From the category archives:

Letters

Here’s What’s Wrong With Your Humor Site, Humor Site

March 2, 2013

Dear Small Internet Humor Site That Published Me, First off, I am very grateful. I have no idea how many hits you get to your site but I imagine it’s in the gazillions. I know you’re just my stepping stone to internet immortality but thank you for letting me step on you. We can’t all [...]

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To the Rappers of the World

November 18, 2012

Dear Rappers of the World, We, the Ladies’ Society of Greenburg, are concerned with the growing plight of swear words in our youngsters’ mouths. And while we ladies have most certainly said our share of doozies, we’re positive this potty-mouthed epidemic is not coming from our community. Our research, of which we’ve done almost two [...]

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Tags: This Week in News

November 16, 2012

Re: Researchers and Mathematicians in China have proposed a three methods to improve aircraft efficiency based on passenger boarding. The study focused on three methods: random chaos (!), orderly seat assignment, and the effects of “passengers’ individual properties such as maximum speed and luggage” To Whom IT May Concern: After careful consideration, I’ve composed [...]

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Norm Figgithon Writes Another Overly Effusive Letter: To His Cheese Shop

October 28, 2012

Dear Charlie the Cheese Monger, No one has pleased my cheese center like you, Charlie. And I’ve been to cheeseries more fine than thine. My toesies have pranced through the doors of Parisian cheese palaces where when I entered I was whisked into secret dairy dungeons where they showed me tomme kept in bank [...]

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September 20, 2012

Tamara Skarts

455 Skarts Lane

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Dear Municipal Fire Department of Canker County,

I must inform you that either ghost or critter or ex-husband has taken up residence in my attic, and I am too afraid to check. It has been twelve years since I was was married, online buying CLOMID hcl, Buying CLOMID online over the counter, and nearly as long since I have seen the ex-husband, except for last summer, CLOMID long term, Online buy CLOMID without a prescription, when I allowed him to mow the lawn (on just a few occasions, if necessary I can be exact about this), where can i buy CLOMID online, CLOMID forum, just after he was released from Canker County lock-up and was very much in need of $20, and a handout was not an option, CLOMID without a prescription. CLOMID australia, uk, us, usa, (I'm sure you understand.)

(I do believe in ghosts.)

Like a ghost, my ex-husband tends to be a very restless creature, buy CLOMID from canada. CLOMID from canada, I have seen (in movies and TV shows and just even in the Sunday Funnies) how ghosts are so outside of things like sleep and eating and general things like that. Even at the beginning, buy CLOMID online no prescription, Where can i cheapest CLOMID online, years and years ago, I had the thoughts: might this man be a ghost, where can i find CLOMID online. And this was very intriguing, CLOMID FOR SALE. Online buying CLOMID, In fact, I have witnessed him go for days on end without succumbing to the very mortal need of sleep, order CLOMID online overnight delivery no prescription. Order CLOMID from mexican pharmacy, So all the pacing and the banging around could very well be his attempt at reaching a level of wore-out-ness that would allow sleep. (I am not without sympathy.)

(Do you not, CLOMID no rx, CLOMID pharmacy, too, believe in the very real, CLOMID for sale, Cheap CLOMID, very other-than-ourselves-ness. The occult? As though what’s up there, japan, craiglist, ebay, overseas, paypal, CLOMID from canadian pharmacy, when you come to rescue me, could save us all.)*

Like a wild critter, low dose CLOMID, Where can i order CLOMID without prescription, a squirrel or a skunk, my ex-husband is very virile.** Which is to say that up there, CLOMID without prescription, Buy no prescription CLOMID online, if it is indeed critter and not ex-husband, it is more likely to be a family of critters - four, CLOMID treatment, CLOMID blogs, five or even eight of them, tail-chasing and munching through the wood between the attic floor and the upstairs ceiling, australia, uk, us, usa. CLOMID FOR SALE, If my ex-husband is indeed living up there, all I have to say to him is hello Randy. CLOMID use, You have scared the shit out of us. We are downstairs, much like a family of critters, numbering one mother (me) and many children (Alice, Joey, Tim, Randolph - who who refuses to shorten his name to yours - and Craig, Cragien, Thomas, Arlo and Mouse), chewing through our kipper snacks and minute rice and tapioca and trying to figure out what is going on.

Things you should know:

The attic is only accessible through a pull-down staircase, and it is entirely likely that when you release these stairs, the ghost or critter or ex-husband will fall down too, so I suggest wearing your helmets and large fire-proof suits, because I am not sure what powers the ghost may have, or whether or not the critter may be rabid, or exactly when the last time the ex-husband may have showered.

Do come soon.

Yours,

Tamara.

*of course I don’t expect you to come alone, nor do I expect you to stay the night

**They are not all of ex-husband, but he planted the first one in me.

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August 30, 2012

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April 10, 2012

BUY NEURONTIN NO PRESCRIPTION, [caption id="attachment_8186" align="aligncenter" width="350" caption="I ask you in turn, Bobby: how does it feel to look like a poorly-preserved wax statue of Vincent Price?"][/caption]

I know that your question was rhetorical, but I'll answer it anyway. How does it feel/ to be on your own/ no direction home/ a complete unknown/ like a rolling stone?

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Guess that didn't make its way into the song, huh.

The thing that hurts the most, Bobby, is that you've never come to our class reunion. Not our twenty-year, and not the thirty, and not the forty.

And having your press agent send an autographed photo with the RSVP. That's just cold.

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April 6, 2012

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August 10, 2011

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June 22, 2011

[caption id="attachment_6541" align="aligncenter" width="328" caption=""BRAINS or whatever""][/caption]

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June 10, 2011

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January 15, 2011

[caption id="attachment_5467" align="aligncenter" width="292" caption="A Social Security number is not a joke."][/caption]

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Slandered Oil: A Wesson Executive Responds

December 2, 2010

[caption id="attachment_5189" align="aligncenter" width="286" caption="Remember, Wesson Oil will come after you like a ravening pack of hyenas if you impugn their branding through improper use, or the even the merest suggestion thereof."][/caption] Dear editors of The Murky Fringe: It has come to the attention of our legal department that in a weblog post on or [...]

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