From the category archives:

Family

Spitting Out The Butt-ends of my Days and Ways: Explaining Tattoos to my Eight-year-old

January 24, 2012

Well, so Depeche Mode was this really great band–they may still be a band, for all I know. And Daddy was eighteen years old. This image right here comes from the cover of their album Violator. The reason you’ve never heard them is that Daddy doesn’t really listen to them anymore. Because people change. That’s [...]

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I Quit Going to Dinner With my Dad

January 17, 2012

It wasn’t that he snapped at the waitstaff. Although I’m sure they adulterated our food for that. It was his “little joke” of licking the credit card before handing it to the waitress. It was gross, yes. But mostly it was unsettling.

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Things my Daddy Just Don’t Tolerate in Another Man, Especially my Boyfriends

January 14, 2012

Emoticons My daddy don’t have anything against the gays, but he’s got a whole lot against straight men using emoticons. Especially when communicating with another man. Especially when the two men are, for instance, my daddy and my new beau. Hemmed Jean Shorts Shorts on men, he says, unless you’re engaged in some kind of [...]

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Last Night I Dreamt…

December 31, 2011

Of my father. Like I do every night. Except instead of trying to instill wisdom into me by way of automotive maintenance, he was part of a group of middle aged men, who came out onto a darkened stage one at a time and extolled the virtues (and comedic mishaps) of relaxed fit stonewashed denim [...]

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My Grandfather’s Deathbed Confession (An Unedited Transcript)

December 20, 2011

Rainy boots and my last two fishing lures? Haversack. Wigwam. Jump-start the hide-a-bed. Jersey Shore my Alice Munro Wall clock. Hasselhoff in Dusseldorf. Black smoke sunshine. Ain’t no beauty pageant for groundhogs, gophers, or rain gauges. Pray for me Mary Kate. No habla Malt-o-Meal in Caracas. Dowsing El Camino. Don’t shak-o my Baco’s, and never [...]

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Shit I’ve had to Set My Sister Debra Straight On

December 6, 2011

There is no actual unit of measure called “A Teensy-Weensy Bit.” Especially when you’re talking about how high and/or drunk you are when picking up my niece and nephew from elementary school. Yes, even on Thursday or Friday. Yes, even if you’re really careful. Yes, even if you do it because you know traffic’s going [...]

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Professor Dan Deever, MFA (Fiction) Iowa ’83: Drying Out

December 1, 2011

No ma’am. I do not want another iced tea. I want more iced tea. Yes, there is a difference. Cassie, please. I’m having a conversation with–Melanie, is it?–with Melanie here. Just semantics? Just? The world lives and dies by linguistic interpretation. Just semantics is an oxymoron. The difference? Well, when you pay money for the [...]

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The Family That Preys Together, Stays Together

November 28, 2011

Dad, do prairie dogs go to heaven? No, and neither do terrorists, Nathan. Goddamnit, go get your brother and send him over here. You can hunt with your mother. But dad I jus— Now.

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Thankgiving Haiku*, Nathan Rogers (Age 9)

November 24, 2011

Paw-Paw Screams “Pants Broke!” Uncles Burning J’s, Skynrd Sneaking Beers is Cool _________________________ Mom and Dad Hate-Smile Burned Pumpkin Pie, O’er-Fried Bird Wish They’d Get Divorced _________________________ Televised Football Too High on Turkey to Care Like Tao: Win, Lose: Same _________________________ *Haiku, Plural of Self? Surely Not Stem-Change Like “Mice” Google Would Tell Me

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A Frank Discussion With Your Teenage Son

November 15, 2011

Hey pal, can we talk for a minute? No, you’re not in any trouble. Yes, I’m sure. Just, I was walking by your room earlier and I heard something that made me think we should chat, man-to-man. Well, that’s the phrase for it. I know I’m your mom. But until your dad decides to come [...]

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In the Shade of Evening

November 8, 2011

Every time I go to see her, I’m someone else. This is by her choosing. “Which one are you?” she says. “Which one would you like me to be?” She squints, considering. “I don’t think I have a use for a husband today,” she says. “And I got boyfriends aplenty. How ’bout you be my [...]

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Professor Dan Deever, MFA (Fiction) Iowa ’83, III

November 3, 2011

No, Cassie. Absolutely not. I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing. That was not sarcasm. Okay. It was a little sarcasm. But only about twenty percent. Which is pretty much where I am all the time, in fairness. Just, well, this: Isn’t Portland already occupied? I applaud your efforts, you and your cohorts, just… [...]

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Child Rearing With Dr. Nathan

November 1, 2011

Talking Your Child Down: Age Five A lot of so-called Early Childhood Development “Experts” will tell you that tantrums are a natural part of being five. Those same experts will tell you that your kid having an embarrassing wall-eyed melt-down in the cereal aisle of your local grocery–where any of your friends, neighbors, [...]

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Potshots at Culturally Vogue Phrases #37: “Meeting” Your Baby

October 29, 2011

We get it. You can’t wait until your baby quits feeding on you from the inside and instead becomes a completely dependent mass (with fully functioning lungs!) outside of you. And yes. We understand that you’re hoping one day that your kid will look something like you, maybe say or do interesting things, take care [...]

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Sincere Questions I Had For Esther, The Teacher Of My Godparent Preparation Class

October 24, 2011

Hi, I have a question back here. Sorry. Two slides ago, it said that Jesus and the child do what? Was it become one forever? It was? Okay, thanks! I’m terrible watching the screen and taking notes. When you say the flowing water represents the love of Jesus washing over my Godson, I find myself [...]

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