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A Vampire Responds

January 13, 2011

Dear anonymous questioner: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but put down the goddamned Twilight books. At first, when this phenomenon developed, we at the Institute for the Advancement of Vampiric Studies (IAVS) were excited. Maybe, we thought, the author would take the opportunity provided her to humanize our subspecies (to the degree possible, [...]

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Six More Reasons Your Cousin Lucinda Gets To Go To the Brooks & Dunn Reunion Concert And You Don’t

January 11, 2011

6. Your cousin Lucinda doesn’t question whether Kix is Brooks’ first name, or whether he’s related to Garth Brooks. 5. Your cousin Lucinda didn’t sound derisive when she called Brooks & Dunn “The Loggins and Messina of 90′s era country music.” 4. Your cousin Lucinda can say “Brushpopper” with a straight face. 3. Your cousin [...]

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Soundtracks My Brother Won’t Admit He Has

January 4, 2011

10. Xanadu 9. Muppet Christmas 8. Titanic 7. Braveheart 6. Rambo III 5. When Harry Met Sally 4. Peter and the Wolf 3. A Star is Born* 2. A Star is Born** 1. Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties *1976 version starring Kris Kristofferson and Barbara Streisand. **1954 version starring Judy Garland and James Mason

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Things Found in a Park Slope Snowbank

December 30, 2010

A child’s mitten. An empty Skittles bag. An empty Seagram’s Gin pint bottle. Three different deposits of dog feces. A different child’s mitten* An empty 24-ounce can of Steel Reserve High-Gravity Malt Liquor. Something that was either the contents of someone’s stomach or take-out Chinese. A condom, unrolled and draped in such a way as [...]

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Judging Contestants in Their Attempts at Filling Pelican Beaks with (The Most Unique) Non-Threatening Objects and Substances

December 8, 2010

3 Gallons of Sugar-Free Lemon Jello Child’s Yoga Mat 2 Grizzly Cub Paws A Pigmy Child Vintage ABA Basketball * Plastic Bag of Hair From India A Pelican of Similar Size Roseanne (Seasons 3 &4 DVDs) 7 Pounds of Wax Lips Super T-Rex Expanding Sponge * WINNER

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Five More Little Known Facts About Mark Twain

December 4, 2010

A promising bare-knuckle boxer in his younger days, Mark Twain once went ninety-six rounds against a Haitian stevedore. The two later became friends, and most Twainians agree that this man probably provided the model for the character of Jim. Possessed of a rare condition wherein the legs cannot support the body’s weight while the prostate [...]

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Protest Signs in Front of Rudy’s Turtle Massage Clinic

December 3, 2010

“Rub a Shell, Go to Hell!” “Get Your Hands Off Me You Damned Dirty Ape!” “Turtles are people!” “Shame on You, Rudy!” “What’s Next: Turtle Chiropractors?!” “Turtles: We were here before massage; We’ll be here after!” “Turtle Massage = Pedophilia” “I Wouldn’t Let Rudy Touch My Dead Hamster.” “NO HAPPY ENDINGS!!

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Actual Lines I’ve Used In My Father’s Poetry Slam Introductions

December 1, 2010

Where my rhymers at tonight? What what…what!” Somewhere Eminem’s dad is drunk. That last lady was great. Dad, why are you always following the black lesbian? This next guy is 50% responsible for me being here today. Dad, I’d like you to meet Mom’s old boyfriend, Carl. Somebody, beat box on three… That last guy [...]

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Unsuccessful Segues for Pawning off a Kitten (or a Box of Kittens)

November 26, 2010

But before your daughter died, did she like animals? Well, there are no atheists in fox holes, and that’s the truth, but you want to know the one thing I thought about more than my family? More than the life ahead of me? One thing. One small and innocent thing. Where was I when Noriega [...]

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All The Important Shit I Should Have Learned In School, But Didn’t

November 18, 2010

4. Cursive Handwriting: Okay, sure, Mrs. Bradley provided instruction in cursive handwriting, but she eventually asked me to print my assignments in exchange for a C- in cursive writing. I was in third grade. I took the deal. 3. Some Sense of World and US Geography: Again, there was a test on the states and [...]

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How High Is Too High? Bob Villa Ranks The Intoxications Resulting From Working With Various Industrial Chemicals

October 24, 2010

6. Oil-Based Paint You want to paint over those old cabinets, but don’t want to sand them down first. Which means you’ve got to resort to oil-based paint. Which means that you’ll have a low-grade ache knotted around your brain-stem for at least twelve hours after you’re done painting. You might as well use this [...]

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Hipster Retorts to the Bumper Sticker “Guns Don’t Kill People…I Do”

October 22, 2010

“Sometimes people just get wounded.” “Drones don’t kill people…I do…from my CIA computer.” “How about just ‘I kill people because I have a fucking gun!’?” “Guns don’t kill people…Steven Soderbergh movies do.” “Actually, bullets kill people.” “More like “Guns don’t kill people…I work at Payless.”

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Charles Dickens Ranks The Pornographic Films Loosely Based On His Works From Least To Most Personally Offensive

October 12, 2010

6. A Tale of Two Titties The subtitle of “It was the breast of times, it was the worst of times,” produces within me a mirthful chuckle. Also, nice alliteration. 5. Great Sexpectations Neither terribly clever in its titling nor terribly odious in its plot, I give it a meh. 4. The Prickwick Papers Another [...]

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Giving It All Back: A Recovering Kleptomaniac Makes Amends

October 8, 2010

Hey Diane, here’s that au jus from your French dip sandwich. Well, it’s not the exact same au jus. That evaporated. I’m looking for Ron Pearson? If you see him could you give him this cutting board. It was his wife’s, I think, before she got the cancer. Dave, I brought back your mom’s copy [...]

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