From the category archives:

Contributed

My Year as a Freelance Bicyclist

December 3, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JUSTIN McBRIDE (San Francisco, CA) “A Guide to Surviving Old Dirty Sal” The following is intended as a guide to surviving old dirty sal. It is not exhaustive, but the advice that it provides is likely applicable to a broad range of scenarios. The bullet points signify a break in the story where [...]

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Me and Hugo Chavez Contest Results

November 26, 2009

WINNER PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) It started when President-Probably-For-Life Chavez stole my cab in New York City the day before Thanksgiving. I mean, we made eye contact. He knew what he was doing. You can’t just nationalize a cab, I remember thinking. And maybe the God that likes democracy was smiling just a little on [...]

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Me and Hugo Chavez Contest Finalists

November 23, 2009

P.R. Griffis (Austin, TX) Justin McBride (San Francisco, CA) Mike Blank (Twin Cities, MN) Thank you to everyone who submitted. The winner will be announced Thursday, November 26th. The hoody mailed shortly thereafter. TAKE THAT “Me and Raul Castro Contest!”

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Wanted: Young Person with Initiative and Good People Skills

November 19, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY STEPHEN BROOKS (Athens, GA) Simple economics—that’s what it comes down to. If anybody’s familiar with the Doc Holliday beverage, with the tag-lines “Have a Real Blast” and “Double Barrels of Flavor,” which comes in a purplish-pink can that depicts a silvery, ghostly image of Doc Holliday and a shotgun, then you’re in luck. [...]

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Ten Tips for the Discrete Playing With of One’s Balls in Public: A Guide for the Male Novice

November 12, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cincinnati, OH) 1. Eyes Off the Prize: Once ball-play has commenced, you will be tempted, periodically, to check your progress. Do not do this! Even a glance signals an awareness of one’s actions. In the event that you are caught, it is preferable that you be able to look down in [...]

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A German Castle-Covered Postcard Written to Father-in-Law (Mine) Upon Return from Honeymoon in Europe

November 5, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY KARA WAITE (Somerville, MA) On the flight from Berlin to Prague, I had the aisle seat.Bored with my magazine, I convinced Nate to meet me in the first-class bathroom. After we’d finished, I went out first and climbed into his seat. I pressed my face against the cool, thickly glassed window and thought [...]

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Niche Market Energy Drinks

October 29, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JOSHUA FOSTER (Rigby, ID) Man Milk (cowboys, bovine industry participants) 43 Hour Energy (cougars) En-Jamb (slam poets) MEGA WOWEE YEHAA! (non-English speaking minorities) Methampheta-Mile (long-haul truckers) Needlez (quilters, crafty types) Yonkers (New Yorkers, pornographers)

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My Dinner with Jack Kerouac

October 22, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) Ryan’s Steakhouse, Sandusky, OH Upon Entering After he fills his flask in the car, then pulls his pockets inside out at the register and asks the vaguely terrified sixteen-year-old cashier if she’d like to see an elephant (which I take as a sign that I am to pay for [...]

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Overwrought Endings: Naked Villainy

October 15, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY MAX LIEBERMAN (Tucson, AZ) The gun flashed into her hand like a knife—only this knife shot bullets, significantly increasing its effective range as a weapon. She was too far away for me to karate chop her wrist, and anyway that’s a trick that only works once. I knew my chances were slim… slim [...]

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