From the category archives:

Famous People

John Holmes and Eazy-E Converse In Heaven

May 22, 2012

John Holmes: It doesn’t seem fair. Eazy-E: I know. I mean, when we caught the bug, it was like… one minute you’re fucking, and five minutes later you’ve got the full-blown AIDS. JH: I mean, did Magic catch the bug two weeks after us? E-E: If that. JH: Good thing there are drugs in heaven. [...]

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The Duggars Discuss Their Favorite Recipes for Placenta

April 12, 2012

Jim Bob Duggar: It wasn’t until, what? The third? Michelle Duggar: John-David, yes. JBD: We… I don’t know what we did with the placentas from our first two kids. Whatever they do with them. MD: Medical waste disposal, or whatever. JBD: But Jesus doesn’t make junk. MD: The body is a sacrament. JBD: If a [...]

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In Response: This is How it Feels

April 10, 2012

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I’ll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone? It feels like shit, Bob. The absolute worst feeling you can imagine. The hopelessness, the spiritual vertigo, the sense that one is drowning in [...]

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Disappointments I Experienced While Wearing My New “Usher for Men” Fragrance

March 5, 2012

I didn’t immediately become ridiculous. Still awkwardly staring at women. Improvement in dance moves only slight.

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I’m the Paula Deen of TEOTWAWKI Preppers

March 1, 2012

No, smartass. I am not stockpiling butter. Nice try, though. I am stockpiling bullets. Bullets are my EOTWAWKI butter. Bullets, bullets, bullets! Mmmmmm! Bullets! Other people, they’re on about beans and bees and all kinds of absurd shit like that. Me? Bullets. With enough bullets, I can get all the beans and bees I want. [...]

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Time Out to Talk Cultural Misappropriation

December 10, 2011

Just don’t. And when others do, say something. Hi. Academy Award Winner and current star of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman Philip Seymour Hoffman here to talk about taking things that don’t belong to you. We’ve all done it. You go to Mexico or Argentina, or maybe Chile, and you come back pronouncing those [...]

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Talking Janet Jackson Through Her Rolling Stone Photo Shoot (1993)

December 3, 2011

Could we get a different pair of jeans in here? Could we try it with… What if she wore the hand model’s jeans? What size are you, guy? Christ. We need another hand model. Those are some… not to be rude, but those are pancake nipples for real, Janet. Get somebody with bigger hands. I [...]

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Last Night I Dreamt…

November 29, 2011

Of strippers. Like I do every night. I dreamt of strippers stripping to Bartok, Beethoven and Brahams. I dreamt of strippers lapdancing to John Cage’s 4’33, and but the DJ cutting it off at 3’30 and the patrons getting pissed. I dreamt of strippers pole dancing to the Alvin and The Chipmunks Christmas album of [...]

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Thornton Wilder Breaks His Silence on Our Town

November 22, 2011

Am I proud of Our Town? I am, from the standpoint of successfully capturing the transitory nature of existence. Grover’s Corner is the world. Every waking moment you don’t spend in sweet reverie for the life that is, with full knowledge of the unending bleakness that is to come, well, that’s time not fully lived. [...]

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Babe Ruth Responds to the Sexual Euphemism: “Pitching and Catching”

November 4, 2011

I’ve got no problem with it. In fact, it’s a fairly accurate metaphor, though not so much in what I would call “tender lovemaking” in which both people (be it homosexual or heterosexual) cease to be separate but rather one entity pulsing and throbbing towards a final and universal climax. But to use it in [...]

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Me and James Arness: Searching For Festus at Whispering Pines

October 25, 2011

I spent the shittiest eight months of my life working at Whispering Pines Retirement Community. There were three tiers at Whispering Pines–the first being the one where the people are wearing track suits and have a pretty high degree of autonomy. They go for day trips to Fredricksburg, the outlet mall tour from San Marcos [...]

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Robert Creeley Better Stop Eye Fucking Me

October 22, 2011

He can hide behind those goddamned goofy sunglasses and think he’s clever all he wants. I know he’s eye fucking me. And if he wants to remain the king of the kingdom of the blind, he better cut that shit out.

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James Hetfield Breaks His Silence on Metallica’s Cover of “Whiskey in the Jar”

October 11, 2011

In fairness, we never claimed to be The Pogues.

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C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man Responds

September 15, 2011

You know, I was well aware that I was making a risky artistic choice when I agreed to do Soul Man. More than anything else, the opportunity to work with James Earl Jones and explore issues of race is what swayed me. Call me naive. In preparation for the role, I read Soul on Ice, [...]

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Dick Ebersol Breaks His Silence Concerning “You’re So Vain”

September 8, 2011

I’ve known Carly a long time. So when the opportunity presents itself to finally hear for myself who the song’s about, plus the money’s going to charity? Naturally I say yes. I outbid Tyne Daly–who let her into that charity auction, anyway?–by two thousand. Take that, Cagney. Or was she Lacey? No, she couldn’t have [...]

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