From the category archives:

Famous People

Time Out to Talk Cultural Misappropriation

December 10, 2011

Just don’t. And when others do, say something. Hi. Academy Award Winner and current star of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman Philip Seymour Hoffman here to talk about taking things that don’t belong to you. We’ve all done it. You go to Mexico or Argentina, or maybe Chile, and you come back pronouncing those [...]

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Talking Janet Jackson Through Her Rolling Stone Photo Shoot (1993)

December 3, 2011

Could we get a different pair of jeans in here? Could we try it with… What if she wore the hand model’s jeans? What size are you, guy? Christ. We need another hand model. Those are some… not to be rude, but those are pancake nipples for real, Janet. Get somebody with bigger hands. I [...]

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Last Night I Dreamt…

November 29, 2011

Of strippers. Like I do every night. I dreamt of strippers stripping to Bartok, Beethoven and Brahams. I dreamt of strippers lapdancing to John Cage’s 4’33, and but the DJ cutting it off at 3’30 and the patrons getting pissed. I dreamt of strippers pole dancing to the Alvin and The Chipmunks Christmas album of [...]

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Thornton Wilder Breaks His Silence on Our Town

November 22, 2011

Am I proud of Our Town? I am, from the standpoint of successfully capturing the transitory nature of existence. Grover’s Corner is the world. Every waking moment you don’t spend in sweet reverie for the life that is, with full knowledge of the unending bleakness that is to come, well, that’s time not fully lived. [...]

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Babe Ruth Responds to the Sexual Euphemism: “Pitching and Catching”

November 4, 2011

I’ve got no problem with it. In fact, it’s a fairly accurate metaphor, though not so much in what I would call “tender lovemaking” in which both people (be it homosexual or heterosexual) cease to be separate but rather one entity pulsing and throbbing towards a final and universal climax. But to use it in [...]

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Me and James Arness: Searching For Festus at Whispering Pines

October 25, 2011

I spent the shittiest eight months of my life working at Whispering Pines Retirement Community. There were three tiers at Whispering Pines–the first being the one where the people are wearing track suits and have a pretty high degree of autonomy. They go for day trips to Fredricksburg, the outlet mall tour from San Marcos [...]

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Robert Creeley Better Stop Eye Fucking Me

October 22, 2011

He can hide behind those goddamned goofy sunglasses and think he’s clever all he wants. I know he’s eye fucking me. And if he wants to remain the king of the kingdom of the blind, he better cut that shit out.

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James Hetfield Breaks His Silence on Metallica’s Cover of “Whiskey in the Jar”

October 11, 2011

In fairness, we never claimed to be The Pogues.

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C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man Responds

September 15, 2011

You know, I was well aware that I was making a risky artistic choice when I agreed to do Soul Man. More than anything else, the opportunity to work with James Earl Jones and explore issues of race is what swayed me. Call me naive. In preparation for the role, I read Soul on Ice, [...]

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Dick Ebersol Breaks His Silence Concerning “You’re So Vain”

September 8, 2011

I’ve known Carly a long time. So when the opportunity presents itself to finally hear for myself who the song’s about, plus the money’s going to charity? Naturally I say yes. I outbid Tyne Daly–who let her into that charity auction, anyway?–by two thousand. Take that, Cagney. Or was she Lacey? No, she couldn’t have [...]

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Disgraced Champions of Facial Coiffure

September 6, 2011

Roger Deanswithy Tested positive for Elmer’s Glue during the 2003 World Beard-Off in Frankfurt. Stanley Morowitz Traces of animal fibers–polar bear and Schnauzer–found in his beard during the 1994 Pan-Am Hair Games Larry Candlewise Tested positive for Rogaine-masking substances during random screening in connection with Beard-gate. Dan Haggerty Stripped of lifetime [...]

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I’m the William H. Macy of Redmond, Washington

September 3, 2011

I’ve never been in any movies. Except for this thing my daughter did for school one time. A documentary, she said it was. For school. It was just me sitting there in my underwear eating a bowl of cereal. Just eating breakfast there at the kitchen table in my skivvies and a t-shirt. A portrait [...]

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Francisco Franco

August 9, 2011

Francisco Franco, arguing with Hitler over who popularized the “Franco ‘Stache.” Francisco Franco, fronting like his ATM card isn’t working, asking if someone can spot him. Francisco Franco, celebrating his eighteenth birthday with the gypsies, far out in the woods, drunk on Carribbean rum. Francisco Franco, calling Che Guevara late at night, breathing into the [...]

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Tommy Lee Jones at the Plastic Surgery Clinic

July 23, 2011

Tommy. Tommy. What are you trying to do to me here? No. No. It’s unconscionable. I know what I did for Jack Palance. I know what I did for Clint Eastwood. You’re no Jack Palance. You’re no Clint Eastwood. I can’t do it Tommy. I refuse to have another Kenny Rogers on my hands. He [...]

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Susan Sontag Vs. Joyce Carol Oates

July 21, 2011

In this dream I have, Susan Sontag is probably in her late fifties, and Joyce Carol Oates is in her late twenties, early thirties. Weirdly, though, they’ve both written all the books they will ever write. And they hate each other in this way I can’t really explain. JCO calls Sontag a loudmouth [...]

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