From the category archives:

Lists

Unfounded Stereotypes

August 27, 2010

Asians are always dropping stuff. Black women love sauerkraut. Tennessee judges don’t convict people of treason. Norwegians hate themselves. Street people hate children. Children hate horses. Nigerians masturbate all over everything. The Welsh are great with numbers. Russian men have huge prostates. Descendants of the Incans think they’re the shit (but they’re not). Manitoban women [...]

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For The Love of God…

August 19, 2010

Please stop talking about how much you hate Farmville, or Fishville, or whatever it is that you think is polluting your Facebook newsfeed, and is thus polluting my newsfeed (with your status updates reading “I don’t care about the spotted ass ape you acquired in Farmville,” and bulletins of your joining groups with such witty [...]

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Terrible Distractions for a Young Patient’s Tetanus Shot

August 15, 2010

Hey Charlie, how’s your father’s cancer? I don’t trust my children, Charlie. Do you know what’s in granola? It’s made from orphans, Charlie. Sorry if I seem a little shaky: it’s the Red Bulls. Margot! Why does it smell like some dog’s been licking his balls in here?! Have I ever told you about the [...]

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Chinese-Parade-Dragon-Head-Holder’s Pet Peeves

August 11, 2010

When people watch me moving the stick. Keep your eyes on the dragon-head! Firecrackers near my dragon-head. People who think that everyone holding a pole on the dragon plays an equally important part. (Come on, I’m the fucking dragon-head. They don’t just give that away.) MSG jokes. When people holding dragon-tail poles don’t do what [...]

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Parallel Oscar Universe: 1986

July 9, 2010

Best Picture: Witness Nominees: Out of Africa, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Prizzi’s Honor, The Color Purple Excerpt from Director’s Acceptance Speech: Peter Weir: “And, of course, I’d like to thank the Amish for welcoming us all into their closed community. That couldn’t have been easy. And if any of you had TVs, I think [...]

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Why I’m Not Giving My Guidance Counselor the Nickname He Wants

June 25, 2010

I don’t know him that well. He keeps mouthwash on his desk. Because loving Freddy Mercury does not entitle someone to the nickname “Freddy” or “Mercury.” I got into Cornell without his help. He tried to give me an Army of One t-shirt, but I turned him down and he acted all hurt like I [...]

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“Are You Like the Junior Varsity of Midwives?” and Other Questions You Should Never Ask Your Doula

June 13, 2010

Are you sure the word doula isn’t Irish? Have you checked its entomology yourself? You personally? So, no badgers–at all–in the delivery room? Just none? Is this a correct analogy: a midwife is to a really important person as a doula is to, say, someone who still sleeps on her mom’s couch? Other than the [...]

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Metallica Won’t Be Playing Your Birthday Party Because…

June 10, 2010

Original bassist Cliff Burton died on Kirk Hammet’s birthday, and he’s been fucked up about birthdays ever since. Lars Ulrich is afraid of birthday candles. And balloons. Years of cigarettes, alcohol, and screaming have rendered James Hetfield’s vocal cords incapable of the final high note of the birthday song, and it embarrasses the shit out [...]

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Runners-Up in the 2010 Heublein Spirits Worst-Named Drink Contest

June 8, 2010

10. The Subdural Hemotoma 9. The Dirty Windshield 8. Shame and Regret in Liquid Form 7. Gary Coleman, The Later Years* 6. Big Jim’s ____________. 5. The Dangling Participle 4. The Rusted Turnbuckle 3. The Shart 2. The Creepy Uncle 1. Punxsutawney Phil’s Revenge * Too soon?

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Things I Refuse to Do with My Light Brite…(and the Reasons Why)

May 30, 2010

Share it with poor kids…(get your own Light Brite!) Make the Irish flag…(I don’t believe in secession.) Take it to gay bars…(the Light Brite don’t go outside my house.) Turn it on in the closet…(what do you think I am, a Muslim?) Spell words like “courage”…(man, fuck spelling!) Make a portrait of Jesus…(as soon as [...]

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Rules for Stagecoach Passengers

May 23, 2010

1. Don’t name the horses. They already have names. Like Dutchess. And Ginger. And Phyllis. And Riley. 2. If we are chased by Indians, do NOT yell insults aimed at buffalo. 3. We do not carry gold. Please do not ask to see the gold. There is no gold. None at all. 4. No, we [...]

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7 Rockettes Reveal What They Visualize While High-Kicking*

May 16, 2010

Jameel: a toaster-sized cube of Velveeta Susan: that smug motherfucker who reclassified Pluto Bobbie: any horse who’s looking down (horses bite people) Claire: I just pretend to be Reggie Roby punting in the 4th quarter Hannah: a cloud of rainbow glitter Dakota: sea anemones and cantaloupe Cleo: Clarence Darrow’s agnosticism * Rockettes are strictly forbidden from visualizing [...]

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7 Reasons You Don’t Even Deserve a Dessert Pizza

May 12, 2010

1. Abusing your tire-iron privileges. 2. The constant Nietzsche quotes. 3. Jokes about my lisp. 4. You flunked your test on the endocrine glands. 5. You wouldn’t know what to do with a dessert pizza. 6. The ear-wax fight. 7. Because you didn’t eat your damn breadsticks!

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Ms. Todd’s (Revised) Rules for the Library

April 21, 2010

1. No running 2. No Spit Tag 3. No consecutive check-outs 4. No Alice Munro books published after 1994 5. No dogs 6. No saying “cockblocker” 7. No wincing 8. We don’t have Our Bodies, Ourselves anymore (the masturbators took it!) 9. No bookmarks 10. No juice boxes 11. No Southern accents–not even in jest [...]

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Here’s What I Know About Camels

April 16, 2010

1. Slower than horses. 2. Take things personally. 3. Don’t need much water. 4. Huge lips. 5. Hate Minnesota.

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