From the category archives:

Literary jokes that are necessarily narrow-gauge in scope

Last Night I Dreamt…

May 8, 2012

of a remake of Top Gun. Like I do every night. This time, Mav and Goose were drone pilots. Sitting in their cubicles, Maverick flying the RC aircraft according to his own devil-may-care rules. The guy in charge said, “that’s a half-a-million dollar model plane with some very sophisticated weapons and guidance systems you’re piloting. [...]

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Werner Herzog Moderates a Discussion Between Tina Yothers and Keisha Knight Pulliam

April 20, 2012

Werner Herzog: You were both chosen to be the verbose, to be the contrary, to be the youngest who speaks plainly and often. Tina Yothers: The smart-aleck, annoying younger sister, yes. Keisha Knight Pulliam: Rudy Huxtable wasn’t annoying. Smart-aleck, yes, but not annoying. Rudy was cute. WH: Which of you feels more sorrow, I wonder? [...]

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I am the Roger Federer of DIY Home Renovation (Per David Foster Wallace’s Essay)

March 8, 2012

People ask me what it’s like to be so quick with home renovations. “Man,” they say, “It’s got to be like living in a montage. In the length of time it takes to listen to an inspirational Frank Stallone song, you’ve like gotten all the furniture out of the house, everything stripped down and repainted, [...]

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My Grandfather’s Deathbed Confession (An Unedited Transcript)

December 20, 2011

Rainy boots and my last two fishing lures? Haversack. Wigwam. Jump-start the hide-a-bed. Jersey Shore my Alice Munro Wall clock. Hasselhoff in Dusseldorf. Black smoke sunshine. Ain’t no beauty pageant for groundhogs, gophers, or rain gauges. Pray for me Mary Kate. No habla Malt-o-Meal in Caracas. Dowsing El Camino. Don’t shak-o my Baco’s, and never [...]

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Thornton Wilder Breaks His Silence on Our Town

November 22, 2011

Am I proud of Our Town? I am, from the standpoint of successfully capturing the transitory nature of existence. Grover’s Corner is the world. Every waking moment you don’t spend in sweet reverie for the life that is, with full knowledge of the unending bleakness that is to come, well, that’s time not fully lived. [...]

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Robert Creeley Better Stop Eye Fucking Me

October 22, 2011

He can hide behind those goddamned goofy sunglasses and think he’s clever all he wants. I know he’s eye fucking me. And if he wants to remain the king of the kingdom of the blind, he better cut that shit out.

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In Defense of Irony

October 20, 2011

Okay, then. You tell me. If being afraid to fly your whole life and then getting into a plane crash once you decide to confront your fear, if that’s not irony–because it seems to me textbook-like freshman in high school irony–then what exactly is irony? Can you provide me with a like web-browser generated response [...]

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Luis Borges Better Stop Eye Fucking Me

October 9, 2011

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Blood Meridian: The Musical

October 8, 2011

Opening Theme: Your Pa is a Drunkard, Your Sister’s Run Off, and You Killed Your Ma Upon Entering This World Shot in the Back by a Boatswain in New Orleans (Ain’t No Mardi Gras Around Here Today) Freedonia (A New Start!) Working in the Diphtheria Pesthouse (For the Weekend) The Judge’s Theme (Ladies and Gentlemen, [...]

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Runners-Up in the 2011 Heublein Spirits Worst-Named Drink Contest

September 27, 2011

Jagged Little Pill (Teen Angst in Liquid Form) While the judges enjoyed your use of parenthetical subtitle and the liberal use of Chewy Sweet Tarts in the recipe, they didn’t think Clearasil and cut out pictures from back issues of Marie Claire made for good ingredients. Ulcerating Colitis The judges thought that the emotional [...]

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Carthage and Ithaca

September 18, 2011

When we first met, you often spoke of your travels as a child to Carthage and Ithaca. And of how much you wanted to go back. Of how much you would like to take me with you. And I was admittedly naive to think you meant the Carthage and Ithaca on the other side of [...]

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C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man Responds

September 15, 2011

You know, I was well aware that I was making a risky artistic choice when I agreed to do Soul Man. More than anything else, the opportunity to work with James Earl Jones and explore issues of race is what swayed me. Call me naive. In preparation for the role, I read Soul on Ice, [...]

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Hemingway at the Proctologist’s Office

August 30, 2011

He signed the waiting list and took his seat in the antechamber, where there were four other men. The men all had magazines in their hands, magazines devoted to automobiles or sports and they were staring intently at these magazines, all of them knowing that each of them knew what they all were there for. [...]

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Susan Sontag Vs. Joyce Carol Oates

July 21, 2011

In this dream I have, Susan Sontag is probably in her late fifties, and Joyce Carol Oates is in her late twenties, early thirties. Weirdly, though, they’ve both written all the books they will ever write. And they hate each other in this way I can’t really explain. JCO calls Sontag a loudmouth [...]

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The Unexamined Arsonist

June 16, 2011

There were two events, either one of which or perhaps both could have started it. The sense that was understanding. The understanding crystalline at maybe five or perhaps six that everyone, everyone was psychic except me. My mother looked at me once after she’d scolded me for eating all the bitter baker’s chocolate, looked at [...]

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