From the category archives:

Famous People

I’m the William H. Macy of Redmond, Washington

September 3, 2011

I’ve never been in any movies. Except for this thing my daughter did for school one time. A documentary, she said it was. For school. It was just me sitting there in my underwear eating a bowl of cereal. Just eating breakfast there at the kitchen table in my skivvies and a t-shirt. A portrait [...]

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Francisco Franco

August 9, 2011

Francisco Franco, arguing with Hitler over who popularized the “Franco ‘Stache.” Francisco Franco, fronting like his ATM card isn’t working, asking if someone can spot him. Francisco Franco, celebrating his eighteenth birthday with the gypsies, far out in the woods, drunk on Carribbean rum. Francisco Franco, calling Che Guevara late at night, breathing into the [...]

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Tommy Lee Jones at the Plastic Surgery Clinic

July 23, 2011

Tommy. Tommy. What are you trying to do to me here? No. No. It’s unconscionable. I know what I did for Jack Palance. I know what I did for Clint Eastwood. You’re no Jack Palance. You’re no Clint Eastwood. I can’t do it Tommy. I refuse to have another Kenny Rogers on my hands. He [...]

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Susan Sontag Vs. Joyce Carol Oates

July 21, 2011

In this dream I have, Susan Sontag is probably in her late fifties, and Joyce Carol Oates is in her late twenties, early thirties. Weirdly, though, they’ve both written all the books they will ever write. And they hate each other in this way I can’t really explain. JCO calls Sontag a loudmouth [...]

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Feliz Cumpleanos, Eli Whitney

July 14, 2011

Your “labor-saving” invention made slavery more profitable than ever. When you didn’t get rich off of that, you used your Ivy League connections to sell guns to the Continental Army. In so doing, with your standardization processes, you made possible industrialization. You made possible the assembly line. Again: the world-wide human misery that sprang from [...]

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Me and Bob Ross: The Oncology Clinic

June 25, 2011

My aunt was going through chemo, in and out of the hospital. I was nineteen, on academic suspension from a third-rate technical college, between three week stints at jobs so incredibly dull that suicide seemed like a viable alternative. So my parents had me drive my aunt to her appointments, as a term of my [...]

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If You Get Caught Between The Moon and New York City…

June 23, 2011

You’d better hope to shit you have oxygen. I mean seriously. “The best thing you can do is fall in love?” With what? Interstellar radiation? Your own immanent demise? And don’t give me that shit about “it doesn’t say ‘If you get caught at a point equidistant between the moon and New York City’ because [...]

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My Lunch With Young Jeezy

June 9, 2011

We meet at a place downtown whose name I cannot pronounce, something with letters in it I do not recognize. “The food here is banging,” Jeezy assures me as we enter, the maître d’ scuttling over to greet us. “Mister Jeezy,” he says. “It has been so long since you have come to see us. [...]

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Ernest Hemingway at the Swap Meet

May 21, 2011

He walked for a time along the highway from where he had parked his car to the entrance of the swap meet, where he gave a woman three dollars to pay for his entrance and also to receive a raffle ticket. They would call out the number of the winner, the woman told him. He [...]

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Installment 42 of Get It Right, Jackass

May 19, 2011

Foster is his middle name. It’s not “Foster Wallace,” as in “I like to pretend I’ve read Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.” It’s just Wallace. Dipshit. Garcia isn’t his middle name. His whole last name is Garcia Marquez. As in “I sometimes dream that I am Petra Cotes, and that Garcia Marquez‘s mustache is Jose Arcadio [...]

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Me, OJ, and R Kelly: Trapped in the Elevator

May 5, 2011

Me: Wow. I can’t believe this. I’m going to be late for my interview. Of course I am. Of course. They’ll send someone, right? Or something? Right? Can you run out of oxygen in an elevator? It’s hot in here, right? And there’s a definite lack of oxygen. I’ll just… I’ll take very small breaths. [...]

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Idi Amin

April 12, 2011

Idi Amin bathing with his cousins in a washtub. Idi Amin licking the soap when no one is looking. Idi Amin looking up at the sky, where vultures circle. Idi Amin finding only a fingernail paring and a cigarette butt in his Valentines Day bag at Ta’anaka Primary School. Idi Amin feeding his lunch to [...]

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The Murky Fringe Interviews The Ices: Cube And T

March 24, 2011

The Murky Fringe: So, Ices. Is it cool if I refer to you plurally as Ices? Ice Cube: It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Ice-T: Yo, I’m not sure how I feel about that. TMF: Are you doing a bit right now, T? Are you playing your character from that cop show you’re on, [...]

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Me and Powers Boothe: Last Roundup In Floydada

March 22, 2011

He has a place down the road from my parents. There isn’t a whole lot to do in Floydada. That’s Floy-day-dah, not Floy-dah-dah. The people in Floydada wouldn’t know Dah-dah if it hogtied and branded them. I see him a lot at the library. A few people in town are curious about him, but they’re [...]

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Rock & Roll Legend Shane Macgowan Responds

March 19, 2011

Nah thut’ve gah mah choppers fixed, yah mingin’ cahnts, what’ll yeh be ahn about? Ye’ve gah fuck all. Dead fackin’ nothin. Though, fer fair, yer mum and yer sister dinnae mind me withoot ‘em.

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