears. When I was a good boy, I [...]

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Block-Fest: When Family Facebooks

January 28, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY CYNTHIA HAWKINS (San Antonio, TX) First of all, let me just say it had been nice to be your friend before the unfriending-slash-blocking. Before, I never knew that you were interested in networking or that you watched Biggest Loser or that you were “all that and a bag of chips” or that you [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary

January 21, 2010

This is our first in a series of “Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… ” CONTRIBUTED BY JUSTIN McBRIDE (San Francisco, CA) Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary Signing up for online payments Dealing with these kidney stones Donating money to the worldwide family of Jesus, my [...]

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The MF Interviews Claude Oscar Monet

January 14, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY LAURA ROBB (Hartsdale, NY) The Murky Fringe: You were a painter, but you developed cataracts. Isn’t that poetic irony? Claude Monet: I’m not sure. Is there even such a thing as poetic irony? MF: Touche. Let’s talk names. Your other given name is Oscar. It would be cliche to ask if you’re an [...]

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Teenage Mexican Girl With Nail Gun

January 7, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MATT RIORDAN (New York) Jack was in the middle of what would later become known as his Mexico period. He was smoking bales of the local skunk and reading all this crap about land reform and native spiritualism and lots of Chomsky. Grocery lists by Chomsky. He went down there after he got [...]

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Barbara at 12

December 31, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY PETER ORNER (San Francisco, CA) Detroit, 1946 It’s said Grandpa Leo got deranged a few years after FDR died. They had to put him in the Home for the Jewish Aged on Petoskey Avenue. He despised the place with a wrath he’d never shown towards anything else in his life. Once or twice [...]

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Pat on the Butt

December 10, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY DAVID DRISCOLL (Chicago, IL) Hector Burrito lost his temper and had an embolism so severe it busted through the doughy flesh of his La Preferida epidermis, spilling the beans. Everybody knew he was populated with microbials—La Enchilada Loco was always getting shut down for health code violations—but no one could have predicted that [...]

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