From the category archives:

Letters

An Open Letter from the Family Dog Upon the Occasion of the Birth of Our Daughters

February 4, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY JAMIE POISSANT (Cleveland, OH) People— Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Scooter, and I used to matter. In fact, I used to be kind of a big thing around here. Nights, I’d curl up in Mother’s lap, maybe get a scratch behind the ears. When I was a good boy, I [...]

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A Contributor Has Second Thoughts

January 22, 2010

Dear Editors, A few weeks ago I submitted a piece entitled I’m Not Blind, I’m Just Wearing Two Eye Patches. You accepted it, saying you would run it eventually on a Thursday. Please DO NOT publish this. I feel terrible having written it at all. Sincerely, J.R. from Tallahassee, FL

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Fr. Malone’s Series of Unanswered Prayers

December 18, 2009

8:37 pm Dear Lord, Tonight I pray for the patience and the strength to endure Father Carmichael’s snoring, which has kept me up now since he transferred to our community some three weeks ago. And even though we are blessed to have separate rooms, Lord, I ask that I may fall asleep before Father Carmichael, [...]

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A Tot Finder Model Speaks Out

December 6, 2009

There has been a lot of talk lately about abandoning the Tot Finder sticker program, and I understand the arguments. First of all, if you put the Tot Finder sticker (of me) on your child’s window, and he or she [I'm assuming here that if you have a transgendered child, your child will come to identify [...]

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The School Psychologist Apologizes for Misdiagnosing Your Child as a Prodigy

December 4, 2009

I’m truly sorry. I swore I’d never do this. My colleague at the Rathmore School had one a few years ago, and I thought maybe Zach was mine.

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Letter Home from Autopsy Camp

November 18, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad, Yesterday we spent all morning looking at the kidneys of our cadaver. Based on their condition, the guy must have been a real drinker. That’s what Alexie said, he’s my friend from England. He’s got a colostomy bag so he can make fun of anything. He calls our cadaver Big Jim [...]

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A German Castle-Covered Postcard Written to Father-in-Law (Mine) Upon Return from Honeymoon in Europe

November 5, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY KARA WAITE (Somerville, MA) On the flight from Berlin to Prague, I had the aisle seat.Bored with my magazine, I convinced Nate to meet me in the first-class bathroom. After we’d finished, I went out first and climbed into his seat. I pressed my face against the cool, thickly glassed window and thought [...]

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Thank-You Note to a Voodoo Witch Doctor

November 3, 2009

Dear Mr. Fagan, Thank you for making my teacher have an aneurysm. My mom said you had to drink a lot of chicken blood for that, and I really appreciate it. Yours Truly, Tabitha Johnston

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A Werewolf’s Single-Parent Responds

October 31, 2009

Dear Murky Fringe, Thank you for your “advice” on raising werewolves. How did I ever manage before you came along? That goat-in-the-garage thing? Brilliant. I can’t believe that never occurred to me. Not once. Especially after the first time he changed and went through an orphanage like it was a bucket of wings. I can’t [...]

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Yelp* Review for Stella’s Bistro

October 24, 2009

Whoever wrapped up my salmon and couscous in aluminum foil did not even try to make the swan’s neck look elegant. Yes there was length to it, but there was no graceful curve, no attempt at beauty. Imagine a duck as he takes off in flight. Imagine the horrible awkwardness of that moment, the desperate [...]

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Helen Keller’s Fifth Grade Pen Pal

October 23, 2009

Dear Helen, My teacher says you can’t see or hear. I get blue and orange mixed up, so maybe we can be friends. Do you know about hippos? They are very dangerous. So are wolverines. They can kill bears. Last week my dad’s sister came to our house because she’s tired of all the bullshit. [...]

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Sex Ed Newsletter

October 16, 2009

Dear Parents, November is National Dental Dam Month (NDDM). This is a great time to talk with your kids about the value–and versatility–of dental dams. I recommend scheduling a time when you can sit down with your child, make some ice cream sundaes, and show them your dental dams. Take this time to answer questions [...]

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Parents of the World:

October 8, 2009

Stop blowing on cuts. It’s not helping.

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Advice for Roman Polanski from Pete Rose

October 4, 2009

I should preface this by saying that I’ve never seen your movies. I once put some money on a horse named Rosemary, but that was a mistake. You’re in some deep shit my friend. Even I know you don’t mess around with 13 year-old girls. That’s a moral strikeout. I bet against my own team [...]

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Werewolf Parenting

October 3, 2009

You know your son’s a werewolf, and you know exactly when the full moon occurs. Why then do you not chain him up in the garage with either half a cow or a live goat, thus sparing everyone his rampage? The trick is to have something to occupy his need for bloody mayhem. Something he’ll [...]

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