From the category archives:

Contributed

Insect Parade

February 11, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY SONA AVAKIAN (San Francisco, CA) Herb barely looked at me when we ran into him today at the grocery store. He’s uncomfortable my wife Marie keeps telling me. Oh, he’s uncomfortable. I was lurching from the celery and carrots to the mixed nuts bin. He’s symmetrical. But he’s uncomfortable. Plus Marie has to [...]

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An Open Letter from the Family Dog Upon the Occasion of the Birth of Our Daughters

February 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cleveland, OH) People— Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scooter, and I used to matter. In fact, I used to be kind of a big thing around here. Nights, I’d curl up in Mother’s lap, maybe get a scratch behind the ears. When I was a good boy, I [...]

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Block-Fest: When Family Facebooks

January 28, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY CYNTHIA HAWKINS (San Antonio, TX) First of all, let me just say it had been nice to be your friend before the unfriending-slash-blocking. Before, I never knew that you were interested in networking or that you watched Biggest Loser or that you were “all that and a bag of chips” or that you [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary

January 21, 2010

This is our first in a series of “Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… ” CONTRIBUTED BY JUSTIN McBRIDE (San Francisco, CA) Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary Signing up for online payments Dealing with these kidney stones Donating money to the worldwide family of Jesus, my [...]

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The MF Interviews Claude Oscar Monet

January 14, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY LAURA ROBB (Hartsdale, NY) The Murky Fringe: You were a painter, but you developed cataracts. Isn’t that poetic irony? Claude Monet: I’m not sure. Is there even such a thing as poetic irony? MF: Touche. Let’s talk names. Your other given name is Oscar. It would be cliche to ask if you’re an [...]

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Teenage Mexican Girl With Nail Gun

January 7, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY MATT RIORDAN (New York) Jack was in the middle of what would later become known as his Mexico period. He was smoking bales of the local skunk and reading all this crap about land reform and native spiritualism and lots of Chomsky. Grocery lists by Chomsky. He went down there after he got [...]

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Barbara at 12

December 31, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY PETER ORNER (San Francisco, CA) Detroit, 1946 It’s said Grandpa Leo got deranged a few years after FDR died. They had to put him in the Home for the Jewish Aged on Petoskey Avenue. He despised the place with a wrath he’d never shown towards anything else in his life. Once or twice [...]

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Pat on the Butt

December 10, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY DAVID DRISCOLL (Chicago, IL) Hector Burrito lost his temper and had an embolism so severe it busted through the doughy flesh of his La Preferida epidermis, spilling the beans. Everybody knew he was populated with microbials—La Enchilada Loco was always getting shut down for health code violations—but no one could have predicted that [...]

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My Year as a Freelance Bicyclist

December 3, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JUSTIN McBRIDE (San Francisco, CA) “A Guide to Surviving Old Dirty Sal” The following is intended as a guide to surviving old dirty sal. It is not exhaustive, but the advice that it provides is likely applicable to a broad range of scenarios. The bullet points signify a break in the story where [...]

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Me and Hugo Chavez Contest Results

November 26, 2009

WINNER PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) It started when President-Probably-For-Life Chavez stole my cab in New York City the day before Thanksgiving. I mean, we made eye contact. He knew what he was doing. You can’t just nationalize a cab, I remember thinking. And maybe the God that likes democracy was smiling just a little on [...]

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Me and Hugo Chavez Contest Finalists

November 23, 2009

P.R. Griffis (Austin, TX) Justin McBride (San Francisco, CA) Mike Blank (Twin Cities, MN) Thank you to everyone who submitted. The winner will be announced Thursday, November 26th. The hoody mailed shortly thereafter. TAKE THAT “Me and Raul Castro Contest!”

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Wanted: Young Person with Initiative and Good People Skills

November 19, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY STEPHEN BROOKS (Athens, GA) Simple economics—that’s what it comes down to. If anybody’s familiar with the Doc Holliday beverage, with the tag-lines “Have a Real Blast” and “Double Barrels of Flavor,” which comes in a purplish-pink can that depicts a silvery, ghostly image of Doc Holliday and a shotgun, then you’re in luck. [...]

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Ten Tips for the Discrete Playing With of One’s Balls in Public: A Guide for the Male Novice

November 12, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cincinnati, OH) 1. Eyes Off the Prize: Once ball-play has commenced, you will be tempted, periodically, to check your progress. Do not do this! Even a glance signals an awareness of one’s actions. In the event that you are caught, it is preferable that you be able to look down in [...]

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A German Castle-Covered Postcard Written to Father-in-Law (Mine) Upon Return from Honeymoon in Europe

November 5, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY KARA WAITE (Somerville, MA) On the flight from Berlin to Prague, I had the aisle seat.Bored with my magazine, I convinced Nate to meet me in the first-class bathroom. After we’d finished, I went out first and climbed into his seat. I pressed my face against the cool, thickly glassed window and thought [...]

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Niche Market Energy Drinks

October 29, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JOSHUA FOSTER (Rigby, ID) Man Milk (cowboys, bovine industry participants) 43 Hour Energy (cougars) En-Jamb (slam poets) MEGA WOWEE YEHAA! (non-English speaking minorities) Methampheta-Mile (long-haul truckers) Needlez (quilters, crafty types) Yonkers (New Yorkers, pornographers)

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