From the category archives:

Letters

A Groundhog Responds

August 26, 2010

Ladies- How kind, how generous, I found your clever little piece of some weeks ago. Hairy duffel bag, falling down a flight of stairs. Too, too cute. If it weren’t for the fact that your species eliminated all the animals that predated upon you, you might know the terror that strikes the heart when you [...]

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Motivational Letter for a Short-Armed Girl Who Wants to be a Trapeze Catcher

August 1, 2010

Danielle, Your mother tells me that you want to be a trapeze artist–a catcher, in fact–but lately you’ve started to doubt your dream. I understand that doubt, Danielle. When I was a little boy I wanted to be a writer just like Mark Twain, but everyone said that my Negro characters sounded like racist stereotypes. [...]

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Apology for a Botched Trust Fall

June 23, 2010

Dear Jaques, I’m sorry I didn’t catch you. I guess when it all comes down to it, I don’t really trust myself. Regards, Carly P.S. My brother knows a wheelchair guy if you need one of those kind you steer with your mouth.

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Rejection Letter from Japanese Tea Ceremony Camp

March 22, 2010

Dear Applicant, Thank you for your interest in Japanese Tea Ceremony Camp. Each year we receive hundreds of applications from promising young people hoping to learn the ancient art of the Japanese tea ceremony in the seclusion of the Bershire Mountains of Western Massachusetts. Unfortunately we do not have space for everyone, and we regret [...]

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Letter to a Fifth Grade Teacher From a Concerned Parent Following the Solar System Unit in Science Class

February 6, 2010

Dear Ms. Jordan, It’s come to my attention that you have recently finished your solar system unit. When I asked my daughter to tell me about the various planets she (very predictably) mentioned that Jupiter is the largest, Mercury the “fastest” (by which she meant “has the shortest orbit around the sun”), and Saturn, of [...]

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An Open Letter from the Family Dog Upon the Occasion of the Birth of Our Daughters

February 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cleveland, OH) People— Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scooter, and I used to matter. In fact, I used to be kind of a big thing around here. Nights, I’d curl up in Mother’s lap, maybe get a scratch behind the ears. When I was a good boy, I [...]

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A Contributor Has Second Thoughts

January 22, 2010

Dear Editors, A few weeks ago I submitted a piece entitled I’m Not Blind, I’m Just Wearing Two Eye Patches. You accepted it, saying you would run it eventually on a Thursday. Please DO NOT publish this. I feel terrible having written it at all. Sincerely, J.R. from Tallahassee, FL

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Fr. Malone’s Series of Unanswered Prayers

December 18, 2009

8:37 pm Dear Lord, Tonight I pray for the patience and the strength to endure Father Carmichael’s snoring, which has kept me up now since he transferred to our community some three weeks ago. And even though we are blessed to have separate rooms, Lord, I ask that I may fall asleep before Father Carmichael, [...]

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A Tot Finder Model Speaks Out

December 6, 2009

There has been a lot of talk lately about abandoning the Tot Finder sticker program, and I understand the arguments. First of all, if you put the Tot Finder sticker (of me) on your child’s window, and he or she [I'm assuming here that if you have a transgendered child, your child will come to identify [...]

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The School Psychologist Apologizes for Misdiagnosing Your Child as a Prodigy

December 4, 2009

I’m truly sorry. I swore I’d never do this. My colleague at the Rathmore School had one a few years ago, and I thought maybe Zach was mine.

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Letter Home from Autopsy Camp

November 18, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad, Yesterday we spent all morning looking at the kidneys of our cadaver. Based on their condition, the guy must have been a real drinker. That’s what Alexie said, he’s my friend from England. He’s got a colostomy bag so he can make fun of anything. He calls our cadaver Big Jim [...]

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A German Castle-Covered Postcard Written to Father-in-Law (Mine) Upon Return from Honeymoon in Europe

November 5, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY KARA WAITE (Somerville, MA) On the flight from Berlin to Prague, I had the aisle seat.Bored with my magazine, I convinced Nate to meet me in the first-class bathroom. After we’d finished, I went out first and climbed into his seat. I pressed my face against the cool, thickly glassed window and thought [...]

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Thank-You Note to a Voodoo Witch Doctor

November 3, 2009

Dear Mr. Fagan, Thank you for making my teacher have an aneurysm. My mom said you had to drink a lot of chicken blood for that, and I really appreciate it. Yours Truly, Tabitha Johnston

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A Werewolf’s Single-Parent Responds

October 31, 2009

Dear Murky Fringe, Thank you for your “advice” on raising werewolves. How did I ever manage before you came along? That goat-in-the-garage thing? Brilliant. I can’t believe that never occurred to me. Not once. Especially after the first time he changed and went through an orphanage like it was a bucket of wings. I can’t [...]

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Yelp* Review for Stella’s Bistro

October 24, 2009

Whoever wrapped up my salmon and couscous in aluminum foil did not even try to make the swan’s neck look elegant. Yes there was length to it, but there was no graceful curve, no attempt at beauty. Imagine a duck as he takes off in flight. Imagine the horrible awkwardness of that moment, the desperate [...]

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