From the category archives:

Letters

Advice for Roman Polanski from Pete Rose

October 4, 2009

I should preface this by saying that I’ve never seen your movies. I once put some money on a horse named Rosemary, but that was a mistake. You’re in some deep shit my friend. Even I know you don’t mess around with 13 year-old girls. That’s a moral strikeout. I bet against my own team [...]

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Werewolf Parenting

October 3, 2009

You know your son’s a werewolf, and you know exactly when the full moon occurs. Why then do you not chain him up in the garage with either half a cow or a live goat, thus sparing everyone his rampage? The trick is to have something to occupy his need for bloody mayhem. Something he’ll [...]

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Dear Nut-Bar Manager,

October 1, 2009

I really need you to let me make my own peanut butter. It’s no more complicated than flipping a switch and holding my plastic cup under the spout. I don’t need your help with this. You’ve seen me do it several times–you even complimented me on bringing my own empty jar from home– but you [...]

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Dating Advice for Fishmongers

September 20, 2009

Get a different job.

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Wanted: Blog Writer (Less than $500)

September 18, 2009

I’m looking for someone to write 10 to 15 blog posts per week, covering my three websites: hotcats.co.uk, wickedslipnslidez.com, and mylesbiankitchen.co.ia. Writer must be proficient in English as well as “creative” type who “gets me” and my “quirky” personality. Topics will include: attractive cats (yes, the animal, not like the slang for hipster and such), [...]

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Dear Sideswiper

September 15, 2009

Dear Sideswiper, We haven’t met, but I’m the guy whose 2005 Chevy Cavalier you scratched and dented the other night. No problem. I’m sure it was an accident. And I’m sure that the note you left was either swept away by a gust of wind or some 17 year-old who thought it would be hilarious [...]

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Yelp* Review for Helena Taco John’s (Montana Ave.)

September 15, 2009

3.5 out of 5 Nachos Navidad didn’t have enough sour cream. Too many green chips. Dr. Diablo not working (second time in a row). Had a Mountain Dew. Old-style crunchy, round ice as good as ever. The kid behind the counter with the broken arm asked me to sign his cast. Said next time. Couldn’t [...]

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